Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP, I recognise that paralysis you are in. Looking back, I think I was depressed but didn't see it at the time.

I also worried about my dc in their father's care if we split. Turns out, he wasn't that bothered, didn't want the responsibility, and was too utterly selfish and focused on his own needs to fight for them. So he sees them every now and then but there is no commitment there. With selfish men like your DH, they just cba with parenting. That won't change if you split. They may make noises about court, access etc, but the DC are a millstone to them, to be enjoyed now and then (Disney dad style) but they don't want the day to day care.

A lot of what you said resonated with me, especially the single parenthood while still in a marriage. I figured I might just as well BE a single parent and happy, than stay with him.

The freedom of spirit that I enjoy now is amazing.

I also had to suffer to the shouting, disengagement, lack of sex, selfishness, me doing all the parenting, housework, admin, not supporting me, etc etc. It ground me down until I was a shell of a person. I see that in you now. You barely have any fight in you.

Honestly, it's not just a trope. If you are happy then your DC will be happy. Don't foist on them an adulthood of guilt, bad relationships and therapy because you stayed with their father 'for them'.

Kids adapt. A bit of disruption now for a happy childhood and well adjusted adulthood. Please leave him for them if not for you.

OP - I have read all your posts but not all the replies so I'm sure someone has already said this. But it bears repeating because you seem to be determined to persist in the fiction your children are happy. They're not. Children who are happy don't ask their mum if her new job means they would survive financially without their dad.

It cost your son a lot to ask you that because he's telling you that he's unhappy and he's pretty sure you're unhappy. He will have been thinking about it for some time. Now he knows you're not staying because you can't afford to leave and he will be wracking his brains trying to figure out what else it is that's making you stay. What a huge weight to bear for a child of his age.

You said you've tried therapy. I wonder if you've told your therapist everything you've told us here? I'm guessing not.

@Littlesthobo84

The rest of the money? I would take as little as possible from him.

Buck up OP

Getting your fair share doesn’t make you selfish, weak or whatever daft adjective you think would be the case