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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 19/03/2021 18:32

You're prepared not to have sex, but what about your dh? Are you letting him have discreet affairs? Is that why he insists on condoms? What happens if he leaves to be with someone else?

Butcanyoujusttellme · 19/03/2021 18:33

@Littlesthobo84

The children aren’t bothered about our sex life (or lack of) though. If they were seeing us shouting, or he were abusive it would be different, but for them they are seeing an amicable relationship.
I think you are being naive if you think amicable is what you’re honestly displaying, from everything you’ve said

Surely the hope is for children to grow up seeing happy parents, who are ideally being treated with love from those around them, whoever those people are though

It seems that you don’t need help to stay though op, you are going to.
In which case I hope you have some lovely friends around you, enjoy spending time with your children and please do think about some therapy, even if it’s just to find your own intrinsic happiness Flowers

ravenmum · 19/03/2021 18:33

Oh, sorry, NOT condoms. How peculiar. He'd rather have no sex than 75% good sex?

TedMullins · 19/03/2021 18:40

I could leave and be on my own and would that be any better than now

In my opinion yes. Ultimately yes it’s his body re the vasectomy but by ignoring the issue he isn’t respecting or caring about your needs. Have you told him you’d like to rebuild your sex life? Why won’t he use condoms? Why does he think contraception should be either left to chance or you on the pill? He doesn’t sound like he respects or understands, or even wants to understand, your position.

Maybe you won’t ever meet anyone else. But so what? A relationship isn’t a requirement. You’d be free of living under miserable conditions. You can have sex in other arrangements and scenarios that aren’t a traditional relationship. Yes, hurting him isn’t nice, but ultimately you don’t owe it to him to remain in a relationship to save his feelings. If you leave your kids will have the example of a strong, independent woman (sorry cliche phrase) who knows her worth, knows how to prioritise her own needs (too many women don’t do this) and made a loving home without living with dad. Presumably you’d co-parent amicably? Not all kids are affected by divorce, in fact I wish mine had and I’d have a much deeper respect for my mum if she’d have chosen to leave.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/03/2021 18:47

Don't stay op.
He won't wear condoms?! Fuck that. That's not showing you respect after what your body has been through.
Go on your family holiday and then look to leave.
If he works full time I doubt he'll want the kids 50/50!

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 18:49

I don’t think we’d co-parent amicably. I think DH would fight me on ever single issue and he’d be as difficult as possible. I’ve seen how he manages people at work who have annoyed or upset him.

He says he hates condoms, he always has hated condoms. He says there’s no point having sex with a condom because he can’t feel anything. I’ve suggested trying different ones but still no. He wanted to just go with timing and was quite pushy about it for a while but I said no. I said on the off chance I fell pregnant I really didn’t feel I’d be able to keep the baby and that wasn’t a situation I wanted to be in. He kept putting pressure on me around safe days, but I was too worried to risk it. I really can’t have a third baby, I was really ill after I had my second child and she was really ill as well. Two high risk pregnancies and two c sections are enough for me.

OP posts:
Kally9 · 19/03/2021 18:53

Controversial opinion - It doesn't sound like you're ready to leave, so I don't think you should. I think you are right that all children suffer divorce - I did, and it was very amicable between my parents. That's not to say you should NEVER leave. It sounds like at the moment you should invest heavily in yourself via therapy and maybe something you enjoy/a hobby/ a course and re-visit the idea in a year or so. You deserve more, but you can only get there on your own terms, at your own pace, in your own way! And you are young! Lots of time.

Anothernick · 19/03/2021 18:55

@ravenmum

Oh, sorry, NOT condoms. How peculiar. He'd rather have no sex than 75% good sex?
Yes, it is very odd for a guy in his 40s to give up on sex. I also rebuffed my DWs request to have a vasectomy but I knew this meant condoms had to be used - celibacy would be totally unfair on her and it wouldnt be acceptable to me either.

Your DW sounds cold and uncaring, if he is not much involved with the DC I wonder if they would be seriously impacted if you split. As others have said, you have many years ahead of you and staying as you are will not make them happy years.

TedMullins · 19/03/2021 18:55

So he’s trying to coerce you into sex. That isn’t the behaviour of a loving husband. Fine he hates the feel of condoms but that leaves it to him to get the snip or accept there’ll be no sex.

Frankly though if he’s as blackmaily and vindictive as you describe I don’t know why you’d want to shag him anyway. He sounds a thoroughly unpleasant individual and I truly think you’d have a happier, freer life on your own

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 19/03/2021 19:02

He’s sounding less and less like someone you’d want to spend your life with. Listen to what you said “has a temper and shouts at the kids” “nasty, vindictive”.

ravenmum · 19/03/2021 19:10

Are you hoping that he'll have an affair and leave of his own accord, as it might make him easier to manage?

Motnight · 19/03/2021 19:14

@Littlesthobo84

I think all children - unless there’s abuse maybe - want their parents together. My dd is so excited about going on holiday in the summer. She draws pictures of her 2.4 children family. They are settled. They are happy. They could end up with a stepmother or step siblings they don’t like. They are very bonded to me and could end up being away from me 50% of the time. Dd is only 5, she’s still little. DH has a temper and shouts more than me and they don’t like it.
So now we are getting to it. Your children are not happy with the way things are. Stay, leave, it's up to you. But don't kid yourself that you are staying for the sake of the children.
RiverSkater · 19/03/2021 19:14

I'm in a similar position. I didn't have them lining up before so chances of meeting somebody else are slim to nothing.
Daughter suffering anxiety. I feel selfish.

But- and it's a big but - I think I have to be brave and not be 60 lonely regretting not being brave. Smile

OP - be braveSmile

SixesAndEights · 19/03/2021 19:19

What a miserable existence. If you think your children aren't picking up on this on some level you're kidding yourself. And everything isn't fine is it because your husband shouts and your children are affected by that.

You're setting them up for the same because you're teaching them that this is life.

SixesAndEights · 19/03/2021 19:20

So now we are getting to it. Your children are not happy with the way things are. Stay, leave, it's up to you. But don't kid yourself that you are staying for the sake of the children.

This.

Zancah · 19/03/2021 19:23

@Littlesthobo84

If we were to split DH would be very angry and upset and would go on the attack. He describes himself as ‘vindictive’ if anyone hurts him. It wouldn’t be amicable in the least.

Sounds to me like, while he's not overtly abusive - he does still have very abusive traits. You have implied up thread that he is controlling and now this update confirms other abuse. Emotional abuse is as serious - if not more so - than physical. A bruise will heal, it's the mental scars that don't.
Head on over to the Stately Homes topic to see what all the kids of abusive parents say about it. It might open your eyes to the possibility that your husband, and your complicity, are affecting your children.

Quartz2208 · 19/03/2021 19:24

Your children are growing up in a household where you feel completely unheard and unfulfilled.

Sex just seems like part of it - I assume he works and keeps his money - who does he spend that on because from the bits you have said you feel you have no right to it.

He is angry and vindictive and would shout at them -- does your daughter see that.

What is worst actually is children staying and living in toxic environment - this is one

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 19:25

I don’t think he’s abusive. Yes he loses his temper more easily than I do, but no one is perfect.
I’m just a bit depressed I suppose, and lonely.
I don’t want to leave or stay and I’m not sure what I do with that.

OP posts:
Zancah · 19/03/2021 19:28

Jesus Christ. Would you just LISTEN TO YOURSELF! 🤦🏽‍♀️

TedMullins · 19/03/2021 19:29

@Littlesthobo84

I don’t think he’s abusive. Yes he loses his temper more easily than I do, but no one is perfect. I’m just a bit depressed I suppose, and lonely. I don’t want to leave or stay and I’m not sure what I do with that.
Trust me, if he loses his temper and the kids notice enough to comment on it, they won’t resent you for leaving. They may be upset and take time to adjust, yes, but seriously, trust me, I’m an adult now and I think my life and my parents’ lives (well, my mum’s at least) would have been exponentially better if she left my dad when I was young.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2021 19:29

What is your definition of abuse if not your husband’s behaviours within your home?. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

EasterGuineaPig · 19/03/2021 19:47

What’s he like with your children? I can understand your concern about what’s best for them. I would be concerned about losing potentially 50% of time to the father if you felt the atmosphere and environment he would be parenting them in would be much worse than what you have now.

TurquoiseDragon · 19/03/2021 19:51

@Littlesthobo84

I don’t think he’s abusive. Yes he loses his temper more easily than I do, but no one is perfect. I’m just a bit depressed I suppose, and lonely. I don’t want to leave or stay and I’m not sure what I do with that.
I would bet that your depression would lift if you weren't with your DH.

And you need to realise that your DC aren't as happy as you think they are. It's also known that children appear to adore the adults they are dependant on, it's a survival mechanism.

So you don't need to pretend they are happy with a shouty man who has admitted he can be vindictive.

And children know more than you think they ever know. They will pick on any atmosphere, they won't just see an "amiable relationship".

I don't believe it's ever a good idea to stay "for the children". They end up learning the wrong things about relationships, leaving them open to unhealthy relationships in the future.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 19/03/2021 20:05

You are scared to leave op. It would be hard and it would get worse before it got better.

But, you should be scared to stay.

I'm a product of an unhappy home. My mum stayed for us kids. I have issues and to be honest a poor relationship with her now as I resent her for not being the adult and leaving.

You need to do this for your kids. They won't thank you.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/03/2021 20:08

He's a bully. It's simple. He has threatened to make life hell for you if you leave and tried very hard to coerce you into sex that you don't consent to.

This is abusive behaviour OP.