I can’t get into lots of detail for safety but I am preparing for a confrontation with DH and I’m terrified. We have 2 school age DD.
He’s emotionally abusing me and it’s only in the last few months, with some counselling sessions I took alone, input of two trusted friends who don’t even know each other but have said the same that I’m wondering if he’s gaslighting. I had to look it up.
The primary issue is money. We have been married 20 years, own a home together a couple of flats which gives him a small income. I’ve worked full time most our marriage in a good job and been the ‘breadwinner’.
He’s addicted to collectibles and has periodically hidden spend from me arguing that we’re not in debt so why do I care?
I’ve spent several months feeling more and more sure he’s lying and has found himself a way to get extra income which he hides from me and leaves me to pay 70%-100% of our bills.
I literally only set up my own savings account last month having only ever had a joint account with him and paid in 100% of my salary for all these years. I know. Stupid. He was raging angry.
He tells me my job isn’t as important as I think it is, that I “need to fail” to stop everyone thinking I can do it all... various things like that.
The collecting has escalated in the past 9 months and I have gone into the various web accounts and noted all his spend for the past year (we share accounts, I’m not outwith my rights to check). I obviously can’t check his bank accounts.
I was having palpitations as I tried to gather all the information over several days without being caught. He’s rarely not at home so this is more difficult than it sounds.
I have also photographed as much of his collection as I can find but he keeps things hidden in drawers, safes, in envelopes and boxes so it is impossible for me to photo everything without him noticing.
He has a loud angry temper (but has never lashed out) and we have argued more in the last year than in 20 years. We both put it down to lockdown and our last argument on 8th March he said we have to just “agree to disagree” until the kids are back to school and we can talk without them hearing us fighting because I was so distressed at what our fighting was doing to the kids.
I’m not a fighter. I’m articulate but passive and people-pleasing and can be quiet/moody when I’m tried or stressed with work but the realisation dawning that he has taken absolute advantage of me is making me ill.
I just want him to pay 50/50 and he refuses saying he can’t afford it whilst another £1000 of collectibles arrive. He comes up with elaborate reasons why he needs to keep his money private (i gave up after 10 years asking him to join his account so we had equal transparency).
When I try and reason with him he flat out lies saying his income was temporarily higher and from April will be back to basic income (the amount I thought he was on all the time).
I am 99% sure he’s cash-funding this addiction as he hates debt (though when we met he had lots of debt.. my first sign I missed..). But of course I can’t be totally sure what he’s doing or how.
Today I analysed our joint account for the past 12 months and discovered Ive paid in 3 times what he has - he has taken OUT a 3rd of my salary paid in.
I’m trying to be subtle but he knows I’m getting all the facts together as he has started deleting all receipts and invoices as soon as they come into our email - and he’s emptying the email bin several times a day too.
The bottom line is he’s lying and has been for a long time. I think he’s also possibly got a spending addiction. According to Google this is ‘financial infidelity’ which I hadn’t heard of before but it’s exactly right.
I feel belittled, disrespected, betrayed, scared and devastated for our children who are amazing in every way and deserve so much better but I just can’t go on with it anymore. I love him but can’t respect him anymore for this. He seems to care about me - I know he adores the kids and can be lazy but is generally a good Dad.
But I have to confront him. Pay day in next week and he will freak out if I don’t pay in 70%
I have to find a way to make him stop spending our money and then lying, stonewalling, yelling... basically leaving me feel I’m somehow in the wrong.
I need help to know how to handle this.
Tomorrow is the first day both kids will be at school and literally the first time we’ve been alone in months. I have waited and bit my tongue but it needs to come out.
I’m keeping up appearances but I need help.
How do I prepare for the conversation?
The argument has always been me asking can he contribute more money - to which he says he contributes more non-financially than me (because he is only out at work a half day a week, I work at home but full time in a demanding job).
I pull my weight and keep the house clean and today and I’m the lead parent in terms of nurturing and spending quality time with the kids.
But today, I found envelopes with large amounts of cash hidden away. Not like savings here and there but pristine notes from a machine. My immediate thought was he has this ready to grab and go if he’s had enough or if I ever told him to leave. He’s never mentioned leaving other than once, four years ago but didn’t go through with it.
But I don’t know.
That’s the whole point - I don’t know what he’s doing but I do know he’s got a lot more money than he makes out and swears til he’s blue in the face that he can’t contribute more than 30% to our bills. I don’t know if I can be married to a prolific liar. It’s crushing my confidence. It’s crushing me.
What do I do to prepare to confront him?
He can be incredibly domineering and won’t talk if he doesn’t want to.
I’m an absolute wreck with anxiety and need some kind of breakthrough.
Has anyone ever faced financial infidelity? How did you deal with it? Is separating inevitable? Do I need to engage a solicitor? The police?
I hope someone can help me 