Not talking after an argument

[Lolly36]

What would you say is the normal amount of time for someone to not talk to you after a minor argument?

I had a disagreement with DP on Wednesday and I've pretty much had silence since then, bar a couple of replies to some of my texts. We don't live together.

@Lolly36

What would you say is the normal amount of time for someone to not talk to you after a minor argument?

I had a disagreement with DP on Wednesday and I've pretty much had silence since then, bar a couple of replies to some of my texts. We don't live together.

Who do you think sets the rules? There is no normal. Some people do it for ages and their partner is ok with that, some people do it for 2 minutes and it drives their partner demented.

If you're looking for normal, you're looking for 'should I be upset about this?' There is no 'should'.

Are you upset about it?

A reaction like this from him should be a red flag to you. Its disproportionate at the very least and he is using silent treatment now
(which is itself an example of emotional abuse) to further punish you for any and all alleged transgressions. This is who he is and you need to take heed.

I would actually end the relationship; there are men out there who do not act like this after a minor argument or disagreement. Thankfully you do not live together so splitting up, although still somewhat painful, will be a lot easier. Do not tolerate this.

I had a disagreement with my partner a couple of weeks ago, it took him 5 days to process the problem and come up with a solution. When we did speak he said he needed time to reflect and realise what the problem was and how it had impacted me. He then apologised and explained that he didn't do it to intentionally hurt me but it realised the impact it had. He said he needed this time out to seriously consider what had happened. I was fine with that. It was all sorted and we have come through our first problem unscathed.

We've been together 2 years and we didn't have any kind of arguments the first year. I've always known that he's not one to discuss any issues, he just brushes them under the carpet. I don't see the point in dragging anything on but to just get silence for days is actually quite upsetting!

A reaction like this from him should be a red flag to you

A red flag is an emotional response, rather than the action that caused it. A red flag is your own internal signal that somebody has done something that crosses your boundaries.

@Lolly36

We've been together 2 years and we didn't have any kind of arguments the first year. I've always known that he's not one to discuss any issues, he just brushes them under the carpet. I don't see the point in dragging anything on but to just get silence for days is actually quite upsetting!

OK, so you're upset. You need to validate that within yourself. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel, whenever you feel it. It is your responsibility within the relationship to communicate what you feel to your partner, and then, once he's understood, it is his responsibility to be respectful towards your feelings - if he doesn't respect your feelings, he's a no-no.

Which bit of the process have you got up to, and why can't you get any further?

A couple of hours is reasonable as it gives each party time to process emotions. This could be overnight if you don't live together.

Any more than this is silent treatment and toxic or he has decided the relationship has ended and hasn't the courage to tell you yet.

I wish I knew this 20 years ago when starting relationship with Ex. People who sulk or punish (by silent treatment) following a disagreement are not able to have healthy relationships. If they are teens, early 20s they may be capable of change...if older they are unlikely to change.

Conflict resolution skills are essential. Both parties need to have empathy to see the other persons pov, be capable of compromise and willing to be accountable. Silent treatment suggests they have none of these.

My rule in relationships..If an argument was so significant that caused such negative emotions, in him, then the relationship should be over. If it wasn't a big deal then he is using silent treatment to punish you or to get his way.

If they are teens, early 20s they may be capable of change...if older they are unlikely to change

Not true. Willingness to change is the deciding factor, not age.

The first time he did this we'd been together about a year. I was devastated as I thought he was breaking up with me but then after a few days of total silence he started talking to me like nothing had ever happened. I was thoroughly confused as we'd only had a minor disagreement.

It's happened a few times since then and I just can't get my head round it. It's not been complete silence this time but it's still difficult.

I did see a side I didn't like though yesterday. I popped over to his as I'd left something there that I needed. I didn't ring in advance as I didn't think he wouldn't answer. He let me in, but barely talked to me, refused to make eye contact, huffed and puffed and just sat on his phone while I retrieved said item. I left really shocked, it was like toddler behaviour!

@litterbird, do you live together? 5 days not speaking feels ott.

2 years is typically the timeframe when the honeymoon phase is over and the real self appears.

It is natural to feel upset..a partner withdrawing isn't positive. He should be explaining that he needs time out but really 5 days to process emotions?? If he discovered you lied about something fundamental and he is evaluating the relationship then the timeframe makes sense.

You can't have a commited secure relationship if silent treatment is his response to an argument.What was the argument about?

If an argument was so significant that caused such negative emotions, in him, then the relationship should be over

Where is the empathy you mentioned in your own approach?

Not true. Willingness to change is the deciding factor, not age

Agreed but willingness also needs ability to change plus sufficient motivation such as loss of relationship...it's why I said "unlikely". It is extremely challenging to change responses that are ingrained. Try using your left hand instead of right. The brain is wired for emotional responses which have formed through personality, nurturing and life experience.

Each time this has happened I've explained how it makes me feel and he's basically said that's the way he deals with things and he's not going to change

@Fireflygal...no we dont live together. He is fully aware of his problem about processing emotions, when we spoke I also told him that 5 days to get to the point of sorting the problem out was too long and he accepted that. The minor conflict was over and ex girlfriend of 20 years ago rearing her head again. He is a head burier and finds conflict difficult but I wasn't going to let him get away with not dealing with a small situation that needed rectifying. I also told him that we have to work together to deal with problems as they arise and not to leave it so long too. As for the poor OP, going over to his house and she gets the childish pouting behaviour then that changes things. That is what I would not accept either.

@Eckhart, if the argument was caused by a betrayal or some other deal breaker then his response might be more appropriate as he would be evaluating the relationship.

Couples should be able to resolve arguments in a constructive way but some arguments are due to deal breakers and then it's best to end the relationship.

@Fireflygal No betrayal, no lying, it was just a minor argument.

You can't live with someone like that - your life would be really miserable. He's punishing you and is unable to communicate - awful traits in a partner.

Personally I'd be tempted to just not get in touch now and when he finally thinks you've been punished enough and wants to go back to how things were, I'd tell him to get lost.

@litterbird, hope he does work on it. I have sons and I'm trying to develop their emotional responses so that they can deal with conflict in a healthy way. It seems way too common to use withdrawal, silent treatment or anger.

If I had a dp that I didn't live with and who wasn't talking to me after an argument I'd assume we were no longer together.
Iv got no time for that kind of BS, huge red flag

@Lolly36 - it sounds like he’s trying to bully you into agreeing with his point of view.

It’s not really good enough just to say this is how he deals with things. It sounds very immature. He wants you to beg and plead and admit you were wrong. You’ve told him it upsets you and he’s told you he’s not going to change so you need to decide whether or not this is something you want to live with.

We’re sometimes too quick to shout in this house and we did actually get some family therapy for it which was very helpful. But we don’t sulk. Someone may need space for an hour or two but not days. Just freezing someone out for days - the whole “I’m just going to act as if I don’t see you and don’t hear you” - is actually very destructive and invalidating. I don’t think I could live with that.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but are you still reaching out to him? If so, then I suggest just stop. Start getting very busy and interested in other things. He’s probably counting on you being around when he’s finished sulking. It might help if he starts to realise you may not be.

@Lolly36, it is horrible for you as you are just waiting for him to decide when your punishment is over. Can you distract yourself. Looking back on my experience I think I would now refuse to accept silent treatment (although he will probably claim he is talking to you).

I would now ask for a conversation to resolve the issue and if he didn't respond I would have to recognise he wasn't going to right for me. As painful as that it now it avoids years of pain.

What is his relationship history?

@Fireflygal, thank you for teaching your sons this, its the only way forward for them and success in relationships. My DP is 64 and was bought up in a family that buried emotion. I am trying to teach an old dog new tricks and I know its hard for him but he needs to try and work on his fear of conflict. He is trying and thats all I can ask for right now.

[quote Fireflygal]@Eckhart, if the argument was caused by a betrayal or some other deal breaker then his response might be more appropriate as he would be evaluating the relationship.

Couples should be able to resolve arguments in a constructive way but some arguments are due to deal breakers and then it's best to end the relationship.[/quote]
Yes, they should. And there are many constructive ways. OP and her partner may be able to find a constructive way that meets both their needs, if they are both up for talking, once things have calmed down.

The brain is wired for emotional responses which have formed through personality, nurturing and life experience

Yes, and it can be rewired, if the person is willing to take up the challenge. That's why I'm asking OP whereabouts they've got to along the 'solving the problem healthily' path.

If he has an unhealthy mechanism for dealing with conflict, but OP hasn't mentioned how much it upsets her, then there may well be ways forward, rather than just ending things at this stage.

@Lolly36

Each time this has happened I've explained how it makes me feel and he's basically said that's the way he deals with things and he's not going to change

Leave him. He's comfortable to let you be upset for extended periods. That's not somebody with your best interests at heart. That's somebody who only cares about themselves.

This would be a deal breaker for me OP. I can't stand people who sulk!

DH and I went on marriage course a few years ago, and one session was devoted to how people manage conflict situations differently. Maybe you could try couples counselling or similar?

In response to his "this is how I deal with things" comment, have you tried saying "well it's NOT how I deal with things so we'll need to find a compromise".