Not talking after an argument

[Lolly36]

What would you say is the normal amount of time for someone to not talk to you after a minor argument?

I had a disagreement with DP on Wednesday and I've pretty much had silence since then, bar a couple of replies to some of my texts. We don't live together.

Imagine living with him.

He’s using silence to condition you into “behaving”. I’d dump him.....relationships aren’t meant to be drama and angst.

@JustLyra No the argument was last Wednesday and I popped by unannounced on Saturday as I really needed the item I'd left at his house and I didn't think he'd answer the phone if I rang before hand.

A few people have said 'imagine living with him'.

How does someone use silent treatment being in the same house? Surely it wouldn't be possible to completely ignore someone if you are sharing a bed / dinner?

That could be a completely ignorant comment by me (not intentionally) as I've never had experience of this before.

@igglu If you don't mind me asking, what other kind of red flags did you notice in hindsight?

He would just blank you in the home!

If your hurt and confused now then imagine what it would be like living together. Walking on eggshells, grovelling to make him talk to you even if you are the one in the right.

He didn't do it in the first year because he knows that in new relationships or any relationship be it friendship etc, shit like that wouldn't be tolerated. Now boundaries have been tested he knows you'll not pull him up but instead grovel to feed his ego.

He can change, he chooses not too because he will see that as yous being equal. I'll place bets this is why his previous relationships ended.

Run for the hills.

@Lolly36

A few people have said 'imagine living with him'.

How does someone use silent treatment being in the same house? Surely it wouldn't be possible to completely ignore someone if you are sharing a bed / dinner?

That could be a completely ignorant comment by me (not intentionally) as I've never had experience of this before.

They absolutely can. They can leave the room when you walk into it. They can sit opposite you at the dinner table and issue only one word answers. They can turn their back to you and switch off their bedside light when you both get into bed. They can simply pretend you're not there, and even 'can you hear me?!' will illicit the response 'Of course I can, you bloody idiot, I'm not deaf.'

Don't risk it.

After each time he's done this, does it make you hesitate to bring up any issues with him?

What are some other things he's done that has hurt your feelings?

There is a long running series of threads on here about someone trying to leave her sulking husband.. He also used the silent treatment. It has been a nightmare for her, might be useful to take a look.

They walk out of the room when you walk in. They ignore the dinner you’ve made, wait until you’re out of the kitchen and make their own different food. They sit in a different room. They sleep in a different room.

Here's a link to the fourth thread in her ongoing saga:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H

[quote Eckhart]@Redruby2020

But it's also meant as in a warning about the way someone is

That's the definition of what 'red flag' means. What I'm saying is that everybody has different ones. We all have a lot in common (ie we all have a red flag response when somebody hits us) but we all have our own set, unique to us. In recognising this, we recognise that we are individuals, rather than accepting pressure to conform emotionally to some norm.

For example, if you meet a new person, and they text you 10 times a day, you might love it. Another person may have a red flag response, that tells them that 10 texts is too many for them, and that the person is too clingy, needs too much reassurance, etc. Nobody is doing anything wrong in this scenario. But a personal boundary is crossed. The same thing happens if somebody swears at you or is verbally abusive. A higher percentage of people will have a red flag response, here.

The trick is to recognise your own red flag responses, and learn how to respond accordingly. The common question is 'Is it ok for me to have this red flag response, or am I just being silly/over reacting/too sensitive/childish/weak?'

Some of us get red flag responses to spiders, and some don't. Those responses are respected by those who love us, but those who do not love and respect us will put joke spiders in our cornflakes and so on. There is no sense at all to a red flag/spider response, but it doesn't matter. It is who we are, and who we are will be respected by those who love us; it's one way to prove love for somebody, in fact.[/quote]
Huh? The main point is, the main subject being posted about is about someone sulking/ignoring the other person and that when you add it together it is in the list of being considered as emotional abuse. I think you could say yes people are willing to tolerate different things but generally not out of choice, and the list of things identifying abuse are still the same.

@Lolly36

A few people have said 'imagine living with him'.

How does someone use silent treatment being in the same house? Surely it wouldn't be possible to completely ignore someone if you are sharing a bed / dinner?

That could be a completely ignorant comment by me (not intentionally) as I've never had experience of this before.

You're kidding right lol, I've already posted to you, but I came back on to read a reply with me mentioned in it and couldn't go by without replying to what else you have said. They can absolutely do it! What do you think you would be able to do if you live together, you can't physically force the person to speak to you etc. They can go out not return until very late, this is what my exP did. Ignore you in the house, we were in shared accommodation and he still managed to do it.

My ex dh would sulk and ignore me for weeks and we lived in a small flat. He had it down to a tee.

He'd give me one word answers if I asked him a question. I'd offer to make him a cuppa and he'd say 'no', then 5 mins later would make himself one. He'd make his own tea and drinks without asking me, but would always say no when I offered. He'd sit in the chair and watch telly and not utter a word to me. He'd walk out of a room if I entered. He'd go to bed, switch off the light and turn away from me. The really hurtful thing was if anyone rang or came round he'd be all chatty and sweetness and light to the and me, then as soon as they'd gone the shutters came down and 'boom' back to being ignored again. Tbh looking back it was such a toxic and abusive environment to live in.

@harknesswitch

My ex dh would sulk and ignore me for weeks and we lived in a small flat. He had it down to a tee.

He'd give me one word answers if I asked him a question. I'd offer to make him a cuppa and he'd say 'no', then 5 mins later would make himself one. He'd make his own tea and drinks without asking me, but would always say no when I offered. He'd sit in the chair and watch telly and not utter a word to me. He'd walk out of a room if I entered. He'd go to bed, switch off the light and turn away from me. The really hurtful thing was if anyone rang or came round he'd be all chatty and sweetness and light to the and me, then as soon as they'd gone the shutters came down and 'boom' back to being ignored again. Tbh looking back it was such a toxic and abusive environment to live in.

My goodness @harknesswitch ! I bet your mental health is a lot better now you are out of that toxic environment! I can't imagine how hard that must have been. 🌹

Yes @Redruby2020, and if someone recognises their own red flag responses, they will spot abuse, and respect their own preferences.

The main point that was posted was regarding how other people would respond to the partners behaviour. Call the behaviour abuse, call it Fred, call it 'I don't care what you call it', OP's issue isn't spotting that she's uncomfortable, it's in respecting that feeling within herself. She needs external validation from strangers. If she learns to respect her 'red flag' feeling, it will help her, not only with this behaviour from her partner, but with all other behaviours from all other people.

You are looking at the small picture; the definition of what the partner is doing. I am looking at the big picture; the tools OP needs to equip herself with, to avoid having her boundaries pushed by this partner, and all future comers.

@Eckhart

Yes *@Redruby2020*, and if someone recognises their own red flag responses, they will spot abuse, and respect their own preferences.

The main point that was posted was regarding how other people would respond to the partners behaviour. Call the behaviour abuse, call it Fred, call it 'I don't care what you call it', OP's issue isn't spotting that she's uncomfortable, it's in respecting that feeling within herself. She needs external validation from strangers. If she learns to respect her 'red flag' feeling, it will help her, not only with this behaviour from her partner, but with all other behaviours from all other people.

You are looking at the small picture; the definition of what the partner is doing. I am looking at the big picture; the tools OP needs to equip herself with, to avoid having her boundaries pushed by this partner, and all future comers.

Yes I agree on the boundaries etc, but I also have my own opinion on it too, I'm sure what we have all added will help OP.

Here we are on day 7.

I can't believe he has dragged this on for so long. It's getting easier resisting the urge to text him, but I'm feeling pretty hurt at the moment. My DC is starting to ask where he is too. What a shitbag!

Stay silent. If you give in and chase him this will become your life

Put a post it on your phone saying don’t do it

@Lolly36

We've been together 2 years and we didn't have any kind of arguments the first year. I've always known that he's not one to discuss any issues, he just brushes them under the carpet. I don't see the point in dragging anything on but to just get silence for days is actually quite upsetting!

OP, having no arguments in the first year is a red flag! That's not normal behaviour. He's training you not to bring anything up with the silent treatment, it's considered emotionally abusive behaviour. How on earth can you work out problems in the relationship if he wont' discuss anything? He's passive aggressive as well which is hideous to deal with. He's learned not to express himself directly and obviously has a lot of resentment he doesn't express.

I would genuinely not contact him and if/when he contacts you, tell him it's over. This behaviour is totally unacceptable and its also not fair on your child if they are asking where he is. You can do a lot better OP. I can understand why his previous partners left him - what a knob.

Jesus what a dickhead.

My DH often needs a day or so to process but he's always been open about it - he will tell me he needs a bit of space to calm down/have a think and then we discuss it like adults the next day.

I can't add much in the way of advice but with things like passwords, I personally would change my passwords on everything and turn on two-factor authentication where possible. Two factor authentication means you receive a text or email if someone tries to log into your account from another device.

What a shitbag indeed. A week of the silent treatment over a minor disagreement! This is not normal or acceptable behaviour OP.