Not talking after an argument

[Lolly36]

What would you say is the normal amount of time for someone to not talk to you after a minor argument?

I had a disagreement with DP on Wednesday and I've pretty much had silence since then, bar a couple of replies to some of my texts. We don't live together.

Op, it is so hard to relate to stone wallers if you have healthier emotional responses but ultimately it is about control, through punishments.

Ex H didn't stonewall until after we married. Then he would literally go completely silent, stare into the distance as if I wasn't in the room. He only did this if HE didn't want to discuss an issue that might need him to hear me or compromise. It is highly effective. If something can't be discussed theb by default he gets his own way. If I raised my voice or got annoyed then he would label me as abusive towards him. If I didn't raise any issues or just went along with him then he spoke to me. Like others say, during this silent treatment he would chat so happily to the children whilst I sat looking unhappy. It was lose/lose for me.

You are being trained, as you would a puppy as he is trying to let you know he is Top Dog. Disagree with him and he will refuse to communicate. I imagine previous partner may have apologised or just walked away.

If it's day 7 the relationship is over

I'll put money on the fact he'll come back at some point, like nothing ever happened. He'll start texting and chatting like it never happened, you'll be left feeling confused. If you say anything to him about it, he will be the one acting all confused and then you'll be left feeling it was all your fault.

This is the time op that you need to decide if you're happy to put up with this. IMO 7 days is too long and the end of the relationship. Sometimes we all need a bit if time to ourselves, but we always remain civil and don't use it as a punishment

Honestly the relationship is over, realise this for yourself, tell the DC and good friends but don't bother telling him.

Do you have anything else you need to collect from his, could you get someone else to pick all your stuff up?

@RandomMess I don't have any belongings at his, he has a fair amount of his stuff at mine.

Bag it all up and dump it outside his door OP.

Bag it, chuck it outside, don't talk to him about anything - his turn for a taste of the silent treatment.

Have you posted about him before? It sounds very familiar. Do either of you have children?

Honestly, stonewalling is one of the most insidious types of emotional abuse out there. He acknowledges he does it and isn't willing to change, there's nowhere to go from there really. You deserve better.

@Eckhart

Yes *@Redruby2020*, and if someone recognises their own red flag responses, they will spot abuse, and respect their own preferences.

The main point that was posted was regarding how other people would respond to the partners behaviour. Call the behaviour abuse, call it Fred, call it 'I don't care what you call it', OP's issue isn't spotting that she's uncomfortable, it's in respecting that feeling within herself. She needs external validation from strangers. If she learns to respect her 'red flag' feeling, it will help her, not only with this behaviour from her partner, but with all other behaviours from all other people.

You are looking at the small picture; the definition of what the partner is doing. I am looking at the big picture; the tools OP needs to equip herself with, to avoid having her boundaries pushed by this partner, and all future comers.

Many people grow up unable to spot red flags because their own childhood was far from normal. There is no 'feeling within' for many people because it has been negated and buried and cannot be felt anymore.

Therefore they need to learn from the outside as it were, what is a red flag and abusive and unhealthy. It cannot be recognised if a person has no experience of what is healthy and normal because of an abnormal childhood, or even in some extreme cases just because one has spent so many years in an abusive relationship that normal has been completely forgotten and because Self has been completely subsumed.

It is very, very typical in abused women that they actually end up somehow defending their abusive partners from uncomfortable feelings rather than themselves, for example.

This is why people need validation from the outside. It is also why and how courses such as the Freedom Programme are designed and exist, and it is also why forums such as this board are so important. Abused people need to reframe themselves with an external set of boundaries before they can start to trust their feelings and find their own.

Many people grow up unable to spot red flags because their own childhood was far from normal. There is no 'feeling within' for many people because it has been negated and buried and cannot be felt anymore

Everybody knows when someone hurts them. If it didn't hurt, it wouldn't be abusive. It's the response to the hurt that gets negated, not the hurt itself. Otherwise, lots of people would happily smile through abuse. But nobody does. People who are being routinely abused are miserable. They just think they're meant to be ok with that.

Abused people need to reframe themselves with an external set of boundaries before they can start to trust their feelings and find their own

Abused people need to reframe themselves with an internal set of boundaries, by trusting their feelings. You don't learn what your boundaries are by having someone tell you what the rules are. If there was a reliable set of external rules as to what was meant to hurt and what wasn't, we'd have to be robots to emotionally survive.

I hope you're going to/have already dumped him. It's abusive behaviour mdesigned to get you back in line and make you walk on eggshells at other times.

Your recent post mentioned DC. It really would not be fair to allow this relationship to progress given that you have children. It's a horrible and damaging thing to grow up with. Horrible for you too, but you at least have the option of walking away.

[quote Lolly36]@igglu If you don't mind me asking, what other kind of red flags did you notice in hindsight? [/quote]
Sorry I've just come back to the thread. He was very sneery about other people and disparaging of their opinions. He was also greedy and thought nothing of taking chocolate or other treats that weren't his.

Also, he was always right and had this vision of how fantastic he was and how his life should be, other people were always at fault if things weren't the way he thought he had a right for them to be. Basically he was an entitled dickhead

Did you start the arguement? Whether you did or didn't doesn't matter but is he using the arguement just to get out of the relationship? Perhaps he has no intention of contacting you, it's an easy way out.

@Lolly36 be aware that it might be a "minor" argument for you but feel bigger for him. It also really depends on what you were arguing about. Sometimes so called small arguments can tell you a lot about a person and cause you internally to rethink how you saw them or the relationship itself.

Also some people are argumentative people by nature, even over minor things (not necessarily saying you are as I don't know you) and would see a lot of arguments as "minor" because they get some sort of kick out of them, but for someone else who disagrees in a healthier and less combative way, it would make them withdraw from the argumentative person for the sake of their wellbeing.

Not read the whole thread so if there's been a significant drip feed since then e.g. he's actually a longstanding abuser beating you black and blue but you chose to omit that from your OP, then feel free to disregard the above

@rulerbirds

My advice (as my husband does this) is to stop the relationship now. Go no contact. No messaging and no reaching out. You are having to act the apologetic one who did wrong to get the relationship back on track. None of this is right. If my husband had pulled the silent treatment on me before we got married I would not have married him. The only reason I put up with it is because we have a life and kids. It’s absolutely distressing though. It means I live a life where I can’t ever take offence or argue against anything he does or says. He gets to do what he wants with no comment from me. He cannot be told he’s wrong. He is incredibly over sensitive to any look or words from me. He has to be praised constantly. He keeps himself distant and makes very little effort to spend any time with me. If I didn’t have kids I’d be gone. If you stay with this man, my life will be your life. It’s lonely, shit and miserable. This is your chance to get out. You’ve been given a window to your future. Don’t ignore it

@Lolly36 for goodness sake listen to this poster. If you don't heed warnings now before marriage/bringing innocent kids into this toxic atmosphere, you have only yourself to blame. The whole point of dating is to find out about a person before any commitment. This is what he's showing you.

Depending on argument and bearing in mind you dont live together i would say by the next day at latest.

To me this would be a red flag. My exh would go up to two weeks without talking to me. Talk to the kids or talk to the middle of the room but not to me

@rulerbirds is right.
You have been given fair warning.

Isolation is a form of torture, an extremely effective one at that.
Do not think this will be the worst of it, it will not be.

When isolation becomes less effective or his boundaries need to be greater that he crosses, other abuses will be meted out.

The silent treatment or stonewalling may progress as you stand firm to uphold your boundaries, shouting, rage and violence may follow, this future is real.

So many men who will not communicate and who view you as less of an equal go on to further abuse.

You now have a choice do you wish to live in a dictatorship or a democracy?

Once my DH and I did not communicate properly for three months after the argument. It is needles to say that I could not even remember what the argument was about. This was the longest for sure, but not talking is the standard way of "dealing" with things with us. It is really bad.

be aware that it might be a "minor" argument for you but feel bigger for him. It also really depends on what you were arguing about

No, it doesn't. Whether the argument is big or small, important or trivial, the silent treatment is never healthy.

Thank you all for posting. When I feel the urge to text him I just come back and read this thread.

Day 10 today and am still in the same situation. This is the longest he's ever gone. Not sure what my next step is to be honest, I'm feeling pretty confused about it all.

@rulerbirds

My advice (as my husband does this) is to stop the relationship now. Go no contact. No messaging and no reaching out. You are having to act the apologetic one who did wrong to get the relationship back on track. None of this is right. If my husband had pulled the silent treatment on me before we got married I would not have married him. The only reason I put up with it is because we have a life and kids. It’s absolutely distressing though. It means I live a life where I can’t ever take offence or argue against anything he does or says. He gets to do what he wants with no comment from me. He cannot be told he’s wrong. He is incredibly over sensitive to any look or words from me. He has to be praised constantly. He keeps himself distant and makes very little effort to spend any time with me. If I didn’t have kids I’d be gone. If you stay with this man, my life will be your life. It’s lonely, shit and miserable. This is your chance to get out. You’ve been given a window to your future. Don’t ignore it

Exactly this^

My ex did the same, an argument was NEVER his fault so it was up to me to "get over it". He would go straight back to normal, secure in the fact that I was wrong. He would leave me upset and then accuse me of sulking, when in fact I was distressed at being blamed and not heard yet again.

Eventually, when I was detaching and mentally getting prepared to leave, I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't fix it yet again. That time lasted 33 days - at one point I asked if we could could talk, and was told that we didn't get to talk when it suited me and he would let me know.

Took me a while to get out but I did, and am now living my best life.

Well @Lolly36 it's over isn't it?

It may difficult for you to have no "closure" but this is who he is, not a mature adult wishing to discuss what happened but someone intent on punishing you.

Perhaps bag up his stuff and drop it on his doorstep?

Keep it up Lolly36 it is about Yr future now. What a heartless person being able to go for so long. Arsehole.
Time will give you clarity.

Well done OP for not texting him. Stay strong!

Next step is to bag his stuff up and leave it on his door step.

@Lolly36.....after 10 days I would now be looking at this relationship is well and truly over. Time to start the grieving process. No texting or communication. Time to step up to yourself and look after your heart and soul now. Dont start looking for closure, it doesn't exist. You have to step away now and work towards a future without this abuse. Its going to still hurt and confuse you, that is exactly what he wants and knows he is doing to you. Dont think he doesn't realise what he is doing...he does. Step away, pull your big girl pants up and take steps away from this and be free. Good luck.