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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not talking after an argument

206 replies

Lolly36 · 14/03/2021 10:25

What would you say is the normal amount of time for someone to not talk to you after a minor argument?

I had a disagreement with DP on Wednesday and I've pretty much had silence since then, bar a couple of replies to some of my texts. We don't live together.

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 24/03/2021 14:44

I had a house mate who used sulking and silent treatment (I'm aware that is a different situation since it was a house mate situation). It wouldn't be anything to do with me as far as I knew. She would return from, say a weekend at home, and be in a sulk, and not speak to anyone, for days on end, bar those she had to interact with at work.

I was away for a few days, the second time she did it, and when I returned she asked where I had been, and told me magnanimously that she was wondering where I was, as she had just decided she was going to speak to me again.

I told her plainly, that I wasn't prepared to be treated like that. I didn't think of any of the wonderfully witty phrases that get trotted out regularly on MN. I just said it calmly and clearly. She didn't do it again.

Sulking is a horrible trait, it's not cute in a child, and it's run for the hills behaviour in an adult, especially in a partner, someone who supposedly loves you.

I can fully understand how a sulker, bit by bit, forces their partner into accepting their behaviour. And can switch on the charm once everything is going their way. But it's abusive, and that's the long and the short of it really.

You're far better off without that in your life, OP.

Lolly36 · 24/03/2021 15:59

@ilikemethewayiam The amount of times I've thought to myself 'I should have explained that a different way', to now realise that clearly no matter what way I phrased it I would have had the same result.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 24/03/2021 16:18

@CharityDingle

I had a house mate who used sulking and silent treatment (I'm aware that is a different situation since it was a house mate situation). It wouldn't be anything to do with me as far as I knew. She would return from, say a weekend at home, and be in a sulk, and not speak to anyone, for days on end, bar those she had to interact with at work.

I was away for a few days, the second time she did it, and when I returned she asked where I had been, and told me magnanimously that she was wondering where I was, as she had just decided she was going to speak to me again.

I told her plainly, that I wasn't prepared to be treated like that. I didn't think of any of the wonderfully witty phrases that get trotted out regularly on MN. I just said it calmly and clearly. She didn't do it again.

Sulking is a horrible trait, it's not cute in a child, and it's run for the hills behaviour in an adult, especially in a partner, someone who supposedly loves you.

I can fully understand how a sulker, bit by bit, forces their partner into accepting their behaviour. And can switch on the charm once everything is going their way. But it's abusive, and that's the long and the short of it really.

You're far better off without that in your life, OP.

I think you must have been housemates with the same woman I was. It drove me mad. It's so unpleasant and unnecessary and our friendship never recovered.
CharityDingle · 24/03/2021 16:42

@chargingthecharge

For my DP and I it can go anywhere between 3-5 days or just a couple hours, depending on the argument.

I used to be one of those people that would get incredibly anxious if we stopped speaking after a fight but then realised it's much better to take a few days off. It gives me time to analyse the situation, focus on my part of the argument but also attempt to understand his and then come back with a solution for it.

Whenever I forced the conversation to keep going after an argument it just ended up being worse

Worse, for whom?

And is it up to only you to 'come back with the solution' or do both of you come back determined to sort things out amicably?

IM0GEN · 24/03/2021 16:49

@Lolly36

We've been together 2 years and we didn't have any kind of arguments the first year. I've always known that he's not one to discuss any issues, he just brushes them under the carpet. I don't see the point in dragging anything on but to just get silence for days is actually quite upsetting!
If he’s not willing to talk about issues then there’s no duster for your relationship.

He is training you to STFU about things that bother you, otherwise he will punish you for days. So you will learn to walk on eggshells trying not to upset him.

You will swallow your anger and resentment and it will either make you ill ( physically or mentally ) or destroy your love for him.

Get out now.

IM0GEN · 24/03/2021 16:50

No future not no duster !

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