Not talking after an argument

[Lolly36]

What would you say is the normal amount of time for someone to not talk to you after a minor argument?

I had a disagreement with DP on Wednesday and I've pretty much had silence since then, bar a couple of replies to some of my texts. We don't live together.

I would bag up his stuff dump it off don't tell him as this will be your weak moment if he tries to talk to you etc.

Taking themselves off for a walk or a couple of days to cool down and reflect is a good idea.

Sorry to hear what you are going through, this silent treatment is completely unacceptable and I find it openly aggressive. My MIL does this, always over something minor and you don't always know what you did to warrant it. She was nice to me for the first couple of years but then this weird behaviour started with silent treatment for a few days, then a few weeks, now it's months (been since November at the moment I think - I'm glad of the break!) And then all of a sudden she just acts like nothing is wrong and you have to just accept it or it all begins again.

Any attempt for my husband to raise this with her has lead to arguments with him "well I was upset because you did [insert relatively thing here]" as if anything she does in response justifies her treatment of us afterwards. Apparently she has always done this to my husband and his siblings but they didn't realise it was weird!

It made me laugh when my BIL called us and said she hadn't spoken to him for over a year since his wedding. When he called her to wish he happy Christmas and suggested they could try move forward the following year she said she had to raise a few issues about his wedding that she didn't like before they could move forward. She complained about the food, the entertainment, the registrar's manner, and that she wasn't sat on the front row (she was sat on the second behind the bridesmaids and groomsmen which is pretty normal)!

Some people live in their own world where everything revolves around them! Don't stay in a relationship with someone like that.

Communication, respect, and trust are the most important keys to a successful relationship. You don't have this with your guy if he can treat you like that.

Oh god I also think you should drop his crap back to him now. This is no life, this is not someone who cares for you.
I was in a relationship with someone who trained me to never put my needs on the table because he would stonewall me for a good day or two over the most stupid things. Never again.

OP I think it's awful and such a red flag. I couldn't deal with that at all. Run like the wind...

I'd consider this over and move on, bag up his stuff, deposit outside, text him it's there, then block, take a deep breath, then on with the rest of your life. It will be a relief in time.

Just thought I'd update you all. He turned up at my house last night, no warning at all. Safe to say I was NOT impressed.

@Lolly36

Just thought I'd update you all. He turned up at my house last night, no warning at all. Safe to say I was NOT impressed.

Did you send him away with a flea in his ear?

What an absolute idiot he is. So he didn't actually want to end the relationship and expected you to welcome him with open arms when he deigned to talk to you again?

@Lolly36

Yes, but were you NOT impressed enough to tell him to ''Fuck off and never darken my door again, you snivelling piece of shit !''

Or were you just NOT impressed enough to be a little quiet for 5 bloody minutes, then let him in and carry on as if it had never happened at all, simply because you were grateful he'd 'forgiven' you ??

The first one would mean that you do value both yourself and your DC, and are aware that sulking for fucking days is NOT 'normal', and you're damned sure you deserve better !

The second simply means that you value him above both you and your DC, and you've once again given him the green light to treat you to ''the silent treatment'' whenever, and over whatever he decides either of you have done to warrant it !

Please, please tell me you chose option number 2 ????

I hope you told him to fuck iff and not come back until he'd grown up and stopped being an abusive twat

I hope you got him to wait outside whilst you collected up his stuff and handed it over!

Finish the update OP!!

Wow!! What did he say? How long has the silence been?? Tell us more. What did he say? What did you say?

What happened?

What a twat he is. So he thought you'd suffered enough by then?

@Lolly36

A few people have said 'imagine living with him'.

How does someone use silent treatment being in the same house? Surely it wouldn't be possible to completely ignore someone if you are sharing a bed / dinner?

That could be a completely ignorant comment by me (not intentionally) as I've never had experience of this before.

There's a series of threads on here by a fantastic poster called jamaisjedors.

She has separated from her sulking husband, well worth reading. I hope she won't mind me linking them.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4125147-Divorcing-sulking-DH-it-WILL-happen-in-2021

@CharityDingle - not a problem at all - quite the opposite.

@Lolly36 I hope you were able to stay strong (but don't be afraid to post if you didn't manage to end it or were bamboozled by your partner).

Like several other posters, I lived with someone who used "sulking" or the silent treatment as a way of dealing with conflict.

He admitted that it was to "punish" me (for wrongs I didn't know I had done).

As another poster puts it, this is life with a sulker :

It’s absolutely distressing though. It means I live a life where I can’t ever take offence or argue against anything he does or says. He gets to do what he wants with no comment from me. He cannot be told he’s wrong. He is incredibly over sensitive to any look or words from me. He has to be praised constantly. He keeps himself distant and makes very little effort to spend any time with me.

And then they snap back to normal and expect YOU to get over it and ask YOU why you are sulking/cross/in a mood.

I feel sick just thinking about it now...

EXH did this to me while we were still dating but less frequently than once we were married with kids. I certainly felt uncomfortable with his "arguing style" but as my parents screamed at each other, I thought it was better.

He also did a good job gas-lighting me and telling me I was imagining the sulking, he was just "quiet", or "had a bad back", "tired"...

So sorry for those still in relationships like this - I have extricated myself but it was pretty dramatic and the divorce is still ongoing 2 years later.

But life is great out on the other side !!!!

I think the OP has taken him back. His training of her will be on going now as he has the power to do what he likes but she will continue with the relationship. It happens as some of the posters have said. They have stayed and its been a terrible experience. I wish OP all the luck as they are now probably in the honey moon phase again of the abuse cycle. I hope she remains strong through this and the next time it happens perhaps she can revisit this thread and realise he wont change.

I think she has taken him back and so the cycle of abuse will continue.

She's making HER choice.

Some people can't or won't be helped.
They are so desperate for a partner, no treatment of them is too awful.

She'll realise eventually, at some point, when she's in very very deep and its harder to get away.🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi again, sorry for the delay in the update.

I'm ashamed to admit that after asking what on Earth he thought he was doing, I allowed him to stay. We've had 3 days of being perfectly fine and then last night happened.

He came over and within 10 minutes we had had an argument (shouldn't have even been an argument, it was just ridiculous). He stood up and said he couldn't be bothered with this so was going home. I said that the way he deals with conflict is seriously unhealthy, it's becoming more frequent and I can't deal with it any more (nor should I have to). His response? That's the way he deals with things, yes it can take anywhere between a day and a week to snap out of his mood but that's just him, and if I don't like it I know what I can do.

After trying to discuss it with him like a normal human being, and half an hour of his silence and sulking face, I told him I'm not going to put up with this any longer and he needed to go home and not come back.

I've had an awful night of no sleep, switching between being so upset that it's come to this, to raging about that the fact that he thinks he can treat me that way. It'll be long day at work today

Honestly OP, well done. It should have been sooner but hopefully you will stick to it this time. He isn't just showing you that he is a selfish fucker he is telling you, daring you not to put up with it. You cannot stay with this piece of shit, please!

Well done, OP. Now change the locks (even if he's left his keys as he may have duplicates) so he can't just waltz in again when he feels like it.

You absolutely did the right thing - this is not a healthy life to live. 🌹

Please do read the threads I linked, and the post above from the OP of those threads.

You're not alone, and there is far more to life than dealing with an adult who sulks.