Page 2 | Not talking after an argument

Lolly36 · 2021-03-14T10:25:47+00:00

What would you say is the normal amount of time for someone to not talk to you after a minor argument? I had a disagreement with DP on Wednesday and I've pretty much had silence since then, bar a couple of replies to some of my texts. We don't live together.

GreenBalaclava · 14/03/2021 11:34

In other words, why should his method of conflict resolution trump yours?

baileys6904 · 14/03/2021 11:36

Why are people here trying to decide what someone else's feeling should be?? Is there an acceptable time scale in mumsnet life then? Like, an hour for forgetting the milk, 2 days for insulting a family member, 4 hours for accessing emails, that sort of thing?

No one has the right to dictate how someone else should react, only whether it's acceptable to yourself.

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2021 11:57

He’s told you he isn’t going to change so you have to decide if you want to put up with a sulky man

I wouldn’t

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/03/2021 12:46

Each time this has happened I've explained how it makes me feel and he's basically said that's the way he deals with things and he's not going to change

You aren't compatible then. Imagine this with living together / money worries / kids / illness etc thrown in - this is how he deals with things. Disappear, head in the sand, return when he feels like it as if nothing has happened like the time you mentioned.

It's ok for that to not be an acceptable or suitable dynamic to you. I don't think it would be to many people.

He's told you he doesn't want to change, you need to take him at his word.

Original poster

Lolly36 · 14/03/2021 12:48

@Dery I was reaching out to him - he responded to a couple but mostly has ignored. I haven't contacted him today.

@Fireflygal His relationship history isn't great considering he's mid 30s. Has about 3 serious, including me, longest is with me. Previous partners have ended things with him although I don't know why.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 14/03/2021 12:54

This relationship doesn't have a healthy future. He knows how much his behaviour is hurting you and has told you that he will not change it.

Silent treatment is abuse because it's used to ensure that you don't argue with him because you don't want the painful consequence of being ignored afterwards.

Original poster

Lolly36 · 14/03/2021 14:06

Is it a bit passive aggressive to change my Amazon prime password?! I'm feeling pretty angry about it all today.

OP posts:

rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 14:23

He’s trying to provoke you. He’s incredibly immature. Now you know why his previous relationships have ended. This is toxic behaviour. He’s setting the precedent that you can’t ever argue with him because this will be the outcome. Surely you don’t want to go through life living like this?

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/03/2021 14:25

Sorry op you don't know why previous partners have dumped him? Really?
As for Amazon it's yours to do as you wish

You have autonomy for you, I suggest you use it to be with a grown up, he is clearly not. You are now guilty of condoning his behaviour if you except it,
Move forward for a happier life, don't let him have another 2yrs.

rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 14:28

My advice (as my husband does this) is to stop the relationship now. Go no contact. No messaging and no reaching out. You are having to act the apologetic one who did wrong to get the relationship back on track. None of this is right. If my husband had pulled the silent treatment on me before we got married I would not have married him. The only reason I put up with it is because we have a life and kids. It’s absolutely distressing though. It means I live a life where I can’t ever take offence or argue against anything he does or says. He gets to do what he wants with no comment from me. He cannot be told he’s wrong. He is incredibly over sensitive to any look or words from me. He has to be praised constantly. He keeps himself distant and makes very little effort to spend any time with me. If I didn’t have kids I’d be gone. If you stay with this man, my life will be your life. It’s lonely, shit and miserable. This is your chance to get out. You’ve been given a window to your future. Don’t ignore it

GreenBalaclava · 14/03/2021 14:57

I think that would be a bit petty, yes. You need to talk to him about this and address it head on. If he refuses to talk, or refuses to change when you do discuss it, then this relationship has no future.

GreenBalaclava · 14/03/2021 14:58

He's behaving like a spoilt child but no need for you to stoop to his level.

ChristmasFluff · 14/03/2021 14:58

The only acceptable amount of time for this to go on is a time that is set, such as 'I am too angry to talk about this right now, I need to go and calm down, I will be back in an hour', or 'look, this has made me rethink our whole relationship and I need some space to think about this. I will call you in two days' time when we've both had some space.'

Then everyone is clear where they stand, and can choose to end it if they think the time-frame is unacceptable

Anything else is sulking, manipulative, emotionally abusive, and would be an absolute dealbreaker.

Eckhart · 14/03/2021 15:35

@Lolly36

Is it a bit passive aggressive to change my Amazon prime password?! I'm feeling pretty angry about it all today.

He's told you that he's going to continue doing something that he know hurts you, and you're worried about being passive aggressive?

So you're going to stay with somebody who is quite comfortable with the idea of making you miserable for days on end, whenever he fancies it?

HollowTalk · 14/03/2021 15:38

I would definitely change the password and for anything else he might access. If he's using it when he's not speaking to you then that's really taking the piss.

Sparkletastic · 14/03/2021 15:45

He needs to do some growing up before he can successfully partner someone in a relationship. I think you've put more than enough effort in.

Appledrop · 14/03/2021 15:57

@rulerbirds

My advice (as my husband does this) is to stop the relationship now. Go no contact. No messaging and no reaching out. You are having to act the apologetic one who did wrong to get the relationship back on track. None of this is right. If my husband had pulled the silent treatment on me before we got married I would not have married him. The only reason I put up with it is because we have a life and kids. It’s absolutely distressing though. It means I live a life where I can’t ever take offence or argue against anything he does or says. He gets to do what he wants with no comment from me. He cannot be told he’s wrong. He is incredibly over sensitive to any look or words from me. He has to be praised constantly. He keeps himself distant and makes very little effort to spend any time with me. If I didn’t have kids I’d be gone. If you stay with this man, my life will be your life. It’s lonely, shit and miserable. This is your chance to get out. You’ve been given a window to your future. Don’t ignore it

I am actually gobsmacked that you are using the fact that you have kids as being a reason to stay with a person like that? What are you teaching them? Do you want them to put up and shut up like you are doing in any relationships they have when older? Mum did it so must I??? You are ignoring it, so how about you taking some of that advice you are shelling out and use it on yourself. I don't mean to be harsh but seriously having children also living under this type of abuse is terrible. Please pull your big girl knickers up and show your children a better way of living, be a positive role model. You can't hide your OH's behaviour from them so you know already that those children are aware. If you have a son, do you want him to grow up behaving the same way to women? Please rethink your situation and I wish you all the best. I just couldn't avoid not replying to your post as I found it upsetting.

Original poster

Lolly36 · 14/03/2021 16:04

@rulerbirds It's interesting you mention about 'looks'. Sometimes DP will say to me I have a moody look on my face yet again, and I'm like excuse me, this is just my face?!

OP posts:

rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 16:06

@Appledrop it’s easy for you to say. The pandemic means there are no jobs and no properties to rent in my area. Not everyone has a local support system or finances to just leave. I don’t. I’m planning and it is going to take time and for lockdown to be over. How exactly does somebody leave during a lockdown with nowhere else to go and no job or money. So please stop being so flippant. Life isn’t like it is in the movies. Women with kids stay for a reason and it’s going to be once lockdown is over and once I can find a job before I can leave.

billy1966 · 14/03/2021 16:11

OP,

He has shown you EXACTLY who he is and what your future would be like.

Now focus on you.

Why are you accepting this behaviour?
This is not normal healthy behaviour.

If you continue seeing him, you will have a home filled with poisonous silences every single time you have the slightest difference of opinion.

Kindly, you are being a very foolish woman not to take this very seriously.

You will bitterly regret staying with him if this is how he behaves over a minor disagreement.

GreenBalaclava · 14/03/2021 16:16

Your latest post makes him sound even worse OP.

Appledrop · 14/03/2021 16:19

[quote rulerbirds]@Appledrop it’s easy for you to say. The pandemic means there are no jobs and no properties to rent in my area. Not everyone has a local support system or finances to just leave. I don’t. I’m planning and it is going to take time and for lockdown to be over. How exactly does somebody leave during a lockdown with nowhere else to go and no job or money. So please stop being so flippant. Life isn’t like it is in the movies. Women with kids stay for a reason and it’s going to be once lockdown is over and once I can find a job before I can leave.[/quote]
You never mentioned you were planning on leaving in your orginal post, it read as if you were staying and putting up with it. I know its not easy as that, never said it was, you seem to be reading into things that aren't there. I was merely suggesting you taking some of your own advice and work on it to get away from such a way of life. Leaving someone doesn't happen overnight, it takes planning and coming to terms with your choice when its made. Take care of yourself.

BraveGoldie · 14/03/2021 16:26

@Eckhart

If they are teens, early 20s they may be capable of change...if older they are unlikely to change

Not true. Willingness to change is the deciding factor, not age.

Yes but if they haven't changed by, say 55, that indicates their lack of willingness? By that age they will have got feedback in one way or another many times and by not changing, they are clearly not willing to...

harknesswitch · 14/03/2021 16:31

My dh will sometimes go quiet after an argument for a day or two but he's processing what has happened. The important thing for me is that we discuss it afterwards and we resolve the issue. He's always civil towards me though and never rude.

It sounds like your dp is punishing you and the bit that stands out to me is that it gets brushed under the carpet rather than resolved

harknesswitch · 14/03/2021 16:35

I'd also say him changing your Amazon password is to provoke a reaction. I'm assuming that you'd normally try and engage him in conversation when this happens. However because you haven't, which is out of the norm for you and not what he wants, he's trying to provoke a reaction from you, hence the password change. He likes the control he has over you when this happens and today you're not reacting as he expects

Unless you need it I'd simply ignore it. Don't bother trying to change it back. It's just silly game playing.