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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not talking after an argument

206 replies

Lolly36 · 14/03/2021 10:25

What would you say is the normal amount of time for someone to not talk to you after a minor argument?

I had a disagreement with DP on Wednesday and I've pretty much had silence since then, bar a couple of replies to some of my texts. We don't live together.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2021 16:36

Previous partners have ended things with him although I don't know why.

Oh I think you do know. He's not capable of having normal disagreements and working them out. Either no one argues at all (and therefore you don't get your needs met) or you suffer for days for any disagreement.

Just for my interest, what have the disagreements been about?

Haffiana · 14/03/2021 16:37

Sulking is not 'processing' anything. It is done in order to show the other person how unacceptable you find their behaviour. It is done in order to punish them, to show them how wrong they are. It is a performance deliberately designed to affect the other person.

I would not put up with sulking in anyone over the age of three.

Lolly36 · 14/03/2021 17:16

@MrsTerryPratchett I'd rather not go in to specifics but they've never been about anything really serious. One time was because I told him that I found it a little disrespectful that he was liking other women's social media selfies!

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 14/03/2021 18:02

@baileys6904, some emotional responses are toxic...just because someone has them doesn't mean it's right. We all have to own how we react to situations. Silent treatment never resolves anything as it's usually one party deciding when "normal" resumes.

A cooling down period is recommended for conflict resolution but you should have a reasonable timeframe, you don't leave a partner hanging and ultimately you are seeking to resolve the issue by hearing your partner.

Op, I'm sorry, it's awful to be left hanging. It is usually deliberate as he wants to train you to not argue with him. These arguments are boundary pushes until you accept it as the norm. He gets to behave exactly as he wants and you learn that pushing back on him is pointless as you'll not be heard and if you do he will go silent with you. Inbetween these arguments he will be fun and attentive so you think he is committed to you.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2021 18:09

[quote Lolly36]@Dery I was reaching out to him - he responded to a couple but mostly has ignored. I haven't contacted him today.

@Fireflygal His relationship history isn't great considering he's mid 30s. Has about 3 serious, including me, longest is with me. Previous partners have ended things with him although I don't know why.

[/quote]
Yes you do...

RandomMess · 14/03/2021 18:11

Oh it seems it is 100% about getting you to shut up and let him behave how he wants without you challenging it!

billy1966 · 14/03/2021 18:18

He's punishing you.

And you know well why he has been dumped by other women.

They had self respect and wouldn't tolerate his nasty bullying bullshit.

Don't lie to yourself OP.

Imagine being married to someone like him, having children and every single time you do ANYTHING he disliked he would sulk for days.

He knows well you have self respect issues as he ignored you when he was disrespectful towards you and you told him, he subsequently ignored you and YOU accepted it instead of dumping his ass.

A woman who valued herself wouldn't put up with this crap.

Why are you?Flowers

Fireflygal · 14/03/2021 18:37

@rulerbirds, I'm sorry you have to live with this. You seem to have insight into his narcisstic behaviour. It is often not revealed until after marriage, although there may have been some covert signs.

I wish you luck in getting away from him and it is sensible to have a plan in place. He is unlikely to accept any accountability for the marriage ending and may seek to blame you, especially if he values his image as a "nice man".

rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 18:51

@Fireflygal absolutely spot on so I need a rock solid pan including another property sorted to go to and solicitor engaged etc etc. I need a job before I can do anything else because once I pull the plug I’m totally fucked if I’m not 100% self reliant. He will make it Hell on Earth. Slowly slowly catchy monkey

billy1966 · 14/03/2021 18:59

[quote rulerbirds]@Fireflygal absolutely spot on so I need a rock solid pan including another property sorted to go to and solicitor engaged etc etc. I need a job before I can do anything else because once I pull the plug I’m totally fucked if I’m not 100% self reliant. He will make it Hell on Earth. Slowly slowly catchy monkey[/quote]
Sounds like you are in hell.
You poor woman.

Have you contacted Women's Aid?

They are very helpful.
Could your LA help you with accommodation?

Contact Women's Aid for advice.

Wishing you strength.
Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2021 20:35

@RandomMess

Oh it seems it is 100% about getting you to shut up and let him behave how he wants without you challenging it!
Absolutely this.

Basically I will disrespect you by behaving like a single bloke online. If you don't like it I will stop talking to you.

I doubt he acts respectfully otherwise.

Ilovetheseventies · 15/03/2021 02:54

I had a discussion with my DP in that if we have a minor arguement, (he usually walks out which is brilliant 😊) that he must text within 24 hrs just to keep in touch that way there is space to think about things but also some communication.
We almost split up just before Christmas as there were a number of issues including walking out after an arguement, we don't live with each other and he wouldn't see the arguement through he would just leave and that was very upsetting. If he doesn't listen perhaps when he's ready to talk you should say you need longer.

Lullaby88 · 15/03/2021 04:08

Have you heard of attachment styles? Maybe thats his way of dealing with things when he is upset. My partner has this attachement style where he will shut down but he is worked on it and cut it down to a couple of hours and he will talk. He needs time to process his feelings. If u truly love him and he loves u then u have to understand eachother and work together on how you can both compromise.

AgentJohnson · 15/03/2021 07:15

Come on OP, he’s told and shown you exactly who he is. Your question should be, why the fuck am I putting up with it?

Stop trying to understand this emotionally stunted twat.

The balls in your court but you act like it’s in his.

Lolly36 · 16/03/2021 10:36

@AgentJohnson He hasn't been doing this for the whole of our relationship so I'm just trying to wrap my head around why he's doing it now.

OP posts:
Ilovetheseventies · 16/03/2021 11:10

If you want to continue in this relationship I would wait until he contacts you then leave him for a few days and see how he lijes it. That would get the message across well and truly and put the ball back in Yr court. It shouldn't be like that but it would be a way of showing him how it feels.

RandomMess · 16/03/2021 11:22

He is likely doing it now to test your boundaries so he can check you will put up with him doing as he wants.

Initially it was the love bombing stage and now he thinks he's secured you as a partner.

Eckhart · 16/03/2021 11:24

@Ilovetheseventies

If you want to continue in this relationship I would wait until he contacts you then leave him for a few days and see how he lijes it. That would get the message across well and truly and put the ball back in Yr court. It shouldn't be like that but it would be a way of showing him how it feels.
That's jus passive aggressive, and won't teach him a lesson because it's in his style. He'll think it's fine, and he'll just think 'Fine, sod you, then, I'll wait for you to get in touch with me.'

Adult life isn't about 'giving people a taste of their own medicine.' That's how you make both people feel bad. The aim is meant to be that you both feel comfortable, not that you are both being treated as poorly as each other, with the poorly behaved partner leading on which behaviours to use.

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2021 11:45

@AttilaTheMeerkat

A reaction like this from him should be a red flag to you. Its disproportionate at the very least and he is using silent treatment now (which is itself an example of emotional abuse) to further punish you for any and all alleged transgressions. This is who he is and you need to take heed.

I would actually end the relationship; there are men out there who do not act like this after a minor argument or disagreement. Thankfully you do not live together so splitting up, although still somewhat painful, will be a lot easier. Do not tolerate this.

Thankyou, I was just coming along to say the same, I have been there so know I am not talking rubbish. I had that for 9 yrs including with a child on board. Walking out, occasionally a day or two away would go and stay with a relative. Last straw for me was New Years Eve when I was pregnant, and then after DC was born, out for the day and Eve not a word, not answering phone etc.

I can understand not wanting to speak etc when you've just had an argument, like you don't always want to, but acknowledge the person at least, and wait until things die down a bit and then speak about it.
I don't know if you have experienced other things from your DP but it is a form of emotional abuse.

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2021 11:47

@Eckhart

A reaction like this from him should be a red flag to you

A red flag is an emotional response, rather than the action that caused it. A red flag is your own internal signal that somebody has done something that crosses your boundaries.

But it's also meant as in a warning about the way someone is.
HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 16/03/2021 11:49

Rulerbirda. Please don't stay in this marriage for your kids. I had this upbringing and itstaken me years of expensive therapy and the mistake of similar relationships of my own to even partly recover from it. Its a shit way to live, for anyone in that house.

JustLyra · 16/03/2021 11:54

Was the argument about you popping by unannounced?

Eckhart · 16/03/2021 11:58

@Redruby2020

But it's also meant as in a warning about the way someone is

That's the definition of what 'red flag' means. What I'm saying is that everybody has different ones. We all have a lot in common (ie we all have a red flag response when somebody hits us) but we all have our own set, unique to us. In recognising this, we recognise that we are individuals, rather than accepting pressure to conform emotionally to some norm.

For example, if you meet a new person, and they text you 10 times a day, you might love it. Another person may have a red flag response, that tells them that 10 texts is too many for them, and that the person is too clingy, needs too much reassurance, etc. Nobody is doing anything wrong in this scenario. But a personal boundary is crossed. The same thing happens if somebody swears at you or is verbally abusive. A higher percentage of people will have a red flag response, here.

The trick is to recognise your own red flag responses, and learn how to respond accordingly. The common question is 'Is it ok for me to have this red flag response, or am I just being silly/over reacting/too sensitive/childish/weak?'

Some of us get red flag responses to spiders, and some don't. Those responses are respected by those who love us, but those who do not love and respect us will put joke spiders in our cornflakes and so on. There is no sense at all to a red flag/spider response, but it doesn't matter. It is who we are, and who we are will be respected by those who love us; it's one way to prove love for somebody, in fact.

igglu · 16/03/2021 12:13

Honestly, get rid. I had one like this and put up with it for years. I wish I'd just realised how bad it was the first time he did it and dumped him then.

I bet there are other red flags if you think about it. There were with mine in hindsight. The absolute relief I felt once he moved out was immense, you're constantly under pressure when they're like this, in case you say the wrong thing.

Ex is actually giving me the silent treatment at the moment because I stuck to my boundaries at the weekend and didn't do something he wanted, but I don't care nowGrin

AaSaat · 16/03/2021 12:20

My Husband talks and talks and talks. This works well because I am a quiet person. I could never put up with someone who thought it was ok to 'punish' their partner in this way. It may well be the 'thin end of the wedge' with more to follow if he thinks he has all of the control.

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