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Original poster

Ending Affair - NC Support

294 replies

StarLuna · 09/03/2021 10:08

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment. Smile

OP posts:
whattocallmyselfeh · 09/03/2021 10:42

I have recently stopped an affair - actually, I'm not sure who stopped it. Neither of us have bothered to message each other and its just been left. I couldn't carry on creeping around behind DH back as it was just too much what with everything else I have going on generally in my life. Too much to constantly be 'ready' and looking my best every time I went out of the house in case there was an opportunity to pop over to his, while also trying to make it not look obvious to DH.
I will miss the sex with my AP, the attention and way he made me feel - I get none of this at home - but at the same time it was a complete mental mind field for me and too much for me mentally and emotionally.

Original poster
StarLuna · 09/03/2021 13:12

@whattocallmyselfeh have you blocked him? I understand what you said about being a mind field, I think a lot of people underestimate how much an affair can impact mentally and emotionally, once feelings start to develop it just goes downhill.

OP posts:
whattocallmyselfeh · 09/03/2021 13:33

@StarLuna - I've not blocked him and it doesn't look like he has blocked me either. Nothing was said to end it by either of us (he's single), we just stopped messaged. All quite odd. First time I have done this sort of thing. I always fall in at the deep end with men and I had visions of leaving DH for AP, taking the kids and selling the house. No idea if any of it was realistic or not.

I'm sad but relieved to not having to make excuses to get out of the house or trying to look nice to go see him and forever wondering if DH was suspicious. AP was my ideal man in many ways, but in other ways I felt a little let down with some of the things he did/said. I smile at the great sex we had and how he made me feel sexy again. He has opened my eyes to how I had let myself go a little (nothing he said or did but his massive sense of appearance made me take a good look at mine and how i have so much nice jewellery etc that I never wear and how I can push the boat out with clothes different to my usual same old style - I thank him for this).

While AP doesn't contact me then I am OK. If he ever contacted me again then my head would be spinning again. It's been 2 weeks no contact, I am assuming we are done and I can accept that.

I still hope I see him out out when everything is open again. I will be looking stunning and will just give him a cheeky smile.

Rose76445 · 09/03/2021 13:51

Well this thread started off deep and meaningfully didn't it? It was too much stress to look good all the time in case I had to rush over for some extra marital sex? 😂 Is this what you meant op? About affairs impacting emotionally?

marsmars · 09/03/2021 15:35

@whattocallmyselfeh

Wonder if you'd still be smiling to yourself about the sex if your DH and family found out?

Notimefor · 10/03/2021 19:36

Hmm grim

Marineboy67 · 10/03/2021 20:44

@Notimefor

Hmm grim
They'll never know that hurt...
Headisgone · 12/03/2021 10:32

Im on day one nc

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 10:49

Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment.

The issue with this is that it is useful to hear people tell you the harsh truth about the effects and consequences of your decision to have an affair.

Otherwise these threads tend to end up romanticising what could have been / empathising with the idea that you're the exceptions to the married or couples up man being a prick.

It's confirmation bias to the extreme.

The truth is that an affair a shitty and selfish decision that rarely ends well and if you don't stick to no contact you are doing something shitty and selfish.

It's more useful to be reminded of the consequences for your partner / their partner if they find out than it is to lament losing someone you deem the love of your life who is actually just a run of the mill dickhead who wants to have their cake and eat it too.

People just end up egging each other on to keep going over the affair and the 'good' moments (which aren't real life, they are escapism and fantasy in the vast, overwhelming majority of cases) instead of doing the right thing and moving on.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 10:51

While AP doesn't contact me then I am OK. If he ever contacted me again then my head would be spinning again. It's been 2 weeks no contact, I am assuming we are done and I can accept that

This thread is about going no contact. Why not block this man if you know the consequences of contact would get your head spinning? You're an adult, take control and stop being preoccupied with someone you had an affair with and whose main impact on you was to do with your appearance.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 10:52

I’ve been NC since Dec, and haven’t seen him for a year. However we’ve been in this situation for almost 20 years now. With prolonged NC periods, and then it starts up again. I never contact him, but I respond when he contacts me. This is what I need to stop - the responding.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 10:52

@StarLuna

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 10:54

@Lighthousecow

I’ve been NC since Dec, and haven’t seen him for a year. However we’ve been in this situation for almost 20 years now. With prolonged NC periods, and then it starts up again. I never contact him, but I respond when he contacts me. This is what I need to stop - the responding.
Block him. Job done.
Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 10:54

I’m hoping Covid has stuck the final nail in the coffin.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 10:57

@youvegottenminuteslynn yep! Is the answer. I know I won’t though.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 11:00

[quote Lighthousecow]@youvegottenminuteslynn yep! Is the answer. I know I won’t though.[/quote]
Let's work through that though. Why?

You know there is literally no positive outcome for your life by replying to him.

You know that if he messages you you will reply.

So you need to stop letting him be able to message you.

Surely it helps to think about the consequences if you get back in touch and are found out?

Maybe list what those would be, whose feelings would be hurt, what is at stake on here so you can keep looking at it and work towards blocking.

Maybe you need counselling to get you to a place where you block? Not doing so is totally self destructive as well as selfish and shitty. Nobody is winning. Except a man who gets attention from you on tap and has you desperate for his attention.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 11:11

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you! I really appreciate your reply.
I don’t know. Like I said I’ve known him for about 20 years. He went through a really tough time a few years ago, and I supported him getting back with his partner. I feel guilty about the way I’ve treated him in the past. With my partner - we are a team, but not affectionate at all. But we do work well together.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 11:21

I think - in my head - I’ve been wanting two support two men that I love, with no impact on the other.

EpochTime · 12/03/2021 11:28

@Lighthousecow

I think - in my head - I’ve been wanting two support two men that I love, with no impact on the other.
Could you have a slight case of martyr complex? Why is it not enough for you to support just one man? Could you re-direct the support you feel you need to give to the OM to other female friends/charity work?
Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 11:37

@EpochTime I have a horrible feeling that I fucked up his life for him.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 11:39

And I was really catty and awful to him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 11:40

@Lighthousecow

And I was really catty and awful to him.
Well then the best thing you can do is block him and let him move on, isn't it?
Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 11:40

But I thought he’d be fine - he was so attractive, high flying career, funny - I thought he’d easily just find someone and settle down.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 11:44

In terms of the blocking - if I know he’s not contacting me, I know he’s ok?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 12:15

@Lighthousecow

In terms of the blocking - if I know he’s not contacting me, I know he’s ok?
You're being incredibly selfish. You don't want to know if he's ok, you feel entitled to know if he is or not. It's none of your business now. You said yourself that it would send you into a spin if he contacts you. Which implies the reaction from you would be to engage with him again because you enjoy being in touch with him. The kindest thing you can do is block and move on. You don't seem to understand that his life, wellness etc are not something you have the right to have access to. He is not yours to worry about. If you aren't blocking, you don't want to move on, not really. You want to know you can still get attention from him if he wants to give it to you. Don't you think that's childish and nonsensical?