Page 4 | Ending Affair - NC Support

StarLuna · 2021-03-09T10:08:36+00:00

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment. [smile]

Forachange77 · 14/03/2021 17:41

Well, you could argue the marriage obviously didn't feel enough before the affair and that's why it started. Every situation is unique. I would think going back to as it was before with no changes would mean the marriage is likely to be unhappy or fail altogether. So it's about how much work your willing to put in, remembering that your working with a spouse who likely knows nothing of the affair and probably isn't motivated to change then I don't think the likelihood of "happy ever after" will come easily.

Lighthousecow · 15/03/2021 09:41

He contacted me, and I’m not going to reply. This is where I’ve struggled before. Day 1.

peridito · 15/03/2021 10:07

"Lighthouse" and strength . Please drop the "cow" from your user name .

You sound kind and thoughtful .Every situation is unique .Do the best you can xxx

Lighthousecow · 15/03/2021 10:10

@peridito I got my name by looking at the 2 nearest objects in front of me!

whattocallmyselfeh · 15/03/2021 10:16

I need to end my affair - I thought it had ended after no contact from either of us for a few weeks .. but he messaged again showing he is very keen to carry on. We messaged a lot the other day. I would feel terrible ghosting him, that's not fair, I don't want to end it but I know I have to for everyone's best interests. I don't have the energy to keep seeing him in secret, thinking of excuses to get out of the house and tbh I don't want the drama of it all and I really cannot be arsed with it all.

How on earth do I tell him ? surely it's not fair to do it over text.

Lighthousecow · 15/03/2021 10:16

Thank you though xxxx

Lighthousecow · 15/03/2021 10:40

@whattocallmyselfeh having had similar thoughts myself, including the feeling bad about ghosting - I would, in my case, it’s more to have some emotional involvement, or an excuse I’m making to myself. I don’t think ‘ghosting’ is the correct term, because the OM will know why. My personal concern is why I can’t block - and my motivation for this.

Ruminating2020 · 15/03/2021 13:56

@whattocallmyselfeh

I need to end my affair - I thought it had ended after no contact from either of us for a few weeks .. but he messaged again showing he is very keen to carry on. We messaged a lot the other day. I would feel terrible ghosting him, that's not fair, I don't want to end it but I know I have to for everyone's best interests. I don't have the energy to keep seeing him in secret, thinking of excuses to get out of the house and tbh I don't want the drama of it all and I really cannot be arsed with it all.

How on earth do I tell him ? surely it's not fair to do it over text.

You have to end it whether it's face to face, text, email etc or it will drag and prolong the agony and cause further harm. Doing it by text is better than dragging it further.

Tell him not to contact you and that you will delete and block his number. If he is the hoovering type, then ignore him completely if you have to.

ginandcv · 15/03/2021 16:20

I have been on previous threads as I ended an affair and stayed with my lovely husband. I never told him.

There was never anything wrong with our marriage. I was a selfish dick having a midlife crisis. I had my head turned. I regret everything about it. It was limerance pure and simple.

I am not the person I thought I was. It has made me re evaluate everything. I lost sleep and was seriously low. It was a terrible episode in my otherwise happy comfortable life.

I ended the affair and went no contact. I am a much better wife. I had counselling etc and read lots, listened to lots of podcasts etc.

I will NEVER cheat again.

I am happier than I've ever been.

I can answer questions if it's helpful but will ignore any nastiness.

Ruminating2020 · 15/03/2021 16:32

Would you consider telling your dh @ginandcv?

I had an EA which developed from what I thought was a friendship. I had never hid the EAP's existence from dh and even told dh that I think was attracted to him, but the EAP was absolutely not my type. Certainly doesn't even hold a candle to dh.

Like you, there was never anything wrong in my marriage, it was just that we had moved, I had just began a new job after being off with a baby and had very few friends. I thought I had got on rather well with someone at work who seem to be on my wavelength - all fake.

It was very difficult going NC with the EAP as we worked together and it became extremely toxic every time I tried to break it off. The only thing that worked was him leaving (or getting sacked) and communication was limited.

In the end, I simply ignored his attempts to rile me again by email, stalking and harassment on my way to work. The EAP thrived on reactions and responses from me which explained a lot of things.

Apart from a period of depression and PTSD symptoms from the abusive nature of the association, I am happiest that I have ever been in my marriage with dh. dh never gave up on me and has never used this awful experience against me.

ginandcv · 15/03/2021 16:39

I've thought long and hard about it yes. However it would cause more damage - especially to him. He would have assumed (wrongly) that he did something to cause this.

I know he wouldn't have wanted to split. It felt like by revealing the affair it wouldn't improve anything.

I think some people would say he should have the choice. He should have all the information and that I have denied him that.

On balance I felt that the outcome would be the same; in that we'd stay together. I feel like it's my burden to carry and that I'm protecting our marriage by staying quiet.

I don't think I can ever articulate this well. And hell I had a bloody affair so my moral compass is way off, but the affair ended over a year ago, and we have a great relationship.

We are all the things a good marriage should be. I never take him for granted. We get on fantastically. We never run out of things to talk/laugh about.

I just don't think we'd find that in other people.

I look at is as being a drug addict. I was addicted to this other guy. Made stupid choices at that time. But now it's over. I won't ever relapse and I have learnt how not to.

Ineedaslap · 15/03/2021 17:23

@ginandcv I hope you don't mind but can I ask you how you realised it was limerance? I have been in an on/off situation for two years and am utterly bereft that it has ended, it feels like more than limerance.
What did you read and which podcasts did you listen to that helped you get through it? as I am wondering if they will help me.
I work with my AP and we will see each other so I feel like I need to get a grip on this now and move on somehow, or at least be in a stronger position when I do see him.

@Ruminating2020 I know you have commented on other threads to me before, it is hard when you work with them isn't it? It is extremely unlikely either of us will leave or get sacked from our work so I have to learn to live with it. Like you my DH is aware, and is being amazing. I just need to get this guy out of my head somehow!

Ineedaslap · 15/03/2021 17:31

@Lighthousecow @whattocallmyselfeh

I have read the thread, and totally understand where you are coming from. That was me a couple of months ago until the situation was taken out of my hands.
However, looking back I had started to have a few doubts and now wish I had just gone NC with no messing when I was considering it, it would have saved a lot of pain.

Ruminating2020 · 15/03/2021 18:10

@ginandcv Do you not really think the burden of shame and guilt will overwhelm you and your secret will come out in the end?

@Ineedaslap Yes, I have commented on other threads that you are on. I found it incredibly difficult when you work together. I don't know whether it would have continued if he stayed, but I did know that I became more afraid of him and liked him less and less. I look back and think WTF was I thinking.

I don't know what I ever saw in my EAP after the friendly facade was dropped and it's something that I regret everyday.

Ineedaslap · 15/03/2021 18:19

@Ruminating2020 that does sound like an extremely difficult situation.

I'd known my AP for a couple of years before the affair and he is always very nice, and extremely unlikely to turn nasty. He is quite weak really. That makes it more difficult as I just can't stop wanting him. I almost wish he would do something that would make me see him in a bad light you know? Break that cycle.

Ruminating2020 · 15/03/2021 18:53

Have you been married long @Ineedaslap?

There is no one I'd rather be with than dh after 20 years of marriage and the ea happened nearly 15 years ago.
You may look back and think the same. You mentioned physical symptoms when he's around you, and I think it's limerence. The intermittent stopping and starting is what makes it addictive and harder to break I think.

Does your AP's wife know?

LoveIsAllThereIs · 15/03/2021 19:09

@ginandcv do you really think there was nothing at all wrong in your marriage? Not even like taking each other for granted? Did you ever consider leaving for AP? How long did the affair last? Was he upset when it ended? No judgements here btw.

Borntohula · 15/03/2021 19:24

This thread is like a magnet for people who have been cheated on and feel the need to project. I'm afraid it's not as simple as 'you had an affair therefore youre a terrible person.' It's more complex.

Ruminating2020 · 15/03/2021 19:33

@Borntohula There hasn't been many posts of betrayed spouses projecting and if you read the whole thread, there are posters who are offering helpful advice about going NC.

Original poster

StarLuna · 15/03/2021 19:40

@Forachange77 I agree with you about putting work into the marriage. As someone else here said my marriage is not bad at all, my husband is a great man who loves me and generally is a very sweet person. What I found during the affair is that I was only seeing the bad things on my husband to try and justify my actions. Now that the affair has ended I am able to see the qualities on my husband and value him, I want to be the best wife I can for him because he deserves to be happy as well as I do. I do not intend on telling him the truth as it will only cause pain, yes I might sound selfish but I do not think that what I did defines me as a person and I want to make amendments.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarLuna · 15/03/2021 19:52

@whattocallmyselfeh I was on a similar position to you when I was having my affair, I felt guilty for ending things with AP but then realised there was no other option, I found it would be easier for me to stay strong on the decision doing it by text, I thought maybe meeting in person he could persuade me not to end things. I took time to write down the message and make sure I told him everything I wanted him to know, waited for his reply and after all was said we blocked each other. I have had a mix of emotions, from pain, sad, proud but mostly I feel free, free from all the lies and sneaking around. I hope you find the strength to make the decision, it is hard but I think long term ir will be worth it.

OP posts:

ginandcv · 15/03/2021 19:58

[quote Ineedaslap]@ginandcv I hope you don't mind but can I ask you how you realised it was limerance? I have been in an on/off situation for two years and am utterly bereft that it has ended, it feels like more than limerance.
What did you read and which podcasts did you listen to that helped you get through it? as I am wondering if they will help me.
I work with my AP and we will see each other so I feel like I need to get a grip on this now and move on somehow, or at least be in a stronger position when I do see him.

@Ruminating2020 I know you have commented on other threads to me before, it is hard when you work with them isn't it? It is extremely unlikely either of us will leave or get sacked from our work so I have to learn to live with it. Like you my DH is aware, and is being amazing. I just need to get this guy out of my head somehow![/quote]
The affair was short. It was ridiculous. It was all sharing messages and stolen kisses. I couldn't eat or sleep. I wasn't myself at all. I was like a silly teenager. It was just chemicals. It wasn't based on anything more than mutual physical attraction.

ginandcv · 15/03/2021 20:00

[quote Ineedaslap]@ginandcv I hope you don't mind but can I ask you how you realised it was limerance? I have been in an on/off situation for two years and am utterly bereft that it has ended, it feels like more than limerance.
What did you read and which podcasts did you listen to that helped you get through it? as I am wondering if they will help me.
I work with my AP and we will see each other so I feel like I need to get a grip on this now and move on somehow, or at least be in a stronger position when I do see him.

@Ruminating2020 I know you have commented on other threads to me before, it is hard when you work with them isn't it? It is extremely unlikely either of us will leave or get sacked from our work so I have to learn to live with it. Like you my DH is aware, and is being amazing. I just need to get this guy out of my head somehow![/quote]
I found Ester Perels podcast and books helpful.

Lots of stuff on you tube

One about 'not just friends'

I'm sure I'll think of more.

Will answer other questions shortly.

Ineedaslap · 15/03/2021 20:11

@ginandcv thanks. Mine was different to that, I do appreciate the reply.

@Ruminating2020 over 20 years. Yes his wife found out. Hence why it stopped. I really don't know what to think about how I feel, I do know I have never been like this before about anyone, I wish I could stop feeling like this.
I still feel like I need to speak to him and tell him how he has made me feel, the (empty?) promises etc. So I can try and move on. The air needs to be cleared somehow as it will make things awkward at work (again!) and I can't be doing with that.

ginandcv · 15/03/2021 20:20

[quote Ruminating2020]@ginandcv Do you not really think the burden of shame and guilt will overwhelm you and your secret will come out in the end?

@Ineedaslap Yes, I have commented on other threads that you are on. I found it incredibly difficult when you work together. I don't know whether it would have continued if he stayed, but I did know that I became more afraid of him and liked him less and less. I look back and think WTF was I thinking.

I don't know what I ever saw in my EAP after the friendly facade was dropped and it's something that I regret everyday.[/quote]
In the beginning after ending the affair I constantly considered coming clean. I was so low. I had counselling and decided not to.

I don't think it'll get to that point where it'll be unbearable. I think the damage it'd do means I won't feel a relief by revealing it. I will just be handing the pain to him.