Page 3 | Ending Affair - NC Support

StarLuna · 2021-03-09T10:08:36+00:00

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment. [smile]

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 18:24

Or an occasional friendly email. The affair started when I was low after having DD.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 18:25

Does your actual partner know about any of this?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 18:26

That was to @Lighthousecow

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 18:48

@youvegottenminuteslynn at the start of our relationship - yes. We’ve not really had relationship rules. So if he’s been on skiing holidays etc with his friends, he’s free to do what he wants...

wonderoneone · 12/03/2021 18:49

Name changed for this.
I broke my nc today. Completely on a whim too. I'm single, he is married. It's nothing more than sex to me.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 18:50

Or at least he knew about OM at the start, and that we kept in touch. He doesn’t know about what’s happened since DD was born.

Ruminating2020 · 12/03/2021 19:03

@wonderoneone

Name changed for this. I broke my nc today. Completely on a whim too. I'm single, he is married. It's nothing more than sex to me.

Block him again. There must be single men on Tinder or similar who are willing to have just sex with you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 19:39

@Lighthousecow

Or at least he knew about OM at the start, and that we kept in touch. He doesn’t know about what’s happened since DD was born.

Well he wouldn't feel happy / secure / like a team etc if he knew you'd been lying to him would he? So saying he is those things in defence of your behaviour doesn't mean anything. I don't even think you're lying to yourself like some people do, I think you know full well that having contact with him is bad for everyone involved but you like having the ego stroke and attention each time he gets back in touch which is why you don't block him.

I feel really sorry for your actual partner, you're making a fool of him.

And for what? You don't want to leave him. You aren't madly in love with this other man to the point you want to be with him. You just want to have a safe partner and then one you can get an ego boost from too.

Time to grow up I'm afraid. You have kids. How would you feel if when they're adults their partner behaved towards them how you have towards their dad? Pretty angry I would imagine.

Saying it's benefitted you all / everyone is happier than ever is absolutely ridiculous when not everyone in the situation has full knowledge of what's happened so they can make an informed decision. Can you not see that?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 19:40

@wonderoneone

Name changed for this. I broke my nc today. Completely on a whim too. I'm single, he is married. It's nothing more than sex to me.

So why not have sex with someone unattached? If it's "just sex" then I can only assume you get some kick out of the fact he's married and it's 'naughty'?

wonderoneone · 12/03/2021 20:19

@youvegottenminuteslynn not at all. I suppose it's because I don't want anymore. I know it won't develop into anything else and that suits me. I'll never put pressure on him to leave so it works for the both of us. I never thought I'd be in this position. I don't know his wife but we do have one mutual friend.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 20:32

[quote wonderoneone]@youvegottenminuteslynn not at all. I suppose it's because I don't want anymore. I know it won't develop into anything else and that suits me. I'll never put pressure on him to leave so it works for the both of us. I never thought I'd be in this position. I don't know his wife but we do have one mutual friend.
[/quote]
If it works well and it suits you why did you go no contact? Hopefully because you don't want to be part of doing a really shitty cruel thing?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 20:34

You have a mutual friend too. Grim. There are literally millions of men out there. You haven't even got the excuse of falling in love with someone etc that some people trot out. You just enjoy shagging him? I hope nobody does to you what you're part of with him. Because you will really hate yourself for having been part of it.

Lighthousecow · 13/03/2021 04:32

@youvegottenminuteslynn I agree with what you are saying. I don’t intend to tell him - I’ve also hidden from him how low my mental health was. To the extent that I walked down to the train station late at night when DD was little, and went right down to the end of the platform. It was 2 days later that I had an email out of the blue from OM. And from that point onwards, all our lives improved. It is time to stop now. But, I don’t think I’ll be able to block - but I will say no more. I agree that DP isn’t able to make an informed choice about whether he wants to be with me, and that’s completely unfair on him.

Forachange77 · 13/03/2021 09:55

@Lighthousecow

Your marriage sounds so sad to me. A man who doesn't know that his wife is waiting for a message from another man that she will most likely respond to and possibly, probably become intimate with him. It is just so far away from a loving marriage it is unbelievable. What a waste.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/03/2021 10:19

It is time to stop now. But, I don’t think I’ll be able to block - but I will say no more.

This is nonsense because you have said you won't block him but know you will reply if he messages. So it isn't actually stopping, it's just pausing until he messages.

I agree that DP isn’t able to make an informed choice about whether he wants to be with me, and that’s completely unfair on him.

It is. Completely and totally unfair. The audacity of saying he is happy and secure when you've done what you've done is unreal. He wouldn't be happy or secure if he knew the truth about his own life and his own wife. It's so cruel.

I'm really sorry that you suffered with mental health issues and think that you should have some counselling to unpack the reasons you're refusing to take control of a situation you have total agency over. You are not unable to block him, you are unwilling. You want contact with him, it's that simple. You don't want to end contact, it's that simple. You want a nice partner and someone else as an ego boost / validation, it's that simple.

It's a cop out when people imply it's really complicated. At this stage, it is simple. One action - blocking him - and the chord is cut. It's over. You can both move on. What you've done to your partner is incredibly cruel.

CautiousBlonde · 13/03/2021 11:10

Affairs can just happen.

Most people realise that it’s not the greatest thing to do, but everyone has their own reasons.

The negative posters, while they are entitled to their opinions (although they have kindly been asked not to comment but do anyway), can be ignored

Youwhobego · 13/03/2021 11:24

Has anyone on this thread actually tried making it work with their husband?
Has anyone actually considered ‘hey I’m getting this from another person but I want this from the man I’m married to’? Then have a full blown heart to heart about what’s missing and needs to change in the relationship? At least if that doesn’t work then you should leave, you shouldn’t continue in an unhappy relationship while having an affair.

I just feel so sorry for the husbands/wives/partners of the people who have affairs. I’d never recover if my DP cheated
I couldn’t live with the guilt, I wouldn’t sleep at night if I cheated either

Ruminating2020 · 13/03/2021 11:35

@CautiousBlonde

Affairs can just happen.

Most people realise that it’s not the greatest thing to do, but everyone has their own reasons.

The negative posters, while they are entitled to their opinions (although they have kindly been asked not to comment but do anyway), can be ignored

I think it's fair enough for posters to discourage someone who is meant to be going NC from unblocking because that is the point of a NC thread isn't it?

Saying affairs can just happen isn't taking responsibility for one's actions. I say this as someone who had an EA many years ago with a coworker which dh knew about at the time.

It was without a doubt the most horrible experience of my life, not only because the AP turned out to be a narcissist, but I admit it was also my poor decisions that caused the hurt to everyone. I went NC many times but got "sucked back in". The thing that worked was finally realising that I didn't need to respond at all. I guess one of the reasons why I kept responding was out of fear of his narcissist rages or that he might threaten to kill himself. He still tried to hoover me 3 years later via email which I showed to dh and deleted.

No idea how the other person is doing now but I hope they are content with their own company or perhaps in a healthy relationship.

I am extremely blessed that after all that, my dh still wants to be with me.

CautiousBlonde · 13/03/2021 12:57

@Ruminating2020

Of course encouragement is a good thing 😊

My point was that it’s so easy for people to find themselves in an affair, for whatever reason. Did you go looking for your EA then?

People will take responsibility when they are ready to do so. I’d say most people get that it’s not the right thing to do, but for whatever reason they find themselves doing it. There can be multiple reasons why. Why did you have yours??

And yes, you are very lucky indeed that your husband still wants you. I, for one, would be much less forgiving.

Forachange77 · 13/03/2021 13:10

Affairs don't just happen to most people I'm quite sure, and of course there are reasons for the affair but this is a thread about ending affairs, not justifying them and not continuing them. A lot of the negativity comes when you get posters coming on and saying " If he wants me again I will respond", or talking about ongoing affairs (previous thread like this that happened a lot) then it's not an NC thread is it?

Ruminating2020 · 13/03/2021 13:16

[quote CautiousBlonde]@Ruminating2020

Of course encouragement is a good thing 😊

My point was that it’s so easy for people to find themselves in an affair, for whatever reason. Did you go looking for your EA then?

People will take responsibility when they are ready to do so. I’d say most people get that it’s not the right thing to do, but for whatever reason they find themselves doing it. There can be multiple reasons why. Why did you have yours??

And yes, you are very lucky indeed that your husband still wants you. I, for one, would be much less forgiving.[/quote]
@CautiousBlonde No, I didn't look for an EA. I happen to get on with a colleague and became friends with him. The friendship turned to an EA when he declared his feelings. Although I told him I had no intention to betray my dh, I still continued to spend time in his company. I now look back and notice the red flags that led to that point, but I still made those choices.

I was the new girl and I was new in the area so didn't have many friends. This person and I seem to be good friends at work so I naively trusted that he only saw me as a friend. I guess I enjoyed his company for a bit but that changed after the line was crossed.

It was a crazy making cycle of idealising, devaluing and discarding.

Original poster

StarLuna · 13/03/2021 13:33

@Forachange77

Affairs don't just happen to most people I'm quite sure, and of course there are reasons for the affair but this is a thread about ending affairs, not justifying them and not continuing them. A lot of the negativity comes when you get posters coming on and saying " If he wants me again I will respond", or talking about ongoing affairs (previous thread like this that happened a lot) then it's not an NC thread is it?

Absolutely agree, the ones seeking for advice here have something in common which is the affair, some of us have already gone NC, others will be looking to go NC, everyone looking to stop their affair or how to deal with the emotions during this period is very welcome to the thread. I don’t want to star justifying the reasons why the affair started as people have many different experiences, what it is important now is that we want to make things somehow right and end the affairs, it has been recommended many times that NC is the best way to achieve this and if we support each other hopefully we can stay strong in the decision. That is the idea behind this thread!

OP posts:

LoveIsAllThereIs · 14/03/2021 16:14

Do you think you ever feel content again though? The security and comfort of the marriage must be wonderful to have again, but knowing that there is someone who can desire you, look at you, kiss you etc like that, when your own husband can't. That's so hard to come to terms with. Do you maybe forget about it in time? Put it down to a memory? Knowing the angst isn't worth it?

Forachange77 · 14/03/2021 16:34

What is secure about a marriage with no affection? Leaving the marriage is also a way of ending the affair. This is 2021, not 1921, people have options and make choices. To make the choice of continuing an affair whilst benefitting from a marriage are only thinking of their own needs.

LoveIsAllThereIs · 14/03/2021 17:02

But ending a marriage to legitimise an affair? That's risky, unknown, uncertain, unstable. So I can see why some people choose to end the affair and NC. My question is, does that marriage ever feel enough after the affair?