Ending Affair - NC Support

[StarLuna]

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment.

@Thewookiemustgo

I think your husband had an affair with the same woman as mine.

Money grabbing ....
Even borrowing money off him (a lot) and never repaying it.

There's no fool like an old fool.

@Onthedunes 😂
I normally steer clear of mentioning that side of things on MN as any OW criticism is usually jumped on as a typical betrayed wife stance. In some cases it’s sadly true. Our finances from that period are testament to that. My husband was happy to say/ do what it took to keep it going. He learned quickly what impressed her and drew out cash like Monopoly money at one point from five different accounts so that if I looked at any one of them in isolation the ATM cash looked pretty normal.
He’d always been really good with money normally. I always left the finances to him and he relied on that too. That I would never bother to look. I’d check the credit card occasionally to see if things had gone through it a refund had been processed, but nothing else. It was like he’d gone completely insane. Even he can’t get his head round what he was thinking.

WTF All the best. I don't think cheats know or deserve empathy. Don't get why there's hundreds of comments.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you for your interesting insights, it is really helpful to hear your experience and take on things. I agree with a lot of the things you say although obviously every affair is different. As you said this is a NC support thread and reading your posts does bring me back to earth and the reality of things, how affairs are an illusion and will most likely not survive in the real world.

@StarLuna no worries. It’s the main I reason I post at all. What I’ve been through has to have some kind of a point for me. Other people’s viewpoints help me to give my own head a wobble on occasions, hard to hear though it sometimes is.
For me, it’s good to get different OW perspectives when you’ve been betrayed. It’s tempting to brand all OWs as wicked evil seducers who led my poor gullible husband on etc etc. It’s how you want them to be because it just feels better.
I prefer to judge the behaviour and not the person. Everyone can make a colossal mistake or even drop below their own moral standards. What always astonishes me on different threads is how similar so many of their situations sound, yet so many think that their situation is unique, that they’re not being led on, that he is actually a nice guy trapped in a bad marriage who does love me and if only we could be together one day but he’s nobly staying for the kids blah blah.... There’s none so blind as those who refuse to see.
Some affairs do last in the outside world, obviously, and every affair is different. They are certainly the minority though, and the Script and clichés don’t exist for nothing.

In eighty five percent of affairs- the cheating partners do not end up in a new relationship. Statistically there is around a one in ten chance of marriage between two affair partners. There is only a one in four chance that they will not be divorced within five years.
So basically the chances of being in a marriage with your affair partner and lasting beyond five years is about 3 to 4 percent. It,s almost certainly fantasy and delusion. And yet so painful to so many affected.

@Seadad I do know of a few marriages that seem to be successful despite starting as an affair. Who knows how happy they are though? What goes on behind closed doors 🤷‍♀️

@ginandcv yes - I know of one too! But both were childless before the affair...and as you say- who knows? Those are just the stats from the most recent years.
There is another thread at the moment about how naive and trusting most people are in relationships- and that far more believe that their partner would never stray than the number that actually don't stray.
I've said before that affair break ups are more like teenage break ups - and it's incredible how grown women and mothers are reduced to talking and thinking like adolescent girls when it comes to their affair relationship.

There is a view that the affair is often an attempt to return to adolescence in order to do things differently and revisit things you didn't know then but know now etc. They are as much about the person as about the marriage I think.

• more men never seem to leave adolescence so their thinking and behaviour in affairs surprises no one!

There is a view that the affair is often an attempt to return to adolescence in order to do things differently and revisit things you didn't know then but know now etc. They are as much about the person as about the marriage I think

very very true!

@Seadad

* more men never seem to leave adolescence so their thinking and behaviour in affairs surprises no one!

Plus there's the Peter Pan syndrome.

Some men seem to not notice their ageing face in the mirror yet they look at their wife and will notice how she's ageing. Then they may interact with women who remind them of how their wife used to be and are drawn to these women purely because they don't want to face the reality of their own ageing. It's very sad for all concerned.

Had a counselling session today. It went really well. My goal is to be able to move on from the guilt and shame that engulfs me daily. I feel disgusting.

The topic of confession came up and we discussed it. It was good to get it all out (to the counsellor) even though I just hated what I was saying.

I want this to be a cautionary tale to not have an affair. Don't be in limbo. It's fucking awful. Totally not worth it even thought I technically got away with it.

One question I wasn't able to answer is what it missing from my marriage. Nothing. Nada.

Anyway another session next week so that feels like a good start.

Glad it went well .Well done .

Interesting about what's missing from your marriage .Maybe nothing is missing ,maybe marriage can't be expected to meet 100% of an individuals wishes/hopes/needs .

Maybe we shouldn't expect it to .I'm not advocating affairs but being independent ,secure and satisfied in oneself . Seadad 's point - an affair may say something about the person ,not the marriage -is pertinent I think .

Not meaning to be sarky when I say "well done" .Counselling is a big step ,not easy to take .

Thankyou. It was weird looking back and reflecting. I've tried so much to move on and forget that it's like picking a scar.

@ginandcv Pleased the counselling went well. I hope it is beneficial to you and helps you to move on x

That sounds really hard @ginandcv. A tough day for you.
Please don’t feel disgusting. You are a human being, not perfect, nobody is, we’re all flawed. You show true remorse, you blame nobody else for your actions. You've gone to therapy to learn about yourself and thereby you are protecting yourself and your partner from any more pain. You’ve taken all the responsibility you possibly can. Short of ringing the ‘shame’ bell in the street, (you are carrying enough of that already, it’s time to put it down) you really can do no more. Please try to find some peace within yourself now. There is redemption. Allow yourself to feel it. Living your life honestly and well as you are, more than makes up for anything that happened.
This always resonates with me:
The past is history, the future a mystery. The present is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
Give yourself the gift of living in the present moment, it’s all we have. We can’t go back and change anything, tomorrow is never promised to any of us, all we have is right now. Live each moment well, knowing each moment you are doing the right thing in a loving way and trust me, none of us can do any better than that. Take care x

That is so kind. I really do appreciate it.

I post on these threads as a warning to others whilst risking the (understandable) outrage that anyone reading this may have.

The thought of the shame bell made me smile, so again thankyou.

I've really valued your insight and honesty in every post @ginandcv - and although you've made choices you would change, you've shown self awareness and integrity.

No problem, @ginandcv. X

@ginandcv very interesting what you say about what is missing in your relationship, as you I can’t see anything missing that’s why I feel so ashamed that I made such a horrible thing. I also need to start dealing with the guilt. So far I am very glad I made the decision to stop things, I feel so relieved not to have to be hiding or lying.
Thanks for all your comments, so very helpful!

@peridito - you are lovely, thank you x I’ve remained NC and monitored my wine intake this week! I feel calm. How’s you/everyone else doing?

@ginandcv I am pleased to hear that the counselling went well and that you are taking steps to address the guilt and shame for your behaviour.

You have shown bravery and honesty by posting about your experience here. I can see that you have learnt from this and are committed not only to avoid it but to protect others from doing the same.

Over three weeks NC and I am feeling so much better! How is everyone doing?

@ginandcv has your counsellor suggested telling your husband? I think every day you continue in your marriage with this huge lie is another day in which you are harming him. You do not have a real marriage there. It's a sham because it's based on lies. You're denying your husband the most basic right to know the truth and to decide what HE wants to do. It's unbelievably cruel