Ending Affair - NC Support

[StarLuna]

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment.

@Ruminating2020 it’s email contact. I don’t know what the point is, it might help if I did. It feels like he is my ‘what might have been’ - and when we meet (which has been twice over the past 3 years) I’m reminded of the life I had 20 years ago.

I’m happy because our children are just - unspeakably amazing.

@LighthouseCow Could you create a new account or just block his email address?
It's very unhealthy to stay stuck and not move one. What does his dw think?

I don’t know - he knows 2 email addresses for me. He has made up a new account and contacted me before when I didn’t reply. He is also not married. His DP left him not long after his DS was born. This was when he contacted me. They got back together about a year or so later.

@Ruminating2020

Are you committed to NC then? I think the stopping and starting really doesn't help. He is not being fair on you either.

@LighthouseCow

I’m happy because our children are just - unspeakably amazing.

I'm sure they are. And you are risking their emotional wellbeing by behaving the way you are, carrying on a sibling style relationship while secretly being in touch with your AP.

I never knew couples could properly have a laugh, be affectionate, be cheeky, have date nights etc when they had kids because all I thought grown up couples did was go to work, have children and get on 'ok.'

It took me years to unlearn those low expectations of what a healthy, happy and fulfilled couple looks like. And why an unhealthy , unhappy relationship built on lies is more damaging than being single.

You're having your cake and eating it too. The facade and self congratulatory 'ideal' family, with the pointless and selfish contact with AP over email throughout.

We had a good discussion upthread so please don't think I'm being goady but you're doing both your partner and kids a disservice if you think everyone is coming out of this unscathed to justify doing what you want.

@Headisgone

Im on day 5. Does anyone feel by falling in love with their ap the fell out of love with their dh? Im struggling with that too however bad my marriage was before i always loved my dh. Now i dont know how i feel. The affair lasted 5months due to covid we met up only about 15times. He essentially ended it with me as we are different nationalities andnthere is no way we can have a future and both be present (in the same country) as our young children growing up. At least thats what he said. And the grief was eating him up. Me and my dh have just ended marriage counselling where i was also told my husband is abusive. Its been a bad marriage for years but he has finally realised his behaviour and wants to make changes I feel trapped and desperately miss ap too.

I don't know about love, but attraction yes. Attraction is a funny thing though isn't it, because I'm more attracted to someone by mannerisms and confidence and how they make me feel. It's not just a face and a body. So the more friend zoned you get with your husband/partner, the less attractive they seem because they don't make you feel beautiful, sexy, desired etc. Anyone relate to that? Or is it just me?

@LoveIsAllThereIs
I was only mildly attracted to my EAP and he was more like a "gay best friend" to me at first, and that was the phrase he used when I went for a drink with him the first time. Now looking back, he said it to lower my defenses. I actually liked having a male friend and confidante, a bit like how I was before I got married, so I guess I was trying to recapture that part of my younger life. The EAP was not attractive at all appearance wise.

I never fell out of love with dh.

@ruminating2020
I guess that's the difference then, if you still have love, you still have a reason to end the affair

@borntohula Sometimes it is not complex. It should be all layed out if you truly want to make amendments. If he does not know the truth, it will feel like secrets are being kept and in my past relationships can lead to false accusations being made.

@Headisgone I had pretty much fallen out of love with my DH before I started my affair. Although I still love him dearly, I am not IN love with him nor do I fancy him.

He is aware of this, we have had many many conversations about it, I offered to divorce him if he wanted that. He wants to stay together for the companionship aspect and we have come to an arrangement which to some would seem odd but he is happy with it and so am I.
We are in fact getting along better than we have in many years. I am aware that that might change in time, but at present we are happy and communicating more than

As for the AP, it's been nearly two months since we last had contact, I can honestly say it does get better. I do still have days/nights where I miss him like crazy, but it's getting less. Although I still haven't seen him since the last contact so it will be interesting to see how I react then.

[quote Ineedaslap]@Headisgone I had pretty much fallen out of love with my DH before I started my affair. Although I still love him dearly, I am not IN love with him nor do I fancy him.

He is aware of this, we have had many many conversations about it, I offered to divorce him if he wanted that. He wants to stay together for the companionship aspect and we have come to an arrangement which to some would seem odd but he is happy with it and so am I.
We are in fact getting along better than we have in many years. I am aware that that might change in time, but at present we are happy and communicating more than

As for the AP, it's been nearly two months since we last had contact, I can honestly say it does get better. I do still have days/nights where I miss him like crazy, but it's getting less. Although I still haven't seen him since the last contact so it will be interesting to see how I react then.[/quote]
Why do you need to see him again? Do you work together?

@Ineedaslap
Whilst this arrangement works now, surely it won't work long term? You don't love him or fancy him. His self esteem will be rock bottom. You're both leading a platonic marriage. You know how it feels to feel IN love and in lust, but you're ignoring it. Is it due to kids? Is there a longterm plan to split?

@youvegottenminuteslynn We do yes. Luckily we don't have to see each other all the time but there is always the possibility we will do.

@LoveIsAllThereIs I don't know what will happen long term, we talk a lot and I have been totally open and honest with him. He is free to go and do what he wants, he knows this, he chooses not to. We have children but they are older one has left home already, the other probably won't be far behind.
We can't split at the moment due to money issues really, I think another year will sort it then maybe we can make a different decision. Meanwhile we keep on with a marriage that to the outside world looks perfect, only a few very close friends of mine know what is actually happening.
Should he want to split earlier then obviously I would do so of course I would.

I'm following this with admiration really, as I seem to be unable to even attempt NC. He pulls away, and I fight to keep it going. It's not really an affair anymore, it was, but my partner and I are in the process of separating. I'd lost my feelings before AP came on the scene, I guess it just made it clearer in my mind. The thought of losing AP feels like a loss of invested time and effort on my part. I'm making it worse by pushing and chasing, but I can't seem to stop. He's still interested, or so he says, but has backed right off for various reasons he lists off. I feel like I'm now one of his options instead of that person he was once really into. NC wouldn't really serve me at this point, as then I'd have neither of them. I wish I could just to regain some control and dignity.
I feel starting it as an affair has damaged what could have been a good relationship if I'd met him as a single person. A life lesson there.

Is that a bit of a sink cost fallacy though? That neither of them are any 'good' but anything is better than nothing?

Sounds like it'll be difficult to build a good long lasting relationship with the AP if he isn't able to meet your needs now.

@LoveIsAllThereIs

I'm following this with admiration really, as I seem to be unable to even attempt NC. He pulls away, and I fight to keep it going. It's not really an affair anymore, it was, but my partner and I are in the process of separating. I'd lost my feelings before AP came on the scene, I guess it just made it clearer in my mind. The thought of losing AP feels like a loss of invested time and effort on my part. I'm making it worse by pushing and chasing, but I can't seem to stop. He's still interested, or so he says, but has backed right off for various reasons he lists off. I feel like I'm now one of his options instead of that person he was once really into. NC wouldn't really serve me at this point, as then I'd have neither of them. I wish I could just to regain some control and dignity. I feel starting it as an affair has damaged what could have been a good relationship if I'd met him as a single person. A life lesson there.

@LoveIsAllThereIs You say NC wouldn't work because you'd have neither of them, but do you need either of them? Perhaps you need space and time to yourself to recover from AP if he has backed off. He has given you a reason to go NC. The pushing and chasing is toxic behaviour so do everything to distract yourself from this.

@ginandcv @ruminating2020
Very valid points. Sad as it is at the moment I feel like I need him to help me get through this, and have something to look forward to in life. I feel like he owes me that almost. If he'd have called it off I'd feel very different, but he hasn't. He just doesn't make me feel wanted or special anymore. All sorts of excuses, covid, guilt, mental health etc. He wants to pick things up again when I'm able to be with him completely, so at the moment we're off. I understand that viewpoint, but in between it's always me that initiates conversation and seeing him, so it doesn't feel like he misses me like I miss him.
The assumption seems to be we'll pick back up as we were but no secrets or time issues etc. If it works out like that it would be great. Ending up with neither is my worst nightmare, after reading all the dating threads.

@LoveIsAllThereIs Right, he does not get to dictate how you feel and you do not have to rely on him on making you feel anything. The situation sounds precarious and he sounds unreliable.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking a man will validate and complete you. Do not look to anyone for approval because you need to do that with yourself first. He doesn't respect you, so respect yourself and leave him be.

I know I am lucky to still be with my dh, but if dh had left me because of my behaviour, I would definitely not looked towards the EAP for solace. I would have been happier on my own. No mind games, no disrespect, just me learning what I can do to be a healthier person.

@Ruminating2020
What you have said is exactly correct. Precarious and unreliable are just the words to describe how it's been the whole time. When it's good it's amazing (or it was), but it's always been hot and cold. I just don't want to be lonely. I don't want to go through the upheaval of a separation to be on my own. I know how weak that sounds, and that actually being on my own is probably just what I do need. I worry I'll never meet anyone who I have that attraction and chemistry with (like we had). The thought of online dating feels like a headtwister of the highest order. Where else do you meet someone these days (my friends are all married, kids etc)

How do you learn to validate and approve yourself, after your whole adult life in partnerships?

Those who have gone NC, how do you do it when you find yourself in a weak moment, knowing contacting will feel better, just in that moment?

Honestly, I would read this and be so annoyed with the poster...yet here I am

Weak moments? Message a friend. I have 2 who know what happened.

I also think the implications of my actions in 10 minutes, 10 weeks, 10 months and 10 years.

How will I feel? What will change?

Contact prolongs the agony.

Mine ended over a year ago and I'm thinking about seeking more counselling. Not because I'm unhappy but the weight of guilt and shame is so powerful.

It does get better over time, and the affair was brief, but it still sits with me like a monkey on my back.

@ginandcv
The 10 mins, 10 months, 10 years is great advice for NC. If I wanted to end it to stay with my husband that would be so powerful, but we're already over. So that's half the problem, not enough incentive to go NC as I'm not trying to save a marriage (just my sanity!). I'm trying to save what I thought would be my new relationship. Karma is coming in here I'm sure.

The only thing with therapy in your situation is that it reflects you back to that place. Maybe mindfulness or coaching would help? One bringing you to the present. The other focussing forward instead of back?

@LoveIsAllThereIs Try listing all the things that you don't like about your AP. Maybe that might help.

Are you the one doing all the chasing then? In that case, I would simply delete his number and email from my phone and address book.

If he is, then I would block his number.

The thing that stopped me from contacting the other person was not having his new phone number and him repeatedly being horrible to me, telling me to "Just forget about me!" followed by hanging up abruptly when I told him I was with family and that it wasn't a good time to talk. I didn't bother trying to explain to him that I was also getting ready to travel to a funeral for the next day.

Knowing that the EAP really wasn't all that, helped me reduce contact and go no contact.

I know your situation may be a bit different but if you can see the AP in a bad light, then it "should" be easier to be indifferent about them.

I would recommend getting counselling of some kind. I had mine 14 years later after being triggered by an old email, followed by flashbacks, insomnia and heart palpitations.

The counsellor will listen without prejudice and will guide you to moving on, but you need to know what it is you want.