Ending Affair - NC Support

[StarLuna]

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment.

[quote LoveIsAllThereIs]@ginandcv do you really think there was nothing at all wrong in your marriage? Not even like taking each other for granted? Did you ever consider leaving for AP? How long did the affair last? Was he upset when it ended? No judgements here btw.[/quote]
The only thing that was 'wrong' was that I was arrogant. DH was a bit sedate. The AP offered excitement and flattery. It was a couple of months. Yes I thought briefly about leaving as AP was promising me the earth. I got carried away and thought we were the exception. We'd make it work against all odds.

I 'woke up' when I realised the reality. That life wouldn't look so good on a rainy Tuesday with AP

[quote LoveIsAllThereIs]@ginandcv do you really think there was nothing at all wrong in your marriage? Not even like taking each other for granted? Did you ever consider leaving for AP? How long did the affair last? Was he upset when it ended? No judgements here btw.[/quote]
And yes he was devastated. Used real emotional blackmail. He was signed off work. Threatened self harm. Grim.

I once worked with a GP who firmly believed that when an affair takes place, it's often caused by shortfalls in the primary relationship, and it's as much the fault of the uninvolved partner, as it is of the one who is actually involved in the affair itself.
'When a woman/man is not getting what is due to her/him at home, she/he will stray, and this includes Physical, Emotional, and Sexual needs' was his thoughts on the subject. He also had another theory regarding the primal urge to reproduce, and the increased percentage rate of relationship breakdowns post Male sterilization, with the former spouse seeking out a new partner to father her unborn children.

@SavannahLands That's really interesting. In my case I had told my husband that I wasn't happy a few months before, and why. He didn't do anything to change. So I guess mine would come under the not getting the emotional/sexual needs.

Add in to the pot that me and the AP had always been attracted to each other, but never did anything about it, then one night we did, and that has been that ever since. We shouldn't have started it, I know that but it was an itch that really needed to be scratched unfortunately. Like a powder keg waiting to go off.

@ginandcv did your dh ever suspect or asked you why you sought counselling?

And yes he was devastated. Used real emotional blackmail. He was signed off work. Threatened self harm. Grim.

I would be interested to know how APs usually take it as mine seem to up and up his game, in terms of emotional manipulation and boundaries crossing every time I broke it off.

I would disagree with the "affairs are mostly the fault of the primary relationship" argument. In fact I think it's bloody ridiculous. I think there are at LEAST two kinds of people who cheat. The first is a person who hasn't had their needs met from their relationship, possibly this is a pattern throughout their lives and they meet someone who bestows them with the kind of attention that is just too magical to resist. Which they don't.

Another type of person who cheat are people who believe they deserve to meet their own needs, irrespective of any harm to others. Their arrogance or narcissistic traits make them feel that they are due whatever it is they deem they want or need to be happy. I've known people like this, it can be quite shocking how easily they are able to justify selfish behaviour. This often leads to long affairs, or multiple affairs.

[quote Ruminating2020]@ginandcv did your dh ever suspect or asked you why you sought counselling?

And yes he was devastated. Used real emotional blackmail. He was signed off work. Threatened self harm. Grim.

I would be interested to know how APs usually take it as mine seem to up and up his game, in terms of emotional manipulation and boundaries crossing every time I broke it off.[/quote]
I think he thought I was too close to AP. He never asked. He was very dignified about me when I 'came back' and engaged in the relationship.

He thought counselling was for low mood (which was true) but never really asked. He just patiently supported me and things got better.

And yes AP did try to up his game before I broke it off. Obviously there's loads more to it, but it was so sordid. The sense of SHAME I felt/feel was severe. I never want to feel that darkness again.

@ginandcv I could be wrong but your dh may have an inkling that lines have been crossed but doesn't want to say for the same reasons why you don't want to confess.

I can certainly identify with the feeling of shame and guilt and also never wanting to be in such a dark place again.

Anyway, I am glad you are out of it and truly appreciating how wonderful your dh is.

[quote Ruminating2020]@ginandcv I could be wrong but your dh may have an inkling that lines have been crossed but doesn't want to say for the same reasons why you don't want to confess.

I can certainly identify with the feeling of shame and guilt and also never wanting to be in such a dark place again.

Anyway, I am glad you are out of it and truly appreciating how wonderful your dh is.[/quote]
Yes. That's what I thought, but it's in the past now. That period never gets brought up. Totally open with phones, passwords, bank accounts etc.

@ginandcv thank you for answering so honestly. I can relate with the sedate comment. How did you then go back to sedate and not feel like you were missing what you had discovered it could feel like (eg passion etc)?

[quote LoveIsAllThereIs]@ginandcv thank you for answering so honestly. I can relate with the sedate comment. How did you then go back to sedate and not feel like you were missing what you had discovered it could feel like (eg passion etc)?[/quote]
I recognised my part in not making an effort. We were sleeping separately for logistical reasons.

We spent time together and just took it slowly. This was pre pandemic so we went out to gigs, comedy nights and stuff.

My DH is very intelligent and AP wasn't. I was very aware that him being 'sedate' was actually him being himself. Calm, relaxed and honest. AP was just an illusion. He flattered me but there was no substance.

I spent time with DH really recognising what we had, and how well we get on.

He was never really sedate. That was just my narrative to justify what I did.

Day by day I built a better (?) marriage. Every day I was mindful of my behaviour and my expectations. My effort. My role in the marriage.

It just got better from there.

@ginandcv
I'm so pleased to hear this refreshing take on how it can work. My feeling is that most people who end the affair and stay don't ever reach that happiness. I think most just stay due to kids, fear, finances, guilt, obligation. I'm glad it worked for you

@SavannahLands that’s an interesting take. When I first met OM (not OM at the time) - we both discussed our life goals, we each wanted 3 children. I was struggling with fertility issues. I could sense this was the sticking point with OM, so I didn’t pursue the relationship - and met DP. DP was willing to try IVF, and now we have 2 children. OM became OM between my DD and DS. He has I child himself, but his DP wants no more. I do believe this whole mess created by me/OM is very much based on having children.

I’m sort of on day 2 NC, but I know I’ll continue this way. Perhaps better counting day 2 as the next day I have contact from him.

It’s never been expressed though, we don’t actually communicate that much at all. However he did ask me a few of years ago if I have regrets. I said there is no point, because it doesn’t change anything. I could say I have regrets, but I’ll still behave the same way and have the same regrets 5/10 years later. It doesn’t change anything. He said that reminded him of a Samuel Beckett play...

Im on day 5. Does anyone feel by falling in love with their ap the fell out of love with their dh? Im struggling with that too however bad my marriage was before i always loved my dh. Now i dont know how i feel. The affair lasted 5months due to covid we met up only about 15times. He essentially ended it with me as we are different nationalities andnthere is no way we can have a future and both be present (in the same country) as our young children growing up.
At least thats what he said. And the grief was eating him up.
Me and my dh have just ended marriage counselling where i was also told my husband is abusive. Its been a bad marriage for years but he has finally realised his behaviour and wants to make changes
I feel trapped and desperately miss ap too.

@headisgone I have never been honest with myself - or perhaps anyone about my feelings - or dismissed them as childish or stupid. And I don’t know why I have them. My instinct is that DP and I never felt strongly about each other, but we worked well on paper. From his side, I don’t feel particularly valued - he sees me very much as a traditional housewife, so all organising/housework/childcare is me - including when I’m working. He does help when asked, but it’s never proactive or forthcoming. I accept this now. And of course me not valuing DP means I’ve had an affair.

An affair brings out feelings of resentment for your primary partner- but at the root of it is that they are keeping you from your affair partner.
I think it s ironic that resentment about housework and child care and mental load then come to play a part, because that is exactly the drudgery that a fantasy escapism relationship with AP pretends does not exist! And almost always it turns out ghat the AP is even less able to be that kind of partner. They are either turning you inside out with emotional turmoil or emotionally exploiting your vulnerability. Its never a mature adult relationship- which is why they feel wonderful.

@Seadad that resentment was there before the affair started (feeling undervalued and solely in charge of mental load/housework etc) - then child/working added to that, I felt very depressed - and that’s when affair started. And after the affair began, I continued to do it all - but it felt more manageable. Probably because I knew I had an outlet elsewhere.

@Seadad

An affair brings out feelings of resentment for your primary partner- but at the root of it is that they are keeping you from your affair partner. I think it s ironic that resentment about housework and child care and mental load then come to play a part, because that is exactly the drudgery that a fantasy escapism relationship with AP pretends does not exist! And almost always it turns out ghat the AP is even less able to be that kind of partner. They are either turning you inside out with emotional turmoil or emotionally exploiting your vulnerability. Its never a mature adult relationship- which is why they feel wonderful.

Do they feel wonderful? It's not an adult relationship that's for sure. It doesn't feel like any sort of relationship - there is no open and honest communication and just playing mind games.

@Seadad that is an interesting point, I agree that being on an affair makes you see the things that you dislike/don’t like to much about the primary partner.

An affair is very unrealistic and in some cases when feelings develop reality hits making you see what the consequences of someone finding out or even leaving the primary partner can cause. The fall out, logistics, so many things that will need to work in the real wonder makes you wonder if it is worth going through it. Two people involved in an affair can love each other but if they eventually won’t be able to leave and be together then the point in continuing the affair does not exist.

In some cases feelings are not involved and the affair is maintained due to meeting physical and psychological needs with no intention to ever leave partners. I think it is important to also differentiate what is the main reason for continuing an affair as it might help find out why it is so hard to stop it.

I also got on better with DP after the affair. I’d say DP and I are like siblings - we love each other, but no intimacy. Our children are happy and thriving, so they are my day to day joy and focus.

@LighthouseCow I find it astonishing how you can still keep this going for so long. Is there really any reason why you keep in touch with the om? What are you doing to make a conscious effort to go no contact? If he is only contacting you by phone, then surely that should make it easier to go no contact?

It seems really draining and a waste of everyone's time. Does anybody else in rl know about this who can help you keep NC?

@LighthouseCow if you and your do are like siblings, then are you both happy to live like this for the rest of your lives?