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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending Affair - NC Support

294 replies

StarLuna · 09/03/2021 10:08

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment. Smile

OP posts:
Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 12:24

@youvegottenminuteslynn no - I didn’t say anything about spinning. I agree that I’m selfish.

Original poster
StarLuna · 12/03/2021 12:39

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment.

The issue with this is that it is useful to hear people tell you the harsh truth about the effects and consequences of your decision to have an affair.

Otherwise these threads tend to end up romanticising what could have been / empathising with the idea that you're the exceptions to the married or couples up man being a prick.

It's confirmation bias to the extreme.

The truth is that an affair a shitty and selfish decision that rarely ends well and if you don't stick to no contact you are doing something shitty and selfish.

It's more useful to be reminded of the consequences for your partner / their partner if they find out than it is to lament losing someone you deem the love of your life who is actually just a run of the mill dickhead who wants to have their cake and eat it too.

People just end up egging each other on to keep going over the affair and the 'good' moments (which aren't real life, they are escapism and fantasy in the vast, overwhelming majority of cases) instead of doing the right thing and moving on.

I totally agree with you, what I mean but not useful is when some people start abusing, we do need to hear the truth about how selfish affairs are, but there is sometimes a misconception that people think they can treat others like trash based on the fact they are having an affair.
OP posts:
Original poster
StarLuna · 12/03/2021 12:48

@Lighthousecow

I’ve been NC since Dec, and haven’t seen him for a year. However we’ve been in this situation for almost 20 years now. With prolonged NC periods, and then it starts up again. I never contact him, but I respond when he contacts me. This is what I need to stop - the responding.
I can imagine this is a very complex situation you have been in this vicious circle for so long so I am sure it becomes harder as time goes. I agree the best will be to cut the option of him contacting you, If you really want to end things then do it please! I understand you want to know how he is but he will be fine, you need to start thinking about yourself and your family.

It is very early days for me and I know it will be horrible before it starts to get better but I don’t want to carry on being selfish anymore.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 12:50

[quote Lighthousecow]@youvegottenminuteslynn no - I didn’t say anything about spinning. I agree that I’m selfish.[/quote]
Apologies I misread a post from someone else and thought you had said it.

Can you see that the kindest thing to him is to block him so he doesn't perpetuate the cycle of contact and neither do you?

If you genuinely want him to be ok then that is the best course of action. So if you aren't taking that course of action, your motivation isn't for him to be ok it's to know he is still available to you for attention / ego boost / escapism. Don't you want to be better than that behaviour?

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 14:29

@youvegottenminuteslynn no that’s ok! And I thank you again for posting. You are right and I need to hear it. I should block, I probably would for a while - and then I’d unblock again.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 14:32

@StarLuna perhaps we should update every so often, see how we are going. How many days NC are you?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 14:36

[quote Lighthousecow]@youvegottenminuteslynn no that’s ok! And I thank you again for posting. You are right and I need to hear it. I should block, I probably would for a while - and then I’d unblock again.[/quote]
You do realise you have full agency over your own behaviour? You keep saying stuff like that - that you know you'll cave / unblock / reply etc. So you either do that and continue being selfish and cruel to the partners involved, or you get some help to proactively stop engaging in cruel and shitty behaviour. Otherwise what's the plan? Keep being like this forever? What a way to waste years. Are there kids involved on either side?

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 15:09

@youvegottenminuteslynn to an extent, it doesn’t feel cruel. It has had a positive outcomes on all our lives. DP is secure and happy, I’m happy - and I feel it allowed OM to sort his live out to an extent. The fact that it’s fizzling out now is therefore a good thing?

Sakurami · 12/03/2021 15:45

@Lighthousecow I've never heard such bollocks self righteousness. 20 years you've been cheating - what a vile thing to do to your husband and if AP wants you, then you have fucked him over too. You haven't allowed either man to have a relationship with a woman who cares for only them.

At least own up to what a shit person you are and that in fact you don't love anyone but yourself - certainly not those men. You don't do what you do to someone you love.

Ruminating2020 · 12/03/2021 16:02

@Lighthousecow You say you never contact him but you will respond when he contacts you. No contact means he has no way of contacting you, so block him and stop making excuses about not knowing whether he is okay or not. His well being is not your responsibility.

Given that it's been going on for 20 years, I am guessing that you are in you 40s at least? You really do have to cut this person out of your life if you want an authentic life. You say it doesn't feel cruel but you are just rationalizing your actions so that you can continue.

It's cruel because it is harming others mental health and emotional well being which has long term effects.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 16:07

@Sakurami nope, I do love them both. I also don’t believe I’m a shit person. I’m also not sure how I’ve fucked them over - as we are all in a happier place now.

Ruminating2020 · 12/03/2021 16:12

If you genuinely love your AP, then let them go @Lighthousecow and let him get on with his life and you get on with yours. If you are all in a happier place now, then don't undo that by continuing contact.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 16:16

@Ruminating2020 20 years, but then years of no contact within that time. So - I’d say my mental health deteriorated when I had my first child. I sought medication, and was adjusting which is when he got in touch. He’d also had DS and his DP was leaving him. He was in a real mess, and I think we consoled each other. We were explicitly clear that neither of us wanted to impact our family situation. So I worked on my relationship with my DP, he with his - and we both made it work with our respective families.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 16:21

@Ruminating2020 I agree - that is the right thing to do.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 16:23

And TBH me/DP are happier/more settled than we’ve ever been. We rarely argue, we’re very supportive of each other.

MarshmallowAra · 12/03/2021 16:28

It has had a positive outcomes on all our lives. DP is secure and happy, I’m happy - and I feel it allowed OM to sort his live out to an extent.

Your Dp knows about the affair and is secure and happy?

Ruminating2020 · 12/03/2021 16:32

@Lighthousecow

And TBH me/DP are happier/more settled than we’ve ever been. We rarely argue, we’re very supportive of each other.
I am pleased to hear that. Your DP is your priority and deserves 100% loyalty from you. Please don't let an old flame come between you two.
Sakurami · 12/03/2021 16:35

@Lighthousecow that is pure BS. NOONE would be happy about their spouse having an affair for most of their marriage. You are so blinkered. Cheating, deceiving for 20 years and you pat yourself on the back. At least acknowledge what a deceiving vile person you are.

You have kids. Would you want your kids to be in a marriage with a cheat? Would you be oh so happy about what a wonderful person they were? Do your friends know? Does your family know? Dress it up how you want to make yourself able to sleep at night, but you are not a nice person and your actions towards those men are not in anyway loving. They are self serving and selfish and deplorable.

Forachange77 · 12/03/2021 16:40

@Lighthousecow

Did you start your relationship with an affair 20 years ago? Or were you in a relationship twenty years ago that was started up again after you were married?

thebestnamehere · 12/03/2021 16:46

Get a new phone number

Original poster
StarLuna · 12/03/2021 16:56

@Lighthousecow Sorry you are being called so many horrible things.... I will try and ignore that to an extent. I do agree you should this time try to make it work, block him and try to stay away from anything related to him, I understand you feel the affair has had a positive impact but the reality is that you are lying to your husband, family and friends.

For me it has only been a week but this time feels definite, I have also been on the circle of ending and starting again but I want to stick to the decision this time, for everyone’s sake. I hate all the lies and don’t like myself for doing this, I want to try and start making things right.

OP posts:
Forachange77 · 12/03/2021 17:31

I think a twenty year betrayal with absolutely no sign of self reflection or empathy is quite astonishing. I think it must be more to it than that? Twenty years of intermittent betrayal where you always respond to another man? I don't get it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2021 18:04

[quote Lighthousecow]@youvegottenminuteslynn to an extent, it doesn’t feel cruel. It has had a positive outcomes on all our lives. DP is secure and happy, I’m happy - and I feel it allowed OM to sort his live out to an extent. The fact that it’s fizzling out now is therefore a good thing?[/quote]
So your husband knows about the affair and that you would reply if the OM got in touch again? That isn't snark, it's a genuine question as it's a very unusual position to be in - to have a secure, happy spouse who knows they have been cheated on for a prolonged period of time and that their partner is still intermittently in touch with the AP...

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 18:22

@Forachange77 no - I’ve known OM for 20 years, DP for 15 years. I’m not married. I’d say intimacy stopped with DP when my DD was born, and then we had our second via IVF.

Lighthousecow · 12/03/2021 18:23

I’d say there were periods within that time where we didn’t contact for years.