Ending Affair - NC Support

[StarLuna]

I know there is a previous thread trying to do this but I wondered if we wanted to start again fresh. Safe space to provide support to those who have or are thinking to end affair and stick to it. Please if you have nothing useful to add do not comment.

The counsellor wouldn't give advice either way. She is able to listen and facilitate my decision making process. I have to figure this out for myself.

Why do you get to figure it out for yourself but your husband doesn't?

Do you think it's fair that he has to stay in a marriage that isn't what he thinks it is?

What you are doing to him is incredibly cruel and abusive.

Whatever I do now has to be with his best interests at heart. I am likely to tell him. If/when I do, it will be in the least harmful way I can.

Not telling him is an abuse of power and trust. You have already done the harm and every day that you continue to lie to him and allow him to live his one and only life as a lie just perpetuates that harm. You have no moral right to force him to continue under false pretences.

I don't disagree with you. There isn't more I can say at this point though.

I feel no guilt or remorse for my affair. The affair is gradually fading out as neither of us seems bothered to message the other one. I've not seen him for over several months now. I don't want to go into details why I haven't messaged him, it could be outting.
I will always wonder if he was the one that got away. To look at, we both really suit each other. I would have wanted a long affair but not sure he wanted that (he's single), for me it would have been with the aim to leave my H when the time was right (kids a bit older).
I am left feeling very sad over what could have been, but wasn't and probably never will be.

@ginandcv

I don't disagree with you. There isn't more I can say at this point though.

You sound genuinely remorseful @ginandcv. You sound like you want to make amends for your behaviour. However, you must consider the fact that there will be another person out there in the world who would not have subjected your husband to what you have subjected him to. Doesn't he deserve that chance to decide if he wants to find that person?

Yes maybe.

I don't really have a good answer to the questions being posed here tbh.

Ok so the nasty PMs have started. It's a shame as I'm not here for support. More to be a cautionary tale.

Anyhoo - I'll take a step back from posting for now because there's no point getting into a row, but y'know. I'm a person. A mother.

I have done a terrible thing, and I'm trying to sort my own shit out now. I really don't need a pile on.

@ginandcv I don't disagree with you. There isn't more I can say at this point though.

Not to me. You can to your husband though. And the 'good answer to the questions being posed' is that you tell him the truth and you do the minimally decent thing of allowing him to make a decision about his own life based on reality and truth, not an ongoing lie.

Sorry to hear that you have been receiving abusive PMs. Just to be totally clear on this, they are not from me. You should post them here and also report them to MN.

@ginandcv I think you have been brave posting here publicly about your experience and you are trying to process this with counselling. What happens to you and your marriage only you can decide.

I can also see that you are supporting those going through a similar thing here and encouraging no contact.

There is absolutely no justification for anyone to post abusive PMs to you. It's bullying and cowardly behaviour so report them to MNHQ.

Sure I could report to MN but my point was that I'm not flouncing off the thread; it's just detracting from other people who need support.

What I mean about saying anything else is just on this thread. Yes I need to talk to my husband. Yes I will but the implications are massive so as I say, I'm sorting myself out.

You absolutely should report and also name the person who has messaged you.

Ginandcv - telling him is better than him finding out, but it's possible that the best outcome is him never finding out at all, and maybe he won't. It's worth thinking about what you want the disclosure to achieve - if the affair is in the past, it might just be painful for your dp, to no benefit. But disclosure could also give you an opportunity to talk about your marriage and figure out a new way forwards - constructive stuff comes out of affairs as well as horrible things. People make mistakes. Shame is a human feeling, but all that matters is doing better next time. And don't beat yourself up over the idea that there was nothing missing from your marriage. Novelty is very compelling, and that's inevitably something that marriage misses - it's the compromise of monogamy, and it's hard work sometimes.

@ginandcv I’ll be honest with you, I think so far you have been quite brave in both posting here and how you’ve handled things. I am saying this as a husband who is living this scenario, my wife got friendly with a co-worker and the texts began and they grew “attached” professed how they felt for each other and now my wife is leaving our marriage to be with OM. She is acting totally crazy and I do not recognise her, to me she just doesn’t seem in a healthy state of mind so I get where your coming from about sorting yourself out first.

Look I love my wife and had she done things the way you have and told me eventually after sorting herself out and I could see she was trying to make us better and she was remorseful I would have found a way forward with her. I know this is massive and it does blow things up in your life, telling him will allow him to decide what’s next and hopefully with you both on the same page you will come out of it with a new stronger relationship. Good luck to you both.

@ginandcv Just wanted to say I am really sorry about the cruel DMs, as humans we are not perfect, we all make mistakes and you have helped so many people on this threads, I personally found your comments so helpful and helped me make the decision to end things. Whatever you decide is best for your marriage is what you should do, remember your are the one there in the relationship nobody else knows what is best for you and your husband or family. Lots of love x

@ginandcv - fwiw- I don’t agree that telling your husband is necessarily the best course of action.

He may suspect but if he hasn’t pushed it with you, I’d think very carefully before unloading on him.

A lot of people on these threads look at these things as some sort of modern day morality play which isn’t complete until the wayward spouse tearfully confesses. There is a bit more nuance to it.

Of course if he asks you should tell him.

What’s done is done - now you have to figure out the least harmful way of moving forward.

If you have cheated and your partner doesn't suspect a thing- then you might be able to avoid confessing without consequences.
But if your partner does suspect - and if you have just managed to avoid confrontation so far - then there is no way that your betrayed partner is not carrying huge anxiety, guilt, and internal mental torture. It's horrible and cruel to make a mug out of them twice.

Completely agree with AusFrosty's post above ^