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Original poster

DH and boundaries

208 replies

chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 18:40

DH reading self help books a lot recently. Asserting boundaries around wanting more sex (I knew he wanted this), more intimacy etc.

The problem is that there were often reasons why these things didn't flow in the way he would like.

My issue is that these books seem to be encouraging him down a route of asserting self and needs and boundaries and away from the work of trying to improve our actual relationship and communications etc to get both needs met.

To the point that if I now have any issue or anything to say it seems to promote a I don't want to talk/listen anymore. I judge on actions not words. A total shut down of conversation and the view that anything I have to say is hormonal on my part.

That we've said all we need to say and he is not interested in talking anymore. I'm trying to say I'm happy he has his boundaries etc but in a relationship surely you have to care what the other person thinks!

How to tackle this as to when I do it just looks to him as though I am struggling with him asserting his boundaries. Couldn't be further from the truth. I just want him to give a shit about mine too! He is midlife and under a lot of stress due to impending work situation.

Just to repeat - it's not the boundaries I have an issue with. It's the way it's all being done. I feel like I have no voice anymore and he just doesn't care. Today he actually refused to talk to me anymore after a blow up that I felt he caused.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 03/03/2021 19:07

So he is using these 'self help' books as a way to excuse his behaviour and make you out to be the bad guy for simply wanting YOUR needs to be respected.

Basically, he is a shit.
A manipulative shit.

Ou and fyi 'wanting more sex' is not a boundary. Nor is getting it a need.

He sounds a right wanker and youd be wise to read some self help books yourself on how to spot manipulative tits. And how to choose yourself over people who only care about themselves.

Wanderlusto · 03/03/2021 19:09

He doesnt have a problem with boundaries. He has a problem with YOUR boundaries.

Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 19:10

That's how I feel. But when I say that he says I just have an issue that he is no longer dancing to my tune. Fml.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/03/2021 19:12

Sounds like he's trying to find support for his position of "I want what I want and it's my right to be heard and I don't have to hear you"

Personally I wouldn't have the patience for this kind of bullshit. But I'd suggest the best counter to it would simply be to reflect it back at him. Start telling him his excess testosterone is what's wrong with him and you've said all you need to.

Was he very passive aggressive prior to this? If I was to be charitable, I'd say he's trying to become less PA and more assertive, which is a good thing, but he's swung a bit too far in the opposite direction.

Theunamedcat · 03/03/2021 19:14

So is he demanding sex when you don't want sex? Tell him its rape its not a boundary he is setting its something he can be arrested for

And dont blow up at him persist in the word no flat toned no

Wanderlusto · 03/03/2021 19:18

Typical manipulation, gets you on the merrygoround where everything has to come back to his needs.

You say 'I feel this way' and they imply/say 'you have no right to feel this way, what about the way you make ME feel?' and so your needs are never met because you're having to try so desperately to prove to them you care about them.

It's a trap.
A trick.
And - he knows what he is doing.

Your needs matter. Your feelings are valid. He however, is incapable of hearing them.

It is completely pointless to tell a lion that's chewing on your leg, that it is chewing on your leg. It knows and it intends to.

You cannot talk him into having empathy and respect for you. He has it or he doesnt and his actions show that he doesn't.

Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 19:18

Yes definitely passive aggressive and now trying to assert himself. But it's just all wrong and definitely too far in the other direction. It's like perspective has been lost and the more I try and point it out the more it looks as though I'm railing against it as I'm the problem.

It's more than sex. It's intimacy in his eyes. I'm just trying to say that he needs to listen to me too. It's not one sided. But it's like he's totally stopped listening. Only read the sections that talk about boundaries and getting what you want. Making someone feel shit won't increase the likelihood of having a fulfilling relationship

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 03/03/2021 19:19

What is he suggesting?
That you let him have sex when ever he wants?
That you remove your boundary for his?

How does he really think this is going to go, that you bow down to his demands or divorce his arse.🤔 cause I know which way I would be going.

Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 19:21

The kind of stuff he is reading is that kind of be real about what you feel and the people who aren't right for you will fall away type of stuff.

Which has its place but fuck me surely you also need to consider your role and perspectives when in a relationship!

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 03/03/2021 19:21

I dont get where "boundaries' come into it op? (At least, his). Wanting more intimacy and sex has nothing to do with boundaries.

It just sounds like control that he is trying to dress up so that you can't question it without being made to feel in the wrong.

Hawkins001 · 03/03/2021 19:22

What books is he getting the information from ?

Wanderlusto · 03/03/2021 19:24

@chipsandfizz

The kind of stuff he is reading is that kind of be real about what you feel and the people who aren't right for you will fall away type of stuff.

Which has its place but fuck me surely you also need to consider your role and perspectives when in a relationship!

So basically 'deal with my bullshit or I'm off' manipulation.

I'd pack his bag for him.
It works both ways, partners are supposed to hear eachother and care for eachother and be respectful. Why would I want to stay with a man who refuses to resolve things with me, shuts me out and only talks about his needs? That's not a partnership, its prison.

wandawombat · 03/03/2021 19:25

I think I'd be falling away...

Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 19:25

It's being referred to as a boundary in his eyes as he has talked about what he needs in our relationship (he definitely has) my issue is that I agree with him to an extent. I have neglected that and for a while. But not for the reasons he thinks. He now sees it as him having explicitly telling me what he wants/needs and me not doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 19:27

No more mr nice guy and similar Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/03/2021 19:27

I guess I would tell him he can't just demand what he wants and expect you to comply so what does he want in that case?

Eddielzzard · 03/03/2021 19:28

Deeply unattractive. He sounds like a toddler making demands, not an adult being respectful and kind. Ask him which approach does he think will have more impact?

Ruminating2020 · 03/03/2021 19:29

Boundaries as I understand them is about letting others know how you want to be treated by protecting and respecting yourself first.

Wanting more sex has nothing to do with boundaries. Is he getting the word control mixed up with boundaries?

Giving the silent treatment is asserting control and emotionally abusive behaviour.

Wanderlusto · 03/03/2021 19:30

I don't think I'd want to shag a preachy gobshite either xD

Sex is a mutual act for mutual pleasure so if one person isnt feeling it then it shouldnt happen. No one owes anyone sex. And intimacy...isnt intimacy if it is fake or forced either, its lip service. You dont have to put up and shut up. You've told him what YOU need too in order for sex and intimacy to reform and he isn't willing to meet those needs so why would things change?

4Mongrels · 03/03/2021 19:33

So essentially he's saying that he's entitled to assert himself and voice his opinion but you're not? Fuck that!

Singlenotsingle · 03/03/2021 19:34

Just because he tells you what his wants/needs are doesn't make it your duty to fulfill them regardless. You're not going to agree on this any time soon. I would just say no, and he'll have to decide what he wants to do. Stay or go, his choice.

Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 19:35

He says he has tried to meet my needs. Nothing changes. He has I suppose, in his defence. But it's this kind of shit that I mean. This was triggered by me asking him for some positive affection today. It's as though he has decided that I need to make all the effort as I have accepted I need to make more effort?

Complete communication issues. He feels he makes more effort than me. But I feel as though he just doesn't "see" me. There is a disconnect. When we have an issue it's huge and dealt with terribly and he never sees to accept any responsibility for anything.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/03/2021 19:37

Um, what happens when you assert your boundaries. Not to have sex with him when you don’t wish to? Not to be intimate with him when he’s upset you?

Two can play that game,, right?

HollowTalk · 03/03/2021 19:37

Are there really self help books which promote not listening to your partner? He must be really cherrypicking the chapters he's reading.

He doesn't sound nice, OP. In fact he sounds as though he's going down the incel route and that's really scary.

Wanderlusto · 03/03/2021 19:40

You likely feel he doesn't see you because he doesn't see you. Sometimes the obvious reason (the one we try so hard not to believe) is all there is to it.

You're like a computer, useful and there when he needs you...but a pain in the arse of you need any kind of service. Selfish people show you who they are. Believe them

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