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Original poster

DH and boundaries

208 replies

chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 18:40

DH reading self help books a lot recently. Asserting boundaries around wanting more sex (I knew he wanted this), more intimacy etc.

The problem is that there were often reasons why these things didn't flow in the way he would like.

My issue is that these books seem to be encouraging him down a route of asserting self and needs and boundaries and away from the work of trying to improve our actual relationship and communications etc to get both needs met.

To the point that if I now have any issue or anything to say it seems to promote a I don't want to talk/listen anymore. I judge on actions not words. A total shut down of conversation and the view that anything I have to say is hormonal on my part.

That we've said all we need to say and he is not interested in talking anymore. I'm trying to say I'm happy he has his boundaries etc but in a relationship surely you have to care what the other person thinks!

How to tackle this as to when I do it just looks to him as though I am struggling with him asserting his boundaries. Couldn't be further from the truth. I just want him to give a shit about mine too! He is midlife and under a lot of stress due to impending work situation.

Just to repeat - it's not the boundaries I have an issue with. It's the way it's all being done. I feel like I have no voice anymore and he just doesn't care. Today he actually refused to talk to me anymore after a blow up that I felt he caused.

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 22:58

I think he's reading Reddit. Two of the books he has read recently are on some fucking reading list?! Also abbreviated in the same way that he did.

Also being told actions not words seems to be some fucking mantra on red pill shite.

Honest. This is batshit.

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 22:59

I am constantly being told actions not words Angry

OP posts:
Leafpile · 03/03/2021 23:00

Do you actually want to stay with him?

It sounds like he is choosing "self help" books that confirm what he already believes, rather than genuinely trying to improve his understanding of himself and his relationships. Do you know what specific books he's reading? It's such a broad category, and now that basically anyone can self-publish a book, there's a lot of very toxic stuff out there.

Ruminating2020 · 03/03/2021 23:00

@chipsandfizz

I think he's reading Reddit. Two of the books he has read recently are on some fucking reading list?! Also abbreviated in the same way that he did.

Also being told actions not words seems to be some fucking mantra on red pill shite.

Honest. This is batshit.

Sounds like he's been brainwashed.
Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 23:01

Yes he's read:

Practical female psychology
No more mr nice guy.....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/03/2021 23:04

Why are you engaging with this shit ?

Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 23:05

The way of the superior man.....:

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 23:06

Fuck knows. I'm fuming now.

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 03/03/2021 23:10

@chipsandfizz

Yes he's read:

Practical female psychology
No more mr nice guy.....

I've just looked up on Amazon the first book and even the cover makes me [vomit] - not envy. Written by a man trying to explain the female psyche and "typical signs" of female sexual arousal including giggling and blushing. I've only seen a snippet but I can't believe your h has fallen for this bile!

No mention of boundaries in either books, more to do with demanding what they want.

totallyoutnumbered · 03/03/2021 23:12

Oh wow. This is so familiar and uncomfortable. My ex devoted his Instagram page to memes about crap like this. Made himself look a complete tit quite frankly. Not helpful I know. What do you think you're going to do? I feel for you. I really do. He's showing you who he is (or who at least thinks he wants to be) xx

partyatthepalace · 03/03/2021 23:14

OP he really doesn’t sound like a good human being.

I know separating is hard, but is this really what you want for yourself? If you had a friend in this position what would you say to her?

harknesswitch · 03/03/2021 23:15

There is nothing wrong with boundaries in a relationship, boundaries can be there to ensure that you know exactly what you will, and won't, put up with in a relationship. If he's saying lack of sex is a deal breaker then it's a deal breaker for him.

But he can't use boundaries to get his own way, you can't tell someone that your boundaries mean you should be giving him more sex, that's just called controlling behaviour.

I think it's more a case of that he doesn't like YOUR boundaries. If your boundary is that you don't simply give him more sex, and he needs to help you in the department and also talk, then that's your boundary.

In all honestly he's using this word 'boundaries' and his self help books to tell you what he wants, tell rather than discuss. He doesn't want to talk it through? He's not interested in your thoughts or feelings, he just wants you to comply.

You need to work out if this is a deal breaker FOR YOU

totallyoutnumbered · 03/03/2021 23:17

Jesus Christ OP, I've just read the blurb on the way of the superior man. It makes your teeth itch quite frankly and your vagina clamp shut!

Namenic · 03/03/2021 23:18

Turning up the tv instead of talking is an action he does which shows that he does not want to try and solve the problem. Engaging in relationship counselling (not just attending) might show he is committed. Perhaps if you try and work on something that is important to him, then he would agree to try it? (Then both people have something to work on)

harknesswitch · 03/03/2021 23:22

Write him a post it note and stick it on his forehead

I have new boundaries too 'unless I'm heard and you discuss this like an adult my legs will stay firmly closed'

FolkyFoxFace · 03/03/2021 23:26

@chipsandfizz

I think he's reading Reddit. Two of the books he has read recently are on some fucking reading list?! Also abbreviated in the same way that he did.

Also being told actions not words seems to be some fucking mantra on red pill shite.

Honest. This is batshit.

It's good that you've found out, because now you know what you're dealing with. It's not nice and he's not nice if he's fallen for this kind of rhetoric.

Honestly, OP, I'd be asking him to leave in your shoes, not waiting for him to do it again to teach you a lesson. These kind of rabbit holes are disturbing, and aside from that what kind of man willingly goes along with it?

You can do so much better.

mycatisgivingyouthefinger · 03/03/2021 23:26

Oh Christ just give him what he thinks he wants and leave. He'll regret it the silly bastard, but you'll be a million times happier. Bloody idiot doesn't realise what he's about to lose.

Leafpile · 03/03/2021 23:28

It honestly sounds like he is being radicalised into the manosphere via reddit, in which case i would just leave. It's so fucking toxic.

Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 23:29

I agree that he is right to want a more intimate relationship.

My issue had been in this new way of relating to me. On reflection this has been building for a while. I have seen it as a complete unwillingness to relate to me. Thanks so much for pointing out this red pill shite. This is where it's coming from. The tactics as to how to relate to me.

Fuck him and fuck the red pill. What a load of shit. He can take "game" and shove it up his arse. Manipulative shite.

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 23:30

I had no idea this even existed till now.,

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 23:30

I thought he was going mad. Even said to him I thought he wasn't well.

OP posts:
FolkyFoxFace · 03/03/2021 23:33

@chipsandfizz

I agree that he is right to want a more intimate relationship.

My issue had been in this new way of relating to me. On reflection this has been building for a while. I have seen it as a complete unwillingness to relate to me. Thanks so much for pointing out this red pill shite. This is where it's coming from. The tactics as to how to relate to me.

Fuck him and fuck the red pill. What a load of shit. He can take "game" and shove it up his arse. Manipulative shite.

Keep that attitude! You've found your anger - channel it into doing whatever you think is best. Take this as proof to yourself that him and his "boundaries" nonsense is nothing but manipulation tactics. Utterly crap and see through ones! What an idiot he is.

He sound great, OP. Self reflective and aware. A million miles from the hormonal crazy woman he's trying to paint you as.

FolkyFoxFace · 03/03/2021 23:33

*You sound

Not him! He sounds like a dick 😂

Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 23:33

A while ago I saw something he liked and bought it. Just on a whim. Little favourite food treat kind of thing. Told him I'd got it. "Why, have I been a good boy" said sarcastically. I was thinking WTF. How can you turn something like that into a shot gesture.

It's all making sense now.

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandfizz · 03/03/2021 23:35

@FolkyFoxFace

*You sound

Not him! He sounds like a dick 😂

Thankyou. I'm very grateful you opened my eyes to this.

I'm sure I'll feel like shit again soon but cannot believe I am feeling crap as a result of something as toxic as this. How bloody stupid can he possible be to believe it Angry

OP posts:
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