DH and boundaries

[chipsandfizz]

DH reading self help books a lot recently. Asserting boundaries around wanting more sex (I knew he wanted this), more intimacy etc.

The problem is that there were often reasons why these things didn't flow in the way he would like.

My issue is that these books seem to be encouraging him down a route of asserting self and needs and boundaries and away from the work of trying to improve our actual relationship and communications etc to get both needs met.

To the point that if I now have any issue or anything to say it seems to promote a I don't want to talk/listen anymore. I judge on actions not words. A total shut down of conversation and the view that anything I have to say is hormonal on my part.

That we've said all we need to say and he is not interested in talking anymore. I'm trying to say I'm happy he has his boundaries etc but in a relationship surely you have to care what the other person thinks!

How to tackle this as to when I do it just looks to him as though I am struggling with him asserting his boundaries. Couldn't be further from the truth. I just want him to give a shit about mine too! He is midlife and under a lot of stress due to impending work situation.

Just to repeat - it's not the boundaries I have an issue with. It's the way it's all being done. I feel like I have no voice anymore and he just doesn't care. Today he actually refused to talk to me anymore after a blow up that I felt he caused.

How long have you been married, do you have kids, if so how old?

It seems like an awful lot of hard work, really don't think I could be bothered to stay in a relationship that was so exhausting and transactional.

Yes married and kids. Long marriage.

@Wanderlusto

So he is using these 'self help' books as a way to excuse his behaviour and make you out to be the bad guy for simply wanting YOUR needs to be respected.

Basically, he is a shit.
A manipulative shit.

Ou and fyi 'wanting more sex' is not a boundary. Nor is getting it a need.

He sounds a right wanker and youd be wise to read some self help books yourself on how to spot manipulative tits. And how to choose yourself over people who only care about themselves.

This sums it up.

I'd set up my own boundary between me and him.

This is driving his frustration as he says his needs haven't been met for years. That's why I'm not jumping to LTB territory as I know he wants more intimacy (not just sex) but I have things I want to improve to help our relationship. He says he has done it to no avail. But I don't agree. Now it's just you are never happy. You know what I need and want. It's up to you.

I feel that attitude is creating the problems. Almost helping him to not get what he says he wants!

Agree with what PP have said. He is violating your boundaries in browbeating you to dance to the beat of his tune, he is giving no room for YOUR feelings. Also projecting his stress/situation at work on to you, gaining a sense of control through treating you this way when he doesn’t otherwise because of what’s going on.

Can you try simplifying your response down to ‘It makes me feel x way when you say that, I don’t like it/it’s hurting me’ I learnt to ‘own’ how I felt in responding to shit like this in my therapy. In purposely not pointing out how unreasonable x, y behaviour is from them (sticking to how it makes you feel), it disarms them & prevents them from getting on the defensive. You’re literally just stating a fact. Cool, calm and collected. Fuck how it makes him feel, YOU are entitled to feel upset about this and not tolerate it.

In the meantime before it’s sank in with him : you do not get to have sex with me, you do not get to regurgitate your views/armchair psychology to me.
I am hurt and drained because of what you said, I’m walking away now, I need space to protect myself and MY boundaries Etc.

He does not sound self-aware, therefore he is unable to take in what you are pointing out even though it’s true, he sounds like a self entitled dickhead atm.

The kind of stuff he is reading is that kind of be real about what you feel and the people who aren't right for you will fall away type of stuff.

This is true. And it's also healthy. But he has to be prepared to lose you if he feels you're not right for him. He can't force you to behave a certain way. That's not what it means.

Maybe go to counselling. It sounds like you both feel you are trying, but it’s not enough for the other. He can’t just say that he has tried and that therefore it is ok. You can say the same thing to him. How much each person tries is not easy to measure nor helpful (as it will just end up in one-upmanship). So I think maybe marriage counselling may help?

I think he is actually happy to lose me. He has left a few times over the past year. After an argument. But then come back when we talk. But doesn't seem to accept my view on things.

I think he just wants to go and the refusal to even talk shows where he is at.

@chipsandfizz

I think he is actually happy to lose me. He has left a few times over the past year. After an argument. But then come back when we talk. But doesn't seem to accept my view on things.

I think he just wants to go and the refusal to even talk shows where he is at.

Yes, he is re-writing history to make you the bad guy, too. I'd not let that bother me a jot and end the relationship.

@chipsandfizz

I think he is actually happy to lose me. He has left a few times over the past year. After an argument. But then come back when we talk. But doesn't seem to accept my view on things.

I think he just wants to go and the refusal to even talk shows where he is at.

Then let him go. And this time don't let him back.

He probably goes in order to punish you for trying to work things out rather than just putting up and shutting up. Then he comes back when he thinks his training might have worked on you.

If he wanted to leave then he would leave and not come back.

What he actually wants is for things to stay as they are (otherwise theres no reason he would not want to talk things through) but for him to have even more control and more of his 'needs' met whilst you put aside your needs completely.

I bet when he comes back there's lots of sex too.

There's a name for it in psychology - hysterical bonding - usually after infidelity.

@Wanderlusto

He doesnt have a problem with boundaries. He has a problem with YOUR boundaries.

This, in spades.

I would change the locks on his way out tbh

He does say things like well just leave me then.

Fucker.

Let him leave then, and don’t accept him back this time

Then he can find someone else to share his boundaries

Literally just tried to talk. Went like shit. Didn't really get to speak. Keeps saying he doesn't want to. But I just don't get how the fuck we move in from this? How can I want to show affection to a man who gives no fucks?! He says his behaviour hasn't changed from the last time he left. He came back. I made an effort to make things better. He is being consistent and it's me who is withdrawing. I said exactly! I make the effort. It isn't maintainable alone on a regular basis. I get frustrated that I don't see the effort from him but he sees it as me withdrawing again. I'm happy enough then but not always? But that's it. I don't agree the requirement is on me and he takes me willing to make the first move as me accepting it's my fault. Where I see it as willing to look at my own faults and then expecting him to do the same.

Said he's not interested in talking. I said we need to.

So I said how do things get better? He said they don't and told me to leave him alone while pointing to the door.

Call his bluff. Get your ducks in a row.

Nah, he's the one who needs to walk through the door. Fuck that. See a solicitor, apply to divorce, then tell him, 'The only thing we need to talk about how is how we divorce.'

What kind of self help books is he reading exactly?! His takeout sounds extremely misogynistic (did he seriously call you hormonal and shut down a conversation?) If what he’s reading is mainstream, then he’s interpreting it like a toddler - he thinks his needs should be met, with no thought that your boundaries and needs might conflict - how does he expect to move forward if he won’t talk, try to understand and compromise?

Right now I think the main thing is to stand up to him and hold your boundaries. He’s trying to bully you and until he changes the way he communicates it’s important not to give way, because it will teach him that bullying works.

After that it sounds like the only thing that might help is couples therapy. But I am not sure you will be able to get far with him so I would also be thinking ahead to how best to end the relationship if it comes to that. Judging by his behaviour now, he would be extremely aggressive should it come to a split so you would be wise to get ahead of that.

Wanting more sex isn't a boundary.

But in all seriousness it sounds like he's just making demands on you. Do you actually love him and want to be with him? What are the positives on the marriage?

What's his mental health like?