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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband snappy

409 replies

bunny85 · 01/03/2021 15:36

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

OP posts:
OverweightPidgeon · 01/03/2021 15:41

What is it that you can’t do that he’s asking you to?
Sounds as if he’s pulling his weight round the house though.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 01/03/2021 15:42

So he works 6 days out of 7, still does housework and you have a cleaner , you are at home all day every day... and you're complaining? I'd be snappy if I was him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2021 15:45

I think he's pulling his weight and I'm normally much more hard on men with SAHM wives than the average.

The snappiness is interesting though. Is it new, like post lockdown?

Alexandernevermind · 01/03/2021 15:47

He is pulling his weight around the house. If you are a SAHM and he works full time, your full time job is kids and house? It sounds as though he does quite a lot. Does he think he does too much? (Not saying he does, but that might be why he is snappy). My DH does about 60 hours per (farm plus own business) I work probably 40 hours. Apart from the lawn, occasional food prep and DIY he doesn't do anything else at all in the home. We have a cleaner once a week.

Alexandernevermind · 01/03/2021 15:52

BTW, if you ever ltb chuck him my way ;-)

EL8888 · 01/03/2021 15:52

It sounds to me like he does enough, as he works and you don’t plus you have a cleaner. One thing l would say is could he cook the odd time, just to mix things up. I know l get bored of thinking of what to cook all the time

again2020 · 01/03/2021 15:53

I think he does his fair share around the house...more than a lot of men I see on threads like this and my partner
I know it's difficult being at home with small children with a partner who is very busy with work though. Maybe things will improve when you can go out more with the kids? Softplay, to see family and similar.

FATEdestiny · 01/03/2021 15:54

Just as you're tired and could probably do with a rest, so could he.

There isn't an answer really, life as a parent is hard work and at times you just have to power through and have each other's backs whenever one of you is experiencing a wobble.

If you can afford home help and childcare, do that.

Tittyfilarious · 01/03/2021 15:55

He does alot considering the amount he works and you are at SAHM, I'm SAHM and I do everything around the house always have even when I had 2 small children because my husband works long shifts in a physical job and when he's home he needs to rest. He would help with anything if I asked him though, I just didn't because I could see he was shattered after work and I managed fine without him whilst he worked . I think your husband is bloody knackered and that's why he's snappy.

dottiedaisee · 01/03/2021 15:59

He definitely is pulling his weight around the home and you are lucky to have a cleaner as well! Does he get time to relax at weekend even just for a run,bike ride etc . If not, maybe that is why he is snappy. I hope it gets better.

imalmostthere · 01/03/2021 16:01

He's absolutely pulling his weight. Working long hours full time, plus what you said, Is much more than most blokes on these threads!

Snowymcsnowsony · 01/03/2021 16:03

Does he have staff in his job? Maybe ask him nicely to leave his professional manner at the door...
He sounds like he pulls his weight at home though op.
.

Whitney168 · 01/03/2021 16:05

Seriously? I'm not surprised the poor man is snappy ... !

Original poster
bunny85 · 01/03/2021 16:07

Thank you everyone. Yes he does have staff at work, it definitely looks like he's bringing it home sometimes...
It's relatively new, we used to have amazing relationship. I don't know why he's like that, I always feel like I annoy him lately. He's under extreme pressure and stress at work (he has his own business and under staffed at the moment). Thank you for the replies, a lot to think about...maybe he's a bit pissed off that I think he's not doing enough around the house and moan a lot...I don't know. I honestly didn't expect these replies, I thought I'd be told he should be pulling his weight more. Could it be that he's snappy because of my attitude

OP posts:
imalmostthere · 01/03/2021 16:15

Honestly op? Yes it could be due to your attitude. Do you often tell him he doesn't do enough? He works 6 days a week, and contributes a lot given that. I would be snappy if my DH kept saying I didn't do enough

pinkyredrose · 01/03/2021 16:17

OP how do you spend your days?

imalmostthere · 01/03/2021 16:18

From your op, the only thing he doesn't do is cook. You have a cleaner so deep cleaning isn't an issue. He's at work 6 days a week, so other than cooking, and hanging out washing/dishwasher - he's doing everything else on the weekend, as you say in your op "so you can rest". The more I read it, the more I'm sure this has something to do with why he's miserable.

HollowTalk · 01/03/2021 16:21

maybe he's a bit pissed off that I think he's not doing enough around the house and moan a lot

Yeah I imagine he's more than a bit pissed off about that.

So he works 6 days per week. He also seems to do half of the housework.

If you dump him, he'll find someone the next day who treats him a lot better than you do.

Dayafterday · 01/03/2021 16:25

I think it seems like he does a lot especially as he is hands on with the children. I thought that before I saw the other replies too.

sunnyzweibrucken · 01/03/2021 16:25

honestly, compared to many of the partners described on this forum, i'd say he's doing more than his share.

so i understand if he's being snippy with you if you are nagging him about pulling his weight. I have to side with the man on this one.

Slackarse · 01/03/2021 16:26

I’d be pissed off at you if I were him to be honest. You need to step up.

Lochmorlich · 01/03/2021 16:29

Op, dc are tiring and long working hours are tiring.
On top of this your dh knows that 3 people depend on him to keep your home afloat financially.
That's a massive stress during a pandemic.

Probably when dh gets in you're eager to tell him how exhausted you are and pass dc over.
I was the same.
Perhaps try to give him 30 minutes to wind down.
And see if your dh can give you a few hours once a week to get a break.

Original poster
bunny85 · 01/03/2021 16:44

To answer some questions. During the day I deal with the online classes in the morning, then put little one for nap, make dinner in advance, lunch for them, put the washing on, then we go out to the park etc or we go before the nap and I take lunch with us. Then we do homework. I don't do bathtimes as my back hurts a lot.

When schools were open I used to do the pick ups and feed him and do the homework. Also swimming and all the other activities are on me, it's quite stressful to be honest with the baby in tow.

I also do all the life admin. Online shopping, all bookings, all to do with school and anyway pretty much everything. I don't know, I don't really laze around, not that it's possible with two little children anyway.

Yes that's true when he comes in I tell him if I'm tired or had a bad day, equally I ask about his day and listen and try to help if I can.

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 01/03/2021 16:52

Who does bath time with the kids?

pheonixrebirth · 01/03/2021 16:53

And you say you moan at him, can I ask what you are moaning about?

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