husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

Well done OP for having a chat and clearing the air?

Now I would practice just not moaning if you can, be very aware of it.

We all moan a bit but some people it is their go to, and that is not good.
Just be very aware of it.

Then you can legitimately focus totally on HIS tone and ask him not to speak to YOU in that way if it happens.

It is well within your right to point out calmly that you are NOT his staff and you won't be spoken to as such.

There is no suggestion the op's DH is taken for granted. What, because she isn't falling over herself to big him up for putting the bins out and parenting his own children??
Honestly, people's standards are way too low.

Wow.

Someone called me a princess and a hard work and I must admit a few people in the past have jokingly said the same things to me, my husband included.

I thought at this point OP had genuinely done some self reflecting and was on the path to taking responsibility. Then...

However....thinking about it all, it's his fault for turning me into one!

Blaming another adult for her behaviour.

He was the one to say on multiple occasions that I don't have to work if I don't want to

So he gave you the freedom to choose. You CHOSE not to work.

and he gave me his credit card to spend freely. I didn't ask for it!

So he gave you the freedom to spend freely. You CHOSE to do so. Nothing wrong with that but your assertion that he's somehow made you make the choices you have is ridiculous. Just because you didn't ask for the freedom to make certain choices doesn't mean the choices you make arent your responsibility!

You sound very entitled and immature, this is the sort of thing a teenager would say - "well you said I could spend my pocket money how I wanted so it's your fault I spent it all and now don't have any left".

If you don't like being a SAHM to the point you begrudge not having a quiet coffee in the mornings then go back to work at least part time for the sake of your mental health. Isn't that the answer?

Can you not see at all that you're being entitled and immature?

You have got to be kidding here. Its his fault your a princess? How about taking responsibility for your OWN behaviour? Your attitude has everything to do with your situation so I would suggest pulling your head out of the sand. Perhaps if you didn't whinge so much at him and behave like an entitled little madam he wouldn't be so snappy with you. He does a good share of the personal responsibilities and YABVU. And you threatening to leave - what a nasty piece of work you are. Your poor husband. A word of advice - take a long hard look at yourself and the way you treat those you apparently love, you shouldn't like what you see and need to get a grip of yourself. Jesus wept.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Wow.

Someone called me a princess and a hard work and I must admit a few people in the past have jokingly said the same things to me, my husband included.

I thought at this point OP had genuinely done some self reflecting and was on the path to taking responsibility. Then...

However....thinking about it all, it's his fault for turning me into one!

Blaming another adult for her behaviour.

He was the one to say on multiple occasions that I don't have to work if I don't want to

So he gave you the freedom to choose. You CHOSE not to work.

and he gave me his credit card to spend freely. I didn't ask for it!

So he gave you the freedom to spend freely. You CHOSE to do so. Nothing wrong with that but your assertion that he's somehow made you make the choices you have is ridiculous. Just because you didn't ask for the freedom to make certain choices doesn't mean the choices you make arent your responsibility!

You sound very entitled and immature, this is the sort of thing a teenager would say - "well you said I could spend my pocket money how I wanted so it's your fault I spent it all and now don't have any left".

If you don't like being a SAHM to the point you begrudge not having a quiet coffee in the mornings then go back to work at least part time for the sake of your mental health. Isn't that the answer?

Can you not see at all that you're being entitled and immature?

This ^with bells on.

Can I just say that I competent and utterly disagree with what's being said??? I don't take him for granted- I always go on about how wonderful he is and it's always a song and dance around him, what more can I possibly do? What about me, who's going to show me some admiration? All we talk during the dinner time is him him him, how was his day, how he's feeling, what's going on in his life. What more can I do to appreciate?? Also I'm not demanding anything from him- asking to unload the dishwasher once in a blue moon, omg! All I'm asking for is be bloody nice, talk normally, friendly! I get it he's tired, I'm being supportive, what more can I do to bend backwards to please him? What about me, I need some attention too. Anyway never mind. I've done a lot of self reflection as suggested and I'm going to change my attitude, I'm just not sure exactly how to, I've just called him at work and said how amazing he is and how I love him and want to support him, hopefully this can be a good step in the right direction. I asked what I can do to help him generally and he said and I quote "don't worry darling, you are doing more than enough, just look after yourself" which goes to prove that he doesn't share your views about me. I don't think I'm the problem here, all he needs to do is lighten up and stop bringing his work habits home.

You have given some lip service to having thought about it but a few lines in you blow that apart and continue to blame your husband. You need to take done responsibility and do some proper reflection. It’s obvious from this thread that lots of people would love to be in your shoes. You’re coming across as spoilt and immature

Surely this can’t be real?!? I would be more than snappy in his position. He’s your husband, not your carer. If you being a SAHM doesn’t mean you’ll actually sort out the running of the house, then you should get a job and earn some money instead.

He gets irritated if I can't find something or did something wrong and I don't like or better put it I hate when he talks to me this way and I made it very clear to him!

What is it that you can't find or did wrong exactly?

It says nowhere that he is being aggressive - just that he is expressing irritation with you. That in itself is not lashing out - if you have lost something or did something wrong then that can be frustrating to a partner.

Still we don't know what these things are - but I hazard a guess the things he is annoyed at your for involve the basic household management which is your side of things.

I also suspected the OP would not address the questions about going back to work to help her mental health.

I also am not buying how grateful you actually are, because you came on here complaining about the hard task of taking the kids to the park, or stacking/unstacking a dishwasher several times a day.

Are you grateful OP or do you say you're grateful because you know that's what you're supposed to say?

Also blaming your partner for you being a Princess is really childish & immature. If he took away the credit card & said he would prefer you both contribute equally with finances I suspect you wouldn't like that option.

And your most recent thread is very me me me me me me

And claiming he turned you into a princess—you just seem to be full of excuses and lack any ownership for your life. You need to step up

Maybe he's fed up of feeling like having to be your responsible adult instead of just the kids eh

Sorry to be blunt but your taking the piss

I get the feeling nothing that anyone says your taking in anyway because your blaming your dh.
Take responsibility for yourself.

He probably feels he can't do anymore yet your still whining at him.

You sound like a pain in the ass.

Get back out to work and pay for childcare because you don't sound very happy at home.

Being a sahp is a luxury very few can afford these days. That is if it's seen as a luxury to spend time watching your own children grow up.

Even your parents tell you you behave like a princess so clearly everyone here had the right idea.

Get your head out of your arse and be responsible for your own happiness

Just read your update.

Yes change your whining and attitude sounds good
Oh and accept responsibility for your own adult self not try on others to make you happy

I always go on about how wonderful he is and it's always a song and dance around him, what more can I possibly do? What about me, who's going to show me some admiration?

What do you want admiration for exactly? It really sounds like your self esteem has taken a battering with SAHP & actually getting back out into the workforce may provide you with what you feel is lacking in your life.

Kind of like a princess you want to be revered & admired - but for what? Is it you want him to acknowledge the clean house, nice dinners, well dressed & mannered children? Does he never acknowledge these things?

You say he replied saying Don't worry darling you do enough, just look after yourself - is that not recognition & admiration?

You seem resentful that talk at dinner is about your husband - but isn't that the way SAHP life is? The person who has been out all day chatting about their day could just be a more interesting topic than "unstacked dishwasher 3 times, did 2 loads of laundry, paid some bills" - it sounds like you feel your life is boring & resenting him for having more to talk about in his life ?

Is it not possible you could turn the topic of conversation around at dinner to something about your day, or a news topic you're interested in? etc? It sounds like you resent the fuss about your husband but it isn't yet clear if he is the one intentionally dominating the dinner table talk.

I'll keep an eye out for your next thread asking for advice on a husband who wants a divorce. Yikes.

Op you should not need admiration for what you do, it's family life you get on with it as best you can. With each update you make you come across as more entitled and selfish

What a nasty thing to say. My husband is very happy and doesn't want a divorce. He's just too stressed at work and brings it home which is what my original question was about.

You lecture me on being nasty? Refer back to you threatening to leave every time he doesn't empty the dishwasher or that your husband has made you into an entitled princess. You sound like a bored SAHM who needs to go back to work - care to address those comments?

I never said that I threat to leave every single time over the dishwasher that's a pure lie! I said to him after asking him a hundred times to stop talking to me in a way I strongly dislike that if he doesn't change that we'll have to call it a day! Nowhere did I mention it was because of the house chores!

maybe he's a bit pissed off that I think he's not doing enough around the house and moan a lot...I don't know. I honestly didn't expect these replies, I thought I'd be told he should be pulling his weight more. Could it be that he's snappy because of my attitude

You asked this in an earlier post.

You admitted you moan a lot and that you thought he's not pulling his weight - and that you thought most people would agree with that.

You asked if his snappiness could be down to your attitude.

You've been told that he is pulling his weight (doesn't mean he should get a fanfare for that, just that he absolutely is doing his fair share on top of 6 days of stressful job each week as well as the weight of being the sole breadwinner) that no, most people don't agree with you that he should do more and that yes, it's staggeringly likely that your attitude would make anyone snappy in these circumstances.

If you aren't open to any of that then why bother asking?

Hello brick wall - nice talking to you. I'm out!

I'm very open to constructive criticism and am taking everything on board. Presently I'm just reflecting and trying to come up with practical solutions to this, I'm very grateful for the advices, I mean it, honestly. I'll start making little steps from today

@bunny85

I'm very open to constructive criticism and am taking everything on board. Presently I'm just reflecting and trying to come up with practical solutions to this, I'm very grateful for the advices, I mean it, honestly. I'll start making little steps from today

I mean, you aren't taking it on board at all because your take home was this: I don't think I'm the problem here, all he needs to do is lighten up and stop bringing his work habits home.

Not your fault, "all" he needs to do is change on his side...

Good luck.

You have got a total panning on here OP. I don't get it.

@bunny85

I never said that I threat to leave every single time over the dishwasher that's a pure lie! I said to him after asking him a hundred times to stop talking to me in a way I strongly dislike that if he doesn't change that we'll have to call it a day! Nowhere did I mention it was because of the house chores!

That's not true op - you said in your original post, as well as him being snappy, that you don't think he does enough and listed the things he does. Later on, in another reply, you say you aren't sure and it may be an abusive relationship.

You DID ask if he does enough, despite backtracking and claiming that's not what the post is about. You asked if he's snappy due to your attitude. Why ask these things, if you don't accept what people are gonna to say?

You cannot blame your husband for making you a princess. Even when you start to take responsibility for your actions, you 180 and blame him, again. It all comes across as incredibly me, me and me. I don't think it's doing you any favours op, and I would step away from the thread at this point. I hope you work it out.