husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

@someonelockthefridgealready (love the nickname) I don't take it close to heart at all- nobody can change my opinion of myself, let along people who never met me, I know I'm wonderful and deserve the best.

How lovely that you lived in Russia, you made me homesick a bit (even though UK is one of the best places on earth). Yes I have realised the cultural differences are very pronounced and evidently Russian women have very different upbringing compared to English women. We are raised to believe we are queens you see, well certainly I was and all my friends too. If I wanted a star from the sky my dad would get it for me (he still would, now!), I suppose it's a bit of Veruca Salt style Only joking. However the result is such that Russian women grow up to believe they are stunning and this in itself makes them stunning. It also makes men believe it too. Of course one's personality is so much more than self esteem and other things come into play which are just as important, but since we are discussing this particular subject, this is why I'm only mentioning this quality right now. Certainly their marriages do break up as well due to those other factors which we are now leaving out of discussion. But in a nutshell yes I did notice that lots of my British friends do indeed have quite low self esteem despite being amazing, beautiful women. The reason behind I can not tell, but just something I definitely noticed in the past.

I mean... I’ve RTFT and I kind of respect OP in some way?! I do think there are cultural differences in the U.K. and Russia. I think there’s no point in me echoing the many posters who have said that your husband does enough and that you need to make sure you appreciate that and not moan at him. Frankly as long as you really do make sure that you are being kind, loving and appreciative to him then you do you... I can’t begrudge you the way you see yourself.

Hi Op,

I completely understand the tiredness you are feeling looking after 2 small children in lockdown. Although a real privilege to be at home with them it can also be a thankless and relentless drudge.

When I read about your DH, you paint him as very hands on with the children and very much aware of not taking you for granted so you get a break, and hoovering and mopping to do his domestic part in the load on top of providing financial stability for you all.

It sounds like you would like him to do some cooking every now and again which I think is reasonable on a weekend night. You could make it your date night. Or you could even cook together.

I must admit to feeling envious of what he does and think you have a good egg. I hope you give him a squeeze and tell him you feel lucky to have him, he sounds amazing. Perhaps then he will stop having the miseries.

He could be snappy because of you. You stay at home, hes working and helping out at home, and you are still complaining! Jeez

My DH says to me anytime I have a little negative emotion in my voice. Don't talk to me like that or don't take that tone with me or even don't yell at me when I'm holding my ground and yes, my voice is frustrated but not yelling. It can very much be a way to shut someone down, ditto with the threats to leave. Just because he's saying you don't need to do more doesn't mean that's what he actually thinks. I've given up with DH because he has made it far too damaging for me to ever try and get him to do a fair share. Because he shuts me down and gaslights, because he makes me feel worthless. But I can't imagine him thinking it was OK to leave me alone for 20 minutes with an upset child because he has his reasons for not wanting to carry up a water bottle. That's not even about him, it's about your child. And to then be angry he was snappy. That along with you saying it's his fault you don't more, if you were a woman posting your DH side you would have been told to LTB by a lot of posters. It's not OK to treat him the way you do.

@bunny85

sounds like you need to work full time and kids need to go to the nursery/ school.

Being SAHM is the hardest job ever....

I mean look at the posts above...from other women as well...'he works 60 hours a week' excuse me?! and you slavering with all the house chores + childcare is that not 60 h work per week? LOL

My husband and I work full time and LO goes to the nursery. And he has no excuse not to do half of the house work. end of discussion.

honestly just start working so you get your life back. good luck! x

I think you have the makings of a bloody brilliant book with British women as the target readership. If you are looking for a new project and some more meaning...I would read it!

@Dominikaa thank you, valid point. I've been considering it.

@tellmetogoofflamaMNaddict (presuming it's not a sarcastic post) isn't it interesting how some people here say that I'm a horrible spoilt princess and others suggest I write an inspirational book for women. Thank you! It's very flattering, honestly. And the most unbelievable thing is that being a writer has been something I've wanted to do all my life! Unfortunately my education and profession couldn't be further from this field... (long story why- parents gave me a 'nudge' in this direction). Anyway, I'd love to write a book, the only problem being I'm not as fluent in English as I'd like to be. I'd happily write a book in Russian, maybe it'd be so popular it will be translated in English? But I strongly suspect it won't be, simply because 9 out of 10 women in Russia think exactly like me and will be rolling their eyes at my book saying 'tell us something we don't know!'

It wasn't sarcastic. There are books about, for example, French parenting styles for British women. Why not a self-help book about self esteem written by a Russian woman? I was thinking about it as I was falling asleep last night. Could take the perspective of maybe interviews with British women and your perspective maybe. Or life rules. I think you would need some more interaction with British women for research though.
I think you sound lovely but it is very unusual for us to encounter women who are nice and caring AND have high self worth. British culture is very self deprecating and "putting your head above the parapet" is a mortal sin. I think your book would be particularly interesting as your self worth isn't derived from just one area (eg your looks).

I do agree with others that your husband is a keeper and you have maybe been a little spoilt but it is to your credit that you took all of this on the chin. I guess taking criticism is easier if you have self worth too

I think your English is great. I had no idea you were not a native speaker and if there are any mistakes that is what editors are for.

BTW. I am making a list of things I like about myself now :-)

You absolutely made my day! What could be a better thing to read first thing in the morning (especially for a praise loving spoilt person ). It's even better than an undisturbed cup of coffee ! I love that you made a list, that's the way! You sound so lovely too, I have no doubt in my mind that the list will be veeeery long.

I actually don't mind being criticised at all. I think it can be an excellent tool that can be used for self improvement. Not always, of course- some of the criticism is damaging and it goes into one of my ears and out the other. But on the whole I don't mind. Either way, and even if a thousand people tell me I'm horrible, I'll just shrug and get on with my day

And yes I'm already dreaming about that book. I can call it 'What makes me a prize' haha. No, maybe 'What makes us a prize'. I don't know, I need an editor already

Happy to help! I hope you write that book! Either way, I think making some British friends would be beneficial for you.

I was thinking of something about Russian dolls (beautiful with lots of layers)

I have a lot of British friends, I tend to make friends everywhere I go. What I meant was that I don't have very close British friends... they are close enough, but not close for a daily whatsapp chats about nothing, which is what I do with my Russian friends (been friends since nursery, for 30 years, and still chat almost every day). To them I can open up and tell literally anything. I probably wouldn't feel as comfortable with the British ones and perhaps posting here and seeing the responses reinforced it... I won't be understood... I'd love to have at least one very close British friend though because I think British ladies are fantastic and I admire them for many different things.

As for the book I'll ask my mum today what she thinks of the idea (she's my life couchin a nice way). I'm sure she'll support, she mentioned this to me in the past.

If I do end up writing it, you are getting a first free copy @tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict

Great!
Intercultural education and communication is so important. Look forward to reading your book

for you. Have a lovely day

Best part of this thread is that (unless it's a wind-up) I am pretty sure I know who this person is!

@DaphneBridgerton even better then, since I'm going to become famous soon anyway

@bunny85 Either way, I loved reading this thread. I think you should keep being you... don't let anybody tell you what SHOULD make you happy/satisfied in your own life. But also it's good to have some different perspectives isn't it? Do you feel differently now?

Yes absolutely. Even though unfortunately the problem remains (with my husband), I enjoyed chatting on this thread. As you say, some different perspective and a bit of fun.

Working 6 days a week is a lot. He's understaffed at the moment but in future is it possible for him to cut back? Deligate more? At 6 days a week, even 5 days a week, the husband in a lot of situations would not be doing much housework. Maybe taking the kids to the bath, playing with them, or putting & bed to give the mum a longer rest at the end of the day, or maybe cook meals every now and again, but not other housework on top of that. He probably feels like his work never ends.

Maybe you're both feeling a bit frazzled and need to feel appreciated.

@EarthSight

Working 6 days a week is a lot. He's understaffed at the moment but in future is it possible for him to cut back? Deligate more? At 6 days a week, even 5 days a week, the husband in a lot of situations would not be doing much housework. Maybe taking the kids to the bath, playing with them, or putting & bed to give the mum a longer rest at the end of the day, or maybe cook meals every now and again, but not other housework on top of that. He probably feels like his work never ends.

Maybe you're both feeling a bit frazzled and need to feel appreciated.

Yes, he does all of the above but the cooking. He hates it apparently... I find it unfair as I do lots of things that I hate but I still have to do them🤷🏻‍♀️. Work wise, he managed to find more staff which is helping. Not possible to make it 5 days yet though, much as we'd both like it. I try not to confront him lately and just let him be while I'm trying to come up with a strategy. I just really don't know what to do, I should try and talk to him but he's absolutely rubbish at communicating. Something has definitely shifted between us but I can't exactly put my finger on it. He even seems to be depressed a bit, which he'd never admit. I think the lockdown plays a big role here as well, he hasn't been able to play football or socialise with his friends for a long time