husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

My DH is working 12 hours a day from home 6 days a week and he manages a team of 60. I expect him to:

1. make our bed on Sundays
2. Take the bins out on Sundays
3. Bring me a cup of tea in the morning when he brings himself one
4. That’s it.

I don’t have a cleaner.

I have a family.

We snap at each other because whilst we do love each other very much, we are sick of the sight of each other. 11 months of 24/7 - it’s worse than MAFS. We know it’s temporary and we don’t mean it really.

OP when you LTB and have to cope as a single mother you are in for a mighty shock.

If the roles were reversed here and you were working and doing everything your husband does when he gets home there would be a hell of a lot of the following-

LTB

What else does he add to your life.

He's taking the piss

He's financially abusing you

Etc, etc, etc

Okay, so if you leave him you’ll be doing everything in your home, paying for anything you can’t do yourself like DIY, and you’ll have to get a job. Does that sound better?

@bunny85

Why is it a wind up? What is it that he does that's so outstanding? Baths the baby when he comes from work and not even every single day (we bath every other day). Ok he puts him to sleep, thank you very much, but he's his child also! And having 2 of them we are dealing with them one each. The other one also wants a bedtime story etc

He doesn't do anything outstanding op but he does enough on top of him working alot. Many parents do everything you've mentioned on their own with no help at all. You asked in your first post about him being snappy and other posters have said why they think that is and have told you he is doing enough but you come across as if you don't think he does enough.

Some of the replies are pretty harsh! Since when did looking after a baby and a reception-aged child, and all the mental load and physical stuff that goes with it, become so easy?! OP isn't sitting on her arse doing nothing all day! Especially right now with home schooling.

Sharing parent responsibilities and household chores should be equal when both of you are at home. I don't think a father is a hero for eg doing bath times or playing with the kids at weekends. He's their dad, it's part of the role.

However, OP it does sound like he's pulling his weight though, don't think you've got much reason to think he's not.

As for the snappiness with you - prob tiredness from the combination of work and having two small children. He might have valid reasons for being pissed off, so talk to him. But snapping isn't on - even if something is bothering him that's not the way he should be communicating with you. If he's got something on his mind he needs to talk to you about it properly and civilly. If there's nothing really behind it except general tiredness, I'd just say to him it's not on for him to take it out on you, he needs to be an adult and discuss things properly.

He's tired because life is busy

You are tired because life is busy

Such is life as a parent. Be kind to each other.

He works, you look after the home life. You split downtime fairly.

Did you want two children? I’m confused as to why you’d have planned a second if online shopping, playing, walks in the park and laundry are so very stressful.

At the risk of sounding mean, how do you think other parents manage life?

I think some of these replies are rather nasty.

It is probably true that what the OP describes as her husband's contribution to the domestic scene is over and above what many husbands do within the home. However, I'm not sure that's a criteria to judge this by. I've heard of many husbands who do virtually nothing at home even when their wives work full time in tiring and responsible jobs.

In truth, I think it's probably difficult to make an assessment without actually being the husband or the wife.

The OP says she is feeling very upset so I think a little more sensitivity should be shown, even if some people feel she should be happy with her lot.

It's just life as a parent - I really don't know what more you want him to do. In what way is it possibly an abusive relationship?! Being a sahm isnt easy, but your day isn't any different than most others! You're fortunate you don't have to work on top of that too.
If you are really struggling that much, can he stay home and you work? With only one day off a week and arriving home late, I really don't know what more can be done. I don't think anyone is being harsh at all, I just don't think you realise that what you've described isn't terrible. If you are as miserable as you say then leave? But honestly, I think his unhappiness is probably centred around the fact he's exhausted, and you're never happy with what he does. What have you threatened to leave him over exactly? I mean, that's also probably another factor in to why he's miserable - you threatening to leave that he's not done enough. Kindly op, I'd be gone. You sound depressed to be honest - have you looked into speaking to someone?

What is it that he snaps at you because you can’t do it ?

• snaps at you for

Have you asked him if there's something bothering him or something you can help with, since he's a bit stressed.

My DH gets snappy too when he's under a lot of pressure at work. I hate it but he usually stops once I let him know he's being snappy. I don't think he always realises because he's so consumed by what's stressing him at work (recently a full department transformation with everyone reapplying for their jobs). Talk to him.

Wow - is he free @bunny85 he sounds helpful bearing in mind he has a full time job and also works Sat..... with everything he is doing he is probably a bit tired.

So you have a cleaner for the cleaning and he

"he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!)"

So after you take out the cleaner doing the cleaning and him doing these jobs it sounds like you have time to spend with your children and resting time etc..... hold onto him

But if you split up, OP, you wouldn't have any help at all on the days when the children are with you. You'd have far less money and wouldn't have anyone to chat to in the evening.

You're both tired and resentful, I understand that, but it does sound as though you've got a decent husband and if I were you I'd hang on to him.

It's very depressing living with someone who's moaning all the time and it also keeps you in a bad mood if you're complaining such a lot.

I would not like to live with someone who talks to me rudely, however much they do around the house. And it doesn't sound he does LOADS, but enough considering the hours he is working and the cleaner that you have.

I think every time he takes a tone with you, wait until you are alone and say bluntly "stop taking a rude tone with me". Also have a chat if you haven't yet, just a nice one like you would with a friend, check if he's ok, say he seems a bit off. But I wouldn't go on if he doesn't talk about it, some people need a little space to think and they will come back and tell you later - you will know already if your husband is like that.

Threatening to leave when you don’t mean it is really horrible and would make a lot of people snappy. If it’s because you don’t think he’s doing things he doesn’t have time to do it blackmail and really damaging.

With all due respect you sound like a bit of a princess and quite hard work. The day you described is no different to any other SAH parent. With the luxury of a cleaner to boot and a husband who does bath and bedtime and takes the kids to give you a break!

He’s doing all the financial burden and mucking in at home. I think you absolutely could do dinner for him when he gets in. If you want him to cook ask him to do it on his day off and leave the bins to you or something? Just shuffle jobs.

Sounds like he could do with more support at the moment.

I'd be snapping at you too. Bloody hell. I was sahm with 2 kids and I did all the housework, shopping, everything you do and cooked all the meals too because ex worked full time. It was not hard. Also not as hard as being out at work all day.
You have it easy and I bet he is really pissed off at your attitude, never mind LTB, if you don't watch it he will become really resentful and may end up leaving you.

Don’t you think everyone is snappy at the moment ? Life is not normal.sounds like he has a lot on his plate .
My husband did not do as much as yours does,
But I worked part time and looked after the children so that was the deal at the time .

I just think it’s the pressure of life tbh .

@VeganCow

I'd be snapping at you too. Bloody hell. I was sahm with 2 kids and I did all the housework, shopping, everything you do and cooked all the meals too because ex worked full time. It was not hard. Also not as hard as being out at work all day. You have it easy and I bet he is really pissed off at your attitude, never mind LTB, if you don't watch it he will become really resentful and may end up leaving you.

See when I was a SAHM I didn't do everything and going to work isn't harder. However, in this case the DH seems to do a fair bit and a cleaner is lovely.

I don't like the idea that when someone male works full time with a child, they do less than they would if they were single. I've worked and had to clean, cook and look after my children. I've never understood why having a penis appears to mean a full time job leaves you incapacitated.

In this case it sounds fair. But this idea that being a SAHM makes you a house elf is weird. Both DH and I work full time in stressful jobs. We both also do housework and parent.

ofcourse you wouldnt leave, how could you possibly fund your life? He would get 50/50 as he does alot anyway. You would have to get a job an work. Instead of bleating on about popping off to the park, making tea for the night whilst your cleaner sorts out your house. You sound like a nightmare. Oh and poor you not being able to do bath time as your back hurts.

I think its shit for both of you OP. You because you've got children of different ages, 1 year olds need constant attention and the pandemic has made trying to entertain little children indoors so hard. And you have home schooling. And you're ok your own long hours 6 out of 7 days. That sounds exhausting. But it's also exhausting working long hours and working Saturdays as well. I've been working Saturdays recently and you just never feel you get a mental break from work. Its shit for him as well. I think a reasonable way to see if it is 'fair' is measuring leisure time. If you are still running around doing house stuff in the evening because you've been too busy with the kids in the day and he is sitting watching tv while you tidy for a couple of hours, or if he has hobby time at the weekend and you don't get any time off from the kids then thats not fair. If you both collapse on the sofa at roughly the same time every night then he is contributing enough. Hopefully it will get a bit easier when your baby is a bit more self sufficient and your oldest is back at school

OP, that’s what being a SAHM is— and what most men tend to expect if you aren’t out earning money and they work long hours. personally It’s not for me so I worked— maybe if you hate days like this , then go back to work and let the little one go to nursery .

Life is hard with little ones, they're not babies for long time goes so quickly. Maybe you need to lower your expectations your husband's probably tired of your moaning after 6 day's working.
Bathroom and hoovering doesn't need doing every day. Plus you have a cleaner, if you're finding it so hard and you can afford it have the cleaner work more, so your other half can have a break on his day off