husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

Gosh focus is all on the wrong thing. Focus on the fact that you're not happy and probably he isn't too, rather than on competitive tiredness or who does what.
Sounds really like a communication issue which is not surprising, given how much energy you have left
What it says in the how to talk book about spending time and reconnecting applies just add much to your relationship with your partner as it does with your kids.
You need to express how you both feel in a problem solving way rather than a blaming or sniping way, and listen to each others side.
Yes it's hard and maybe you can use some counselling to help you focus on the right place.
Good luck.

OP,
If he is being snappy, working a 6 day week and doing a very fair amount and you are threatening to leave, do not be surprised if the idea you have planted becomes appealing.
Don't threaten something that you don't want. It WILL bite you on the arse.

You are both doing your best.

Don't start complaining the minute he comes in the door, it really is one of the worst things for anyone just arriving home.

You have listed a lot of good things about him.

Try praising him for what he does and hopefully that will spark a change in him.

You could suggest ye start over, both of you.

Something has to change because the dynamic is not good as it is.

Agree with MrsTerryPratchett it's not harder working; I'm working and a single parent and find the parenting waaay harder than the work, which feels like bliss compared to weeks (months, during lockdown) alone with the kids.

I don't want to sound horrible but I think he's doing enough! DO you show him that you appreciate his help,can't speak for anyone else but I'd be happy to get that level of help x

@bunny85

Yes I've threatened him that I'll leave but it all results in a huge argument and I never end up actually leaving and he says I'm trying to manipulate him

You're having a laugh ! I can't believe you honestly think you're getting the shitty end of the stick. He earns all the money ( enough to let you employ a cleaner) stressful any time but even more so in the current circumstances, does at least 50% of the housework, a fair bit of the child care, and you think he's abusive???? Get a bloody grip, or he'll be the one waving and you'll have to do it all yourself - that'll be a shock

What you've described you do is the life of a SAHM, he sounds like he does enough and I'm not surprised he is snappy with you.
You are lucky he pays for a cleaner too (what a luxury!)
You need to work together as a team not a case of it's your turn to do this & that.
I am usually a working mum (and still do all the jobs you've listed minus the daily trips to the park) but because of COVID I am suddenly a SAHM and life is pretty easy.
My DH is gone 5/6am gets in at 5/6pm am I about to start making him do jobs when he gets home? No way, he is working 6 days a week to pay all our bills and no pressure on me to get another job.

Be a little more grateful and show him you appreciate him, he may be kinder back.

Oh Bunny you sound tired and like you need a good day off. So does your husband.
Unfortunately, none of that is possible at the moment. But I think you have to remind yourself that this too shall pass and your 1 year old will become more self sufficient and walks in the parks when they are a bit older will become a fun thing.
Home schooling and having a 1 year old at home while doing all that must not be much fun. But good news - you only have a few more days and then next week it is back to normal, right?!
Maybe check in with us next week and see how you feel.

My husband gets snappy when he is tired, under work pressure and feels like I am unhappy because then he feels like he isn’t making me happy.

As for the work load - well, I have 2 kids and my husband never once changed a nappy, has never done bathtime, has cooked maybe a handful of times in our 11 years of marriage. He does empty the bin and empty the dishwasher, 2 tasks that I absolutely hate and I am GRATEFUL for that. He has never done a load of laundry in his life.

When my daughter was 1 the only break I had was if I packed a little bag for him, got her ready and said - go walk around the park - and he would be back in 30 minutes with a full nappy!

They are 7 and 9 now and much easier but I do it all.

He is still testy with me and I am very much testy with him. But when I need a break I speak up and say I am having a day off and he is ok with it. And when he has had a bad day at work or has been working long hours I let him sleep. He slept until 10.30 am today! Lucky sod.

My point is that marriage is a journey and you are on a bumpy bit. Trust me, it will get better. I might have threatened divorce as well if I had a 1 year old and reception age child during lockdown.

Good luck!

Sorry, i just read that he works Saturdays too.
Ok, that is hard. There isn’t much time for nice low key family time, is there?

Is it possible to hire a sitter on Sundays (when things open up) so you and he can spend some time together? Just a few hours when the younger one is napping in the afternoon, say?

I'm not surprised he's snapping at you.
I don't think you appreciate how hard he works and the things he does around the house. I think you must know yourself that what he does is a damm sight more than most men if you read the posts on here.
Yes, being a Mum and all it entails, especially during lockdown, is hard, no one ever said it wasn't.
I think you need to have a chat, not accusatory, just both of you being open and honest about the stresses you both are under. I'd like to think with more understanding of each other this will help

It sounds as though you are both tired physically and mentally.
Two young children, it's going to be hard and a husband who has his own buisness, I should imagine his work is prety much constant if you are young and he is trying to get established in his work.

If he works long hours and weekends you will feel neglected but he sounds as though he's doing as much as he can when he's with you.
It will get easier, young families grow up and your burden will ease, but then other problems will occur.
You are a team, help one another, you both have the same goal, but you need to communicate, say when either one is tired, say when either one is feeling unloved.
This all sounds normal to me, don't take one another for granted.
Good luck.

I think he’s already doing too much and has likely heard how much less the people he works with do at home if they also have SAHMs. And you expect even more. I’d be surprised if you can turn it around. It’s also probably the bad feeling he now has being at home making him snappy. Maybe he does all those other things at home to avoid being around you and to get you away and out of the house.

You sound like you just don't like being a SAHM - your description of your day is just part of being a parent. There is no need to list that you have stacked & unstacked a dishwasher repeatedly, or count how many loads of laundry you have done.

The fact you made a trip to the park & online shopping sound like arduous stress filled tasks to me is proof that this issue is with you & has nothing to do with your husband. You want more support from him because you're not coping - but the reason you're not coping isn't because of him, it's despite him!

You sound like the type of person who would benefit from putting your kids in daycare and getting back out to work, because the mundane life of SAHP isn't for you.

These things you describe are part & parcel of being a SAHP and that's the offset for you not having the stress of having to provide financially to support your family. The SAHP supports in other ways, by keeping things with the house ticking over.

And yes, to me that includes cooking/prepping dinner most nights - especially when the partner is out at work 6 days a week.

The fact you find ordinary life (and with a cleaner) so draining means you need to make a change for yourself in order to be happy. You may find more satisfaction by going back to work, because you don't find staying at home at all fun or fulfilling.

I think you're really lucky & need to do a big 180 and thank him for what he does for the family because right now he must be feeling really taken advantage of & unappreciated.

Agree you do sound manipulative by threatening to leave & then not doing it - you should stop making empty threats because if your husband seems snappy then he too is unhappy & this will put the idea of separation in his mind as an option.

Your life would be harder if he wasn't in it. If you love him & want to stay together time for a big apology & talk on how you can overhaul your life & get back to work.

I feel rather out of step with the consensus here, but I'd be upset about the snappiness too. I'm not sure what relevance your respective chores have really, but speaking to you as though you are a constant source of irritation is hurtful no matter how tired he is.

Can you not try to address it with him without trying to keep score (and FGS don't throw around threats to leave him, that's absolutely dreadful!)? It sounds like you both need to make time to have some fun together somehow, but that's a tall order for most parents during lockdown.

I really think you need to appreciate you have a good husband there.

I also think you need to grow up and take responsibility for how you are treating him.

You are a very lucky lady with a husband you need to respect.

He does more than mine ever did.

Write this in reverse and see how you feel.
You have young children but he definitely pulls his weight.

Do you actually want to be a SAHM? You are moaning about not always drinking your morning coffee in peace and taking your DC to park which is just so standard for being a mum isn't it. Perhaps you should consider rebalancing life with your DH so that you get a job and contribute financially, he can step back a little and be at home more. Although my guess is you're on of those horribly entitled women who don't want to work but moan about being a SAHM to.

@blackcat86 yes the bit about wanting to drink morning coffee in peace had me too

It just sounds like such a petty gripe when this is what SAHP is that it feels like the OP must be unhappy with her life & seeing problems at every point & turn due to it.

What kind of SAHP of 2 young children really expects a leisurely morning of sipping coffee peacefully? It's completely disconnected from reality.

I too thought when suggesting the OP goes back to work that the OP will come back & list reasons why can't/won't work. Just getting a vibe that even mundane chores & responsibility are too much for OP to fathom.

Taking the kids to the park & acting like it's a responsiblity comparable to the daily stress of an average job is madness. Taking the kids to the park is what many would love to do on their day off work!

Apart from everything else, threatening to leave your husband when you argue really crosses the line (assuming there's nothing more going on than what you've already told us). And he's right, it IS manipulative. He must feel like he's walking on eggshells all the time, coming home from a stressful job to a partner who moans he's not doing enough and threatens she'll leave him.

Everyone's stressed and everyone argues and everyone gets snappy on occasion but threatening to leave is the nuclear option in any argument.

Thank you to everyone for sharing your thoughts and taking time. I'm honestly taken aback by the responses, certainly not what I expected at all.

I've spent yesterday and this morning thinking about what you've all said. Someone called me a princess and a hard work and I must admit a few people in the past have jokingly said the same things to me, my husband included. However....thinking about it all, it's his fault for turning me into one! He was the one to say on multiple occasions that I don't have to work if I don't want to and he gave me his credit card to spend freely. I didn't ask for it! I've been extremely appreciative and grateful for all of this and my parents always say to me I'm lucky he provides a stress free life for me, so all that you are saying is valid and I promise you that I appreciate it. But my post wasn't about it was it??? It was about him being mean to me sometimes, over little things! He gets irritated if I can't find something or did something wrong and I don't like or better put it I hate when he talks to me this way and I made it very clear to him! I did say that I'll leave otherwise of course because no one wants to be treated like a scapegoat at home when he brings his stress from work into his family. He never used to be like this, we've always had the sweetest relationship and I still fancy him very much.

Anyhow. We had a chat last night and I asked if he's generally ok and how are things and he admitted he's going through a lot of pressure at work (nothing new as I ask every day and he shares with me always anyway) and that's making him grumpy. I suggested that maybe we go to a hotel and spend an evening and a night together once lockdown is over if we find someone to mind the children and he was very much up for it. He was generally in the good mood and we had a nice chat, I said that I'm grateful for everything he does for me and for us and how happy I am etc. Let's see if that changes the dynamics even though I doubt it (the reason for the doubt being that I say this to him on regular basis but doesn't seem to make much difference, maybe it's him who should appreciate more instead, I wonder)

Seriously OP, are you for real? Your DH works 6 days a week - just think about that for a minute - 6 days out of 7. On his ONE day off he does hoovering and mopping, takes out the bins, gardening etc. When does HE get a break. Both physically and mentally. Working is tiring and it sounds to me like he's exhausted. He's supporting you and the DC financially. You even have a cleaner. He doesn't expect you to go out to work. Your job is to look after the kids and do most of the housework while he earns the money. Yet still you moan at him. Still it's not enough! What more do you want?
Poor guy. Why not try asking him how YOU can support him? Is there a way he can reduce his working week so he doesn't have to work 6 days.
You're very lucky he hasn't left you. Im sorry but being a SAHM is really not that hard. Well not in my experience anyway. I find working all consuming, stressful and draining. If I then had to come home to a moany ungrateful spoilt partner like you, I'd be snappy too!
Many of us juggle working alongside all the erroneous list of 'chores' you mention. How is going to the park a chore? We all do laundry, empty dishwashers and online shopping. It's really not that much. Get a grip for God's sake before HE leaves you!

I can't believe you're trying to blame your husband for "turning you into a princess"!

You have two children, don't work and have a cleaner - your husband works six long days a week and has financial responsibility for all of you. And you bitch and moan that he doesn't do enough and you want your morning coffee in peace?

Words fail me.

I also feel out of step with the consensus here. Sure he does stuff in the house and with the kids. Great. That's as it should be and we shouldn't be falling over ourselves to congratulate him and worse, the 'send him my way' comments like he is a prize or something. Ugh.
He is routinely talking to the OP like she is staff and making her feel upset. That is absolutely not ok even though the big menz is tired from work. She has asked him to stop doing so and he has ignored her. Also not ok.

@Aalvarino

I also feel out of step with the consensus here. Sure he does stuff in the house and with the kids. Great. That's as it should be and we shouldn't be falling over ourselves to congratulate him and worse, the 'send him my way' comments like he is a prize or something. Ugh. He is routinely talking to the OP like she is staff and making her feel upset. That is absolutely not ok even though the big menz is tired from work. She has asked him to stop doing so and he has ignored her. Also not ok.

If I was routinely taken for granted in the way OP's DH appears to be, I'd be snappy too. Especially if my wife kept threatening to leave me

To be honest, I'd be thrilled to have my H do all those things! I do all DIY, cleaning and cooking. No cleaner. Similar situation otherwise.