husband snappy

[bunny85]

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

I think he feels unappreciated. He's giving, giving, giving and you are looking for more! Working 6 days a week and you sound like you live in comfort and you're not struggling. He cleans, he's involved with the children, he repairs the house, he does chores and you are choosing to focus on the things he 'doesn't' do!
I think he has every right to be snappy. What do you do for him?
How do you show him how much you appreciate his efforts?
How often do you tell him/show him?
What do you do to make him feel loved, appreciated and not taken for granted?
What do you contribute apart from looking after the children and cooking?

I'd be careful if I were you. Men have walked for less.

@bunny85 you say you have to do things you hate. Maybe your DH hates having to work so hard 6 days a week only to come home to an ungrateful wife!

@QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep

I think he feels unappreciated. He's giving, giving, giving and you are looking for more! Working 6 days a week and you sound like you live in comfort and you're not struggling. He cleans, he's involved with the children, he repairs the house, he does chores and you are choosing to focus on the things he 'doesn't' do! I think he has every right to be snappy. What do you do for him? How do you show him how much you appreciate his efforts? How often do you tell him/show him? What do you do to make him feel loved, appreciated and not taken for granted? What do you contribute apart from looking after the children and cooking?

I'd be careful if I were you. Men have walked for less.

Really and truly, I think I do quite a lot for him. I help him with his work sometimes, even exactly today is a perfect example. He has just told me that he'll need to leave very early tomorrow morning for work (at 6am which never happens) so he won't be able to do the drop off and I said I'll do it. Him leaving at 6 is bound to wake the children up (they are both super light sleepers in the morning) so I'll have to deal with them on my own then drive my son to school with the baby in tow and then come back home. I volunteered to do this myself, he didn't even ask directly, just said that there's a lot of work and it would be great if he could leave early. Lately the baby hasn't been sleeping well (teething) so I could hear everything and waking up too, I'm quite tired, but I didn't say a single word. I said to him that I'm always happy to support him no matter what.

As for appreciating, I tell him all the time how much I do. When he doesn't snap, our relationship is amazing, we joke, we have a great connection. So he's at fault here to be honest, not me- I can't take responsibility for the tone of his voice, that's his choice.

What else do I do for him except cooking and looking after the children? Well, isn't it enough? If it wasn't for me the baby would have to go to nursery and my husband thinks it's better he stays with mummy while he's so little. He's also breastfed. I take him to parks, I read, we draw, I could go on and on! Nobody is better for a baby than their own mum, and for that I need to be happy myself too, namely rested and respected by my husband. Surely not too much to ask?

Of course he's not happy to work 6 days a week, I know that. He said he will work towards switching to 5 days from next year, hopefully.

I noticed that his mood is related to how things are at work directly. I know he's finding it stressful at work but I'm also trying my best, absolutely.

Can't believe you feel virtuous doing the school drop! Of course he shouldn't have to ask you ffs! You really do live in a bubble world! Unbelievable.

‘ What do you contribute apart from looking after the children and cooking? ‘ @QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep really??? ahahahaha have you ever looked after 1 year old? babies need care (=work) 24/7 not to mention 5 year old with all the questions they have to ask and all the thing they want to do.

24 x 7= 168 hours of W-O-R-K a week

Someone has to do some math for all these ladies on here who think looking after little ones + cooking its leisure time.

@Dominikaa

‘ What do you contribute apart from looking after the children and cooking? ‘ *@QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep* really??? ahahahaha have you ever looked after 1 year old? babies need care (=work) 24/7 not to mention 5 year old with all the questions they have to ask and all the thing they want to do.

24 x 7= 168 hours of W-O-R-K a week

Someone has to do some math for all these ladies on here who think looking after little ones + cooking its leisure time.

Thank you @Dominikaa for understanding. Just to be fair on my husband, he stays with the baby at nights, so we can say 84h a week of my working hours, which is still a lot! I was thinking about it last night and if cooking and looking after the children wasn't work, then there wouldn't be such jobs as nanny and cook. Not to mention that I also do a hundred of other things that a nanny wouldn't do (washing, grocery shopping and all the life admin, I listed them in details in one of my previous posts). Of course it's pure work and has to be respected and recognised, there's no doubt in my mind about that. I'm very happy to appreciate my husband but he should respect me also, speaking nicely is all I'm asking for.

There has been an improvement lately though. Just praying it will stay this way.

I'd like to give you all an update for two reasons. First, it can help another woman with similar problems and secondly, to thank you all.

Especially I want to thank @Mommy77 because it was her advice that worked wonders. So basically what I did, I did exactly what you said- I started giving positive energy in the hope to attract positive energy back, and replied with a smile or ignored the instances where he got snappy. I said to myself that 'if I want to change the world I'll start with myself'. And tadam...it worked!! Now I'm always nice to him even when I feel like screaming- and gradually, but nevertheless quite quickly, his behaviour started to change, too. It was quite shocking to see to be honest and very eye opening and very interesting as a phenomenon. He's not snappy- he started copying my niceness! He hugs and kisses me more, we laugh more, I dare say things are pretty much almost back to the way they were! I'm SO happy I posted and made these changes promptly as I believe this was why it was quick and easy to get back to the old ways. I don't moan anymore and I don't attack him immediately when he gets snappy (which is now very rare!)- I keep quiet or I can say very kindly 'please don't use this tone of the voice'. I didn't make a big deal of it- and it died out!

In regards to the house chores etc, I've also come to realise that perhaps I was expecting too much, what he's doing is probably enough. I'm grateful he gets up at night with the baby and today he let me have a lie in and I slept until 10.15 (he actually lets me do it every Sunday). He hardly did anything around the house at all, but I went out for a walk by myself for almost 2h and felt incredibly rested and happy.

On the whole, just wanted to say thank you to everyone again, at first I deeply regretted posting but now I can see how helpful this forum can really be and I absolutely benefitted from your advices. My husband doesn't know I'm posting here, but had he known I'm sure he'd be thankful to you, too

So happy for you! Well done 🤗

@Dominikaa

So happy for you! Well done 🤗

Thank you ☺️