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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband snappy

409 replies

bunny85 · 01/03/2021 15:36

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 01/03/2021 16:54

Sounds like he's pulling more than his weight to me, he's probably exhausted!

imalmostthere · 01/03/2021 16:54

What you've described you do is reasonable given you're at home. Swimming and activities etc, can't be taken over by him when he's working 6 days a week.
The way you wrote your last post, sounds as though you think you do a lot - and kindly op, it really isn't. You have the luxury of a cleaner even, so that's not even a worry. You don't need to bathe the kids, he does it when he's in, as well as the bed times. He then does any diy and jobs on a Sunday. He works Monday to Saturday long hours.
What you're doing is online shopping, and holidays etc really isn't a massive burden. School runs, cooking - it's the same as any other SAHM, but you have an extremely supportive and helpful DH, Which many others don't. I understand you're tired, but you're being very unfair on him. He has the burden of supporting all of your financially, comes home and takes over from you, and then does everything on his day off. When he takes over you have a break - when does he have one? He's non stop 24/7, he's probably exhausted, and he's being moaned at for not doing enough. You really do have a good thing going here op.

pheonixrebirth · 01/03/2021 16:55

Sorry just read that he does bath times.

PussGirl · 01/03/2021 16:57

Agree with PP - he does a lot more than many men I can think of!

pheonixrebirth · 01/03/2021 16:59

In all honesty I'm struggling to understand what else you want him to do. Can you elaborate on where you think he should be doing more.

imalmostthere · 01/03/2021 17:01

Another point I noticed, you were shocked that posters are saying he does a lot, and thought you'd be told he needs to pull his weight. He is doing 50% of the housework and DC care, plus working 6 days. So if anything, he's actually taking on more of the load than you are, as he's keeping you financially stable on top of that. I genuinely don't mean this to come across nasty, but I think you actually need to step up a bit more. Absolutely stop moaning at him, and maybe thank him for all he is doing and show you appreciate him. He's probably exhausted and feels really unappreciated and fed up.

Tittyfilarious · 01/03/2021 17:06

Op I don't mean this in any way nastily but I think you are very unfair on your husband. I have done everything you do with a 5 year old and a baby and I didn't drive so shops, appointments etc all done by walking, taxi or bus on my own everyday he worked 12 hours or more. Is it tiring, yes it is but not on the scale of working 6 days a week and then still doing alot around the house. You mentioned a back issue so maybe that explains the mopping and hoovering that he does, but I think you need to appreciate that he does alot, he does much more than some men you read about on here.when he comes home if 1 of the first things you do is talk about how tired you are you will piss him off because he knows he then will have to take over adding to his stress and how tired he is also . When is it his time to wind down, relax and rest op because it sounds like he doesn't get any.

Original poster
bunny85 · 01/03/2021 17:07

What am I moaning about... well I wake up, have my morning coffee (undisturbed if I'm lucky, often not as), and it starts... breakfast (sometimes my husband feeds them in the morning so not every day), live lessons, nappies, snacks, nap time, homework, take them for a walk, cooking, doing the washing (putting clean washing away and loading and hanging the next lot), endless loading and unloading of dishwasher, online grocery shopping and any other shopping that needs doing and it all takes time! Also day to day cleaning, hoovering, tidying up as they make mess non stop! Cleaning the bathroom and toilet. They also need some quality time, reading books, playing etc, the reason I'm mentioning it is my eldest started misbehaving and quite badly and I've been reading some books on the subject (how to talk so your kids will listen and some others) and basically if you want your kids to behave they need your time! He is undoubtedly jealous of the baby and needs me to dedicate some of my time to him, my undivided attention. So where does that leave me by the end of the day, when he comes home and expects a dinner cooked as well (he understands when I can't and will eat a pizza or whatever but I don't think he'd be happy to do it every day!). Then I load the dishwasher and tidy up the kitchen etc while kids are in bed and we've had our dinner and he goes to relax on the couch. Where does that leave me by the end of the day, I'm also tired. A walk in the park with 2 little kids is hardly a walk in the park for pleasure by yourself and hardly relaxing as any mother would probably agree with me. I don't know.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 01/03/2021 17:07

I was a SAHM and I did everything you do plus most of what you say DH does. Frankly, you're asking too much. Your DH works long hours and provides a nice living. He should do some of the childcare because interacting with his children is part of being a good dad, but you need to do most of the rest.

And stop complaining. He's providing you with a nice, relatively stress-free life. I worked a high power, stressful job before I was a SAHM, and being a SAHM doesn't compare.

User133847 · 01/03/2021 17:09

Sounds abusive. I'd end it now.

Original poster
bunny85 · 01/03/2021 17:13

Yes I've threatened him that I'll leave but it all results in a huge argument and I never end up actually leaving and he says I'm trying to manipulate him

OP posts:
User133847 · 01/03/2021 17:14

@bunny85

Yes I've threatened him that I'll leave but it all results in a huge argument and I never end up actually leaving and he says I'm trying to manipulate him
He won't take empty threats seriously. If it's an abusive relationship you need to end it.
Original poster
bunny85 · 01/03/2021 17:16

No he's not doing 50% of the housework! Will hoover and mop on a weekend if needed, and that's about it. DIYs aren't needed every weekend. Ok he'll do the bins and gardening but I know he enjoys gardening, he always volunteers

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 01/03/2021 17:18

I don't know if that's an abusive relationship or not, we used to have an amazing marriage before he started being grumpy and unhappy and often annoyed.

OP posts:
Tittyfilarious · 01/03/2021 17:22

@bunny85

What am I moaning about... well I wake up, have my morning coffee (undisturbed if I'm lucky, often not as), and it starts... breakfast (sometimes my husband feeds them in the morning so not every day), live lessons, nappies, snacks, nap time, homework, take them for a walk, cooking, doing the washing (putting clean washing away and loading and hanging the next lot), endless loading and unloading of dishwasher, online grocery shopping and any other shopping that needs doing and it all takes time! Also day to day cleaning, hoovering, tidying up as they make mess non stop! Cleaning the bathroom and toilet. They also need some quality time, reading books, playing etc, the reason I'm mentioning it is my eldest started misbehaving and quite badly and I've been reading some books on the subject (how to talk so your kids will listen and some others) and basically if you want your kids to behave they need your time! He is undoubtedly jealous of the baby and needs me to dedicate some of my time to him, my undivided attention. So where does that leave me by the end of the day, when he comes home and expects a dinner cooked as well (he understands when I can't and will eat a pizza or whatever but I don't think he'd be happy to do it every day!). Then I load the dishwasher and tidy up the kitchen etc while kids are in bed and we've had our dinner and he goes to relax on the couch. Where does that leave me by the end of the day, I'm also tired. A walk in the park with 2 little kids is hardly a walk in the park for pleasure by yourself and hardly relaxing as any mother would probably agree with me. I don't know.
Op many posters on here have now mentioned that he's pulling his weight and you are expecting too much. The day you have listed is a normal day for any parent at home and I see no reason you can't have a meal cooked for when he gets in really as you said in a previous update that you prep in the morning for dinner so do you expect that he comes in and then cooks instead off the back of his day? I honestly think op you need to have a good think about your expectations I'm a SAHM also and the split is I look after house and family he goes earning the money to enable me to do that and he does the DIY. What more do you honestly want him to do or think he should be doing?
pheonixrebirth · 01/03/2021 17:22

What you described is life as a parent. It is hard work, no one would dispute that but I don't know what more your husband can humanly do?!
The hoovering and bathrooms do not need doing daily. Maybe your you need lower your expectations. Your home will never be a show home whilst you have small children.

Original poster
bunny85 · 01/03/2021 17:24

The only thing I want him to do is be nice to me like he used to and don't snap over every little thing, at least that for a start

OP posts:
pheonixrebirth · 01/03/2021 17:26

This might be an abusive relationship in which you would be the abuser not your husband. No wonder the poor bloke is "snappy".

Blondefancy · 01/03/2021 17:28

In order for him to stop snapping at you, you need to start doing more around the house. I know that if I asked my partner to cook, clean, bath and put kids to bed after a 80+ hour work week he would be incredibly snarky with me..you’re a SAHM so need to accept it’s hard work. I’m a SAHM and just understand than the majority of cooking, cleaning and kid duties are mine.

Blondefancy · 01/03/2021 17:28

I feel a drip feed coming on.

Tittyfilarious · 01/03/2021 17:31

@bunny85

The only thing I want him to do is be nice to me like he used to and don't snap over every little thing, at least that for a start
Honestly op I believe that's he's knackered and stressed with work and then he comes home and it's more stress so it results in this snapping at you.
Original poster
bunny85 · 01/03/2021 17:31

I don't ask him to cook, I just asked to talk normally. No drip feeding whatsoever, I described everything as it is in my main post

OP posts:
OverweightPidgeon · 01/03/2021 17:32

This has got to be wind up

Tittyfilarious · 01/03/2021 17:32

@Blondefancy

I feel a drip feed coming on.
I was just thinking that
Original poster
bunny85 · 01/03/2021 17:34

Why is it a wind up? What is it that he does that's so outstanding? Baths the baby when he comes from work and not even every single day (we bath every other day). Ok he puts him to sleep, thank you very much, but he's his child also! And having 2 of them we are dealing with them one each. The other one also wants a bedtime story etc

OP posts: