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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband snappy

409 replies

bunny85 · 01/03/2021 15:36

Hi, I'm just after some perspective, I've been thinking and overthinking and perhaps not sure anymore who's in the right and who's in the wrong.

Briefly, we've been together for 11 years, we are married and have 2 small children (5 and 1). I'm a SAHM and my DH works full time and long hours, Saturdays too. We live comfortably in terms of finances. In terms of him doing his share around the house, that's another thing I'm not sure about. He does some things, but not other. For example he takes the bins out, does DIY, hoovers the house on a weekend, mops the floor, he is very involved with the children (bath and bedtime, nappies, feeding, takes them to park so I can rest etc, whatever is needed basically). However he doesn't cook (at all), doesn't clean as in deep clean (however we have a cleaner fortnightly), he can hang the washing or load/unload the dishwasher very occasionally or when asked (not often!). So I'd be grateful if someone can also tell me is he bot pulling his weight around the house? He claims he does more than enough... i just don't know.

But anyway, now to the main problem. He's often snappy with me. Not openly rude, but the tone of his voice is often irritated, annoyed, snappy. If I did something wrong he gets annoyed with me quickly as if I'm another child. He doesn't shout or swear, just the tone of his voice when he says "Can you not do such and such?" Or anything else. He is very stressed out with work and I get this, but looks like he's bringing it home and I hate it. It's like he's snappy by default and when he's nice he's almost making an effort. I don't know if I'm exaggerating a bit as I'm so upset, but lately there has been at least one instance a day when the tone of his voice is one of those that I don't like. I'm making me extremely upset, I've told him many times by the way, he doesn't seem to see the problem, however he did agree on a few occasions that he's stressed out and grumpy lately overall. What can I do? I'm really upset about it. Thank you.

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 02/03/2021 10:34

I disagree with PPs, in as much as nothing justifies him talking to you nastily and with disrespect.

@bunny85 I think you said you've mentioned it to him a few times. After he's just spoken to you in this way, do you ever say 'don't talk to me like that?' If so, what happens?

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 10:37

Aalvarino, I know! All I did is double checked that he's pulling his weight around the house (it has been established that he is, ok) and asked how to deal with those instances when he talks to me in a way I strongly dislike! All the talk about the house chores and general appreciation is all it is- a talk. I never said I constantly nag him or anything, it's all mostly in my mind, I thought it was a good idea to check with people from the side before having it out with him. We have a good relationship in general, I just didn't know how best to address this particular issue, but I've received a good beating here

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 10:39

Yes this is what I say every single time! What do I get? "Don't make me then!"

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 10:41

SoulofanAggron sorry this last reply was to you. I don't know how to reply directly to a person?

So yes he just gets defensive! He rarely apologises!

OP posts:
YANBULTB · 02/03/2021 10:44

My friend was depressed and having an affair and said he actively tried to be mean to get his wife to want to leave him so he did not have to be the one instigating the split. Could a similar thing be going here?

I wonder of it would be useful for you to further explore ways of tapping into your own sense of purpose, in a 'one life, live it' kind of way.

I regularly visit a 4 bed house with no pets or children where there is a full time housekeeper employed with very high standards. It is not immaculate despite all the hours of effort. Seeing this really helped me adjust to what reasonable levels of unkempt can look like. I love a clean, clear and tidy home but if I can see bits that have been missed in a property where someone spends 38 hours a week tending to the house what chance has everyone else got when they have other commitments!

I would recommend reading up on Non-Violent Communication to see if it helps you to model the behaviour you want to attract.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2021 10:45

@bunny85

Aalvarino, I know! All I did is double checked that he's pulling his weight around the house (it has been established that he is, ok) and asked how to deal with those instances when he talks to me in a way I strongly dislike! All the talk about the house chores and general appreciation is all it is- a talk. I never said I constantly nag him or anything, it's all mostly in my mind, I thought it was a good idea to check with people from the side before having it out with him. We have a good relationship in general, I just didn't know how best to address this particular issue, but I've received a good beating here
You said you moan "a lot" in the same paragraph as all the house chores and him not pulling his weight which is why people think you're moaning about that. What are you moaning "a lot" about if not that?

You said it's his fault you're "a princess" (which other people have noticed you said) because he gave you the option to work or not and to use the credit card freely. As if you aren't an adult who takes responsibility for your own decisions.

You decided despite the feedback on this thread that your attitude isn't the issue and that he needs to change.

That's why people think you aren't listening or taking anything on board.

Tropicalparadise75 · 02/03/2021 10:46

If I worked 6 days a week and was stressed out with staffing issues etc I’d hope my dh would not be arguing about me doing more at home when I got in. I’d feel like there was no escape from stress! He sounds like he does plenty. Give the guy a break

Tsubasa1 · 02/03/2021 10:46

I have two small kids like you and my husband works Mon to Sat. Because of the amount he works he does NO housework at all. He does bathtime occasionally or take the kids to the park, but doesn't do bedtime. If he was working less then he could do more, but I think it's fair like this. Maybe he is doing too much and therefore becomes snappy?

FellowFlipFlop · 02/03/2021 10:49

It's you that doesn't seem to be pulling your weight while your DH is working extremely hard in his own business which is understaffed, plus doing half the housework. When asked what you do all day the answer seemed to be "not a lot". You also previously said that you get the chance to offload on him about your day, as well as asking about his... But now the thread isn't going your way suddenly its all about him chatting over dinner and no attention for poor old you.

I'd get snappy with you too.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 10:49

YANBULTB that he's not having an affair and that he's not wanting to split is 101%. The fact is that he's annoyed with me often for minor (in my opinion) reasons is a fact. Yes I'm sure that I need to start fulfilling my life more and give myself a sense of purpose other than the motherhood and I'm actually working on it.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2021 10:50

The fact is that he's annoyed with me often for minor (in my opinion) reasons is a fact.

The fact is that he's annoyed with you.

That the reasons are minor is not a fact.

Therealjudgejudy · 02/03/2021 10:51

You sound like an immature nightmare

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 10:55

Youvegottenminuteslynn yes that's why I said in my opinion and this is what I'm trying to establish. He doesn't seem to be able to give a definite answer himself whenever I bring it up other than the general stress. And while I genuinely sympathise I also won't have anyone talking to me this way regardless whether I asked a silly question or made a silly mistake

OP posts:
mycatisgivingyouthefinger · 02/03/2021 10:59

You need to listen to what people are unanimously saying and give your husband a break.

He's doing plenty. You're a SAHM and he is working a ridiculous amount. If you resent your choice to be a SAHM then think about that and act accordingly. Don't take it out on your hardworking husband.

Tittyfilarious · 02/03/2021 11:00

@bunny85

YANBULTB that he's not having an affair and that he's not wanting to split is 101%. The fact is that he's annoyed with me often for minor (in my opinion) reasons is a fact. Yes I'm sure that I need to start fulfilling my life more and give myself a sense of purpose other than the motherhood and I'm actually working on it.
What are some of these things that he's annoyed with you about op can you give examples I think you've been asked a few times what these things are but have not really answered?
Starlia · 02/03/2021 11:05

I think he sounds like he might be depressed. I get easily frustrated and snappy when I'm not going well. If nothing else a check up with a doctor is probably a good idea, if he can.

Honestly OP I really feel for your DH. Many of us raise our kids and work full time and do life admin and don't have a credit card to spend, let alone blame other adults for our own behaviour.

Aalvarino · 02/03/2021 11:09

Oh my god so many apologists on here for disrespectful communication.

He's depressed
You should be grateful
It's your fault for making him angry

Same old same old.

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 11:09

Yes I can give a few examples. Since I stopped breastfeeding at night he now sleeps with the baby so I can finally get some sleep at night (the baby was waking up every hour for the boob for a year). When the baby wakes my husband gives him water so he was taking him upstairs the other day and forgot his water bottle downstairs. So he called me asking to bring it up and I said ok then I forgot. So he was trying to put the baby to sleep but he kept on crying, possibly being thirsty. So after 20 mins of trying to put him to sleep or so my husband comes back down with the baby in his arms, pissed off, and says "but I asked you to bring the water" that's just one example. Another would be he was giving the baby his lunch on Sunday and we ordered the pizza for ourselves for lunch, so the delivery came and I asked him to go and get it, he says to me "can't you do it, I'm feeding the baby" in annoyed voice. I couldn't do it as I had my reasons (don't want to give it here) but he got snappy again over a minor thing, over a stupid pizza!

OP posts:
Tittyfilarious · 02/03/2021 11:18

@bunny85

Yes I can give a few examples. Since I stopped breastfeeding at night he now sleeps with the baby so I can finally get some sleep at night (the baby was waking up every hour for the boob for a year). When the baby wakes my husband gives him water so he was taking him upstairs the other day and forgot his water bottle downstairs. So he called me asking to bring it up and I said ok then I forgot. So he was trying to put the baby to sleep but he kept on crying, possibly being thirsty. So after 20 mins of trying to put him to sleep or so my husband comes back down with the baby in his arms, pissed off, and says "but I asked you to bring the water" that's just one example. Another would be he was giving the baby his lunch on Sunday and we ordered the pizza for ourselves for lunch, so the delivery came and I asked him to go and get it, he says to me "can't you do it, I'm feeding the baby" in annoyed voice. I couldn't do it as I had my reasons (don't want to give it here) but he got snappy again over a minor thing, over a stupid pizza!
In a non nasty way I'm going to reverse it you are waiting 20 minutes with a crying baby for your husband to bring up the water bottle that you just asked him for and he forgot, would you be annoyed yes you would and so would I. You are feeding the baby and your husband won't go and answer the door for it for personal reasons (you can't share and that's absolutely fine) what are you supposed to do with the baby stop feeding them and go get the door I think I'd be annoyed too. Honestly op it sounds like alot of frustration I can understand you don't like been spoken to in a snappy way I don't think anybody does but you need to have a good look at these 2 examples you've given how would you react to him.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2021 11:20

@bunny85

Yes I can give a few examples. Since I stopped breastfeeding at night he now sleeps with the baby so I can finally get some sleep at night (the baby was waking up every hour for the boob for a year). When the baby wakes my husband gives him water so he was taking him upstairs the other day and forgot his water bottle downstairs. So he called me asking to bring it up and I said ok then I forgot. So he was trying to put the baby to sleep but he kept on crying, possibly being thirsty. So after 20 mins of trying to put him to sleep or so my husband comes back down with the baby in his arms, pissed off, and says "but I asked you to bring the water" that's just one example. Another would be he was giving the baby his lunch on Sunday and we ordered the pizza for ourselves for lunch, so the delivery came and I asked him to go and get it, he says to me "can't you do it, I'm feeding the baby" in annoyed voice. I couldn't do it as I had my reasons (don't want to give it here) but he got snappy again over a minor thing, over a stupid pizza!
These examples must be wind ups. Both times he was doing stuff for / with the baby and asked you for a hand. Once you forgot and the other time you said no even though it was a case of just answering the door. Is this a reverse?
nameisnotimportant · 02/03/2021 11:21

What you described is just the life of a SAHM. I do all of that and work three days a week on top. My two days off with the kids, I get all the chores, meal prep, online good shopping, washing done throughout the day and I don't have the luxury of a clearer. We do an activity/outing in the morning. My husband works full time too. Once he's home, we share the chores/ childcare until bed time. We take it in turns cooking and the other plays with the kids. Once dinner is done, while one of us baths the kids, the other tidies the kitchen and food away. Once the kids are in bed one of us hoovers and one mops and then we are both usually able to a down and relax for the evening by 19.30. I think you need to sit down and talk to your husband. Come up with a plan for how to make life better. Order hello fresh for a couple of weeks of your sick of cooking. Take it in turns on the weekend to have an hour or two to yourself each. Most importantly ask him why he is being snappy with you and be receptive to it maybe being your fault and seeing what you can do to improve the situation. Also if you don't enjoy being a SAHM maybe look at getting a part time job or doing something for yourself as it is a very difficult, thankless, never ending job and sometimes doing something for yourself or having a bit of time away to yourself really helps improve things. Your husband might also benefit from a bit of a break too.

gutful · 02/03/2021 11:24

MN: Please cite examples why your husband was irritated with you

OP: I forgot to get the baby's bottle I said I would get leaving him + baby hanging for 20mins - also interrupted him while he was feeding baby to get the knock at the door when I was doing something unspecified (changing a tampon perhaps)

MN: LTB

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 11:24

Tittifilarious will you believe that these situations play our in reverse hundred times a day when he forgets/does stupid things/whatever and I never EVER get snappy. I just smile and be understanding, for 2 reasons, first because I hate arguments and always try to smooth the corners and secondly because that's just the way I am! It's not worth it having a pop at someone for forgetting a silly bottle or not being able to answer the door. When it comes to for forgetting he's ten times worse than me and I never ever behave like this. Looks like he can't wait for an opportunity to have a pop at me, lately this is the case

OP posts:
MrsSchrute · 02/03/2021 11:32

So, to be clear, he works six days a week, and gets up with the baby throughout the night, every night?

Original poster
bunny85 · 02/03/2021 11:33

I don't understand why people think this is a wind up or reverse. I wasn't changing a tampon I was just unable to open the door for my personal reasons which I don't want to give on here, it was a one off, usually it wouldn't be a problem. The reaction in my view was unnecessary

OP posts:
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