Shocked by DD's friend's parents.

[supersop60]

I'm seeking advice that I can give to my DD's friend. I have never come across a situation like this, and I'll try to be clear.
DD's friend is at Uni. She, like a normal student, has had a few relationships and has recently met a new man. She has discovered that her (D)M knows about this man, by logging onto her daughter's Instagram account!
All hell has broken lose with the parents. Friend has brought shame upon the family etc. They have now issued an ultimatum - either her (D)F moves to Uni town and friend lives with him for the remainder of her course, OR she is cut off from the family altogether.
I'd like to ask MN what your views are, and what help might be available to this poor girl.
For background, the family are Pakistani Christian and have lived in the UK for most of their married life.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

Well the parents don’t want her to have sex before marriage. I don’t agree but it’s obvious what the issue is.

[Bluetrews25]

Sheesh, that's big of them

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

They have withdrawn their ultimatum (presumeably because she didn't give in)

I guess it's a relief in a way, but wouldn't assume it's because she resisted ... it's entirely possible her DF decided that the upheaval of moving to where she is would inconvenience him

You're still doing the right thing suggesting "student support", but be prepared for her to park the entire issue now the immediate crisis is over

[MuddyWalks]

@justanotherneighinparadise

Well the parents don’t want her to have sex before marriage. I don’t agree but it’s obvious what the issue is.

I believe that's not uncommon in Pakistan culture. The parents sound as though they are compromising though.

[oil0W0lio]

The parents sound as though they are compromising though
I doubt it, in their minds they still are rightfully the highest ranking and should be afforded the obedience of their daughter, they will be regrouping and re assessing their strategy to bring her to heel

[Bythemillpond]

I wonder what else they have up their sleeves.
I walked away at the age of 21 from my family. One of the reasons was because I could never have a friend (even in school) that my mother hadn’t vetted. She always found a problem with anyone I brought home amongst a lot of other bigger issues.
I too was given the ultimatum of being with my bf or never seeing my family again
It was for me a very easy decision.
There had been other times where I had stood firmly against an ultimatum and my family had folded only for them to come up with some other way of keeping control of me.

[huuuuunnnndderrricks]

Is she meant to have an arranged marriage? She is if no use to them if she doesn't I guess . Some cultures are brutal!

[MavisGallavanting]

@oil0W0lio

The parents sound as though they are compromising though
I doubt it, in their minds they still are rightfully the highest ranking and should be afforded the obedience of their daughter, they will be regrouping and re assessing their strategy to bring her to heel

You seem very knowledgeable? What's this based on?

[Bythemillpond]

I doubt it, in their minds they still are rightfully the highest ranking and should be afforded the obedience of their daughter, they will be regrouping and re assessing their strategy to bring her to heel

Agree with this. They aren’t going to do a complete U turn on their beliefs.
They will be coming up with some strategy to get their daughter to obey

I think she does need to protect herself from her families idea of protection

[StillWeRise]

I'm afraid I agree, its good that they have compromised but there is no telling what they may be planning. I'll say it again she needs advice from someone who is familiar with this culture, who can explain what might happen.

[AgentJohnson]

They were always these people, hence therapy. It’s crunch time, if she wants privacy and independence than the price to pay for that, is her parents going nc with her.

It’s very sad but the balls in her court.

[supersop60]

Update: they are now trying the tactic of emotional blackmail.
Eg,
your father is very hurt that you don't want to live with him.
We just want to get to know you better
We're worried that you won't get your degree (she's on track for a 1st)

[pointythings]

We just want to get to know you better

They had 18 years to do that!
I really hope she contacts the organisations referenced in this thread and gets the support she needs so that she can manage how she handles her family.

[StillWeRise]

so they are gaslighting her
please if your DD has any influence get her to contact the specialist orgs referenced here or at least read up on domestic abuse (which can be parent to child) honour based violence and forced marriage.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

Agree, she should contact experts. These are people who, at best , are putting her educational attainment ahead of her personal happiness and may indeed be putting their reputations ahead of her happiness. How shabby!

[Bythemillpond]

Update: they are now trying the tactic of emotional blackmail
Eg
your father is very hurt that you don't want to live with him
We just want to get to know you better
We're worried that you won't get your degree (she's on track for a 1st

No surprise.
It might be hard to go NC but ultimately it is going to save this girl a lot of heart ache and a lot of battles.
She sounds like a sensible girl and I know it is hard to turn her back but she can’t go through life living like this. Where she can’t do right for doing wrong. Her parents changing the goal posts when they feel she needs reigning in because she is overstepping some changeable boundaries.
The job incident would have been a red flag to know that they don’t mean what they say and if you can’t trust what they say then there isn’t a relationship apart from asking them to make every decision and her complying and even then it is subject to them changing their minds.

When she is older snd has her life sorted and she feels stronger then if she chooses she could start a relationship with her parents again but until then she would be better off on her own making her own decisions.
They had 18 years to get to know her and if she is on track to get a first even if she is living a life they don’t approve of then why would they want to make her miserable and ruin her chances.

University isn’t just about getting the best degree you can but also about the contacts and friends you make there which will last a life time. Cutting her out of this part of university life isn’t going to do her any favours
If anything I think they want her to live with her father or have some control over her because they want to say that the only reason she gets a first is because they were instrumental in her getting it and will hold it over her for the rest of her life.

In this case my advice would be to build a wall between herself and her parents. Not something I would normally advise in someone so young and after university don’t leave a forwarding address.

[supersop60]

I have passed on all the contacts that pp have suggested. I can't make her follow them up, but I hope she does.