Shocked by DD's friend's parents.

[supersop60]

I'm seeking advice that I can give to my DD's friend. I have never come across a situation like this, and I'll try to be clear.
DD's friend is at Uni. She, like a normal student, has had a few relationships and has recently met a new man. She has discovered that her (D)M knows about this man, by logging onto her daughter's Instagram account!
All hell has broken lose with the parents. Friend has brought shame upon the family etc. They have now issued an ultimatum - either her (D)F moves to Uni town and friend lives with him for the remainder of her course, OR she is cut off from the family altogether.
I'd like to ask MN what your views are, and what help might be available to this poor girl.
For background, the family are Pakistani Christian and have lived in the UK for most of their married life.

Might it help her to move to a place in student halls. Her father would not be allowed there.

A lovely young woman from Pakistani family used to help out in her family’s shop. She desperately wanted to go to college then University.
But she was shipped off to Pakistan to get married at 16.
Heartbreaking.
Her brothers meanwhile grew weed and played gangsta.
Only found out when the bros were caught with a firearm in their car that led to weed bust.

The 16 yr old girl said to me
The trouble with English girls is that they aren’t beaten enough

If only this didn’t go on.
So incredibly sad.

@oakleaffy

A lovely young woman from Pakistani family used to help out in her family’s shop. She desperately wanted to go to college then University. But she was shipped off to Pakistan to get married at 16. Heartbreaking. Her brothers meanwhile grew weed and played gangsta. Only found out when the bros were caught with a firearm in their car that led to weed bust.

The 16 yr old girl said to me
The trouble with English girls is that they aren’t beaten enough

If only this didn’t go on.
So incredibly sad.

Eh?? That's kind of not what's happening here, but lump all Pakistani people together, sure.

My DD is at uni. She's a woman, not a girl. There comes a time when you have to recognize their adulthood and let them make their own choices.

One of my best friends from uni is from a Muslim family, only she isn’t at all Muslim. She had a bf at uni that was a secret and she actually stayed with him for 11 years, the family never met him. She’s now 7 years into another relationship and is actually engaged, her family still haven’t met him. It’s very hard to get your head around how they can be so prejudice towards someone they have never met literally because they are the wrong race and religion. I might add both my friends bfs have been v high flyers working in London in top jobs, both really really nice guys, but white and not religious. In my friends case she has led 2 separate lives, at one point she did rent 2 places in London, one in a house share and one with her bf to keep it a secret. In my friends case she was worried they’d disown her rather than fear about safety but still. Her family do know she is engaged to a white man now and are accepting ish, though they still won’t meet him.

I think speaking to uni might be a good idea if her parents are threatening her or are going to remove support. Her parents need to accept she isn’t growing up in Pakistan and their cultural expectations don’t apply in this country. It’s sad that this sort of thing is so common, I knew another girl at uni who was a Sikh and she had a secret boyfriend too.

Be as P C as you like... women and girls are still hideously controlled.
Control of daughters and wives is common, culturally.

Poor girl! My friend was in a similar position, she was a little older though and he told her if she wanted to get married they could but it wasn’t enough for her parents. Then she had the option of moving in with him and being disowned or keeping her family but everything being scrutinised.

She picked her family and I’ve not seen her properly since. I bumped into her and she told me that other than work she only leaves the house with family members since then.

I'd advise she contact Karma Nirvana. karmanirvana.org.uk/ I come from a similar background, it's a hard one for outsiders to comprehend. On paper, she is old enough not to be pressured like this - she can legally say no to her dad moving to town. On the other hand, she will be under an enormous amount of pressure right now to yield to what her family wants her to do. I feel very sorry for her, I've seen this scenario played out a couple of times. These families are very close knit so when they pull the plug and go NC, it really hurts a lot. All your daughter can do is be there for her friend, the decision is hers in the end but Karma Nirvana might have some advice. Good luck

@supersop60

DD has just told me it was her friend's birthday yesterday, and they didn't contact her at all. Her brother (16) rang to say HB, but he doesn't know what's going on.

Oh that is so sad. Poor girl. I guess that however the family looks, when it comes to things like marriage they are not as progressive as your friend thought. I hope she can develop a good group of friends, and perhaps other relatives who can support her whatever she decides.

I think I would ask her to compose a letter to her parents.
Saying that she loves them, she respects their views but does not share all of them. She should say that she cannot agree to the ultimatum, as she is now an adult with the right to choose how she lives her life. She does not want to break contact with them, but if they decide they cannot accept her as she is that will be their decision to make.

If she is already having therapy because of them, it may make her life better if they cut her out ironically.

@supersop60

Thank you, everyone. I have made a note of the organisations mentioned and will pass them on. DD has told her friend she is always welcome here, and there will be a bed for her if she needs it, covid or not.

That's really decent of you

We had a couple of these situations in my year

With outside help, and part time jobs ideally, these girls can get away from their families. In her shoes, I'd try to cut them off tbh.

One of my best friends from uni is from a Muslim family, only she isn’t at all Muslim.

The BBC did a piece recently about a presenter who was getting hell as her "Muslim" name meant she was expected to be Muslim.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-55999849

TV presenter Saira Khan has said she received death threats after revealing she is not a practising Muslim.

The former Loose Women panellist clarified her faith earlier this week in a column for The Daily Mirror.

"The problem for women like me, who have a Muslim name and are of Asian heritage, is that others make assumptions about us before we even open our mouths," she said.

(contd)

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apostasy#Islam

It’s abusive and I would guess the father is Pakistani?
In that case the girl has been brought up in a Muslim culture and boyfriends are probably a big no, no.

Student services are best to help.
Your DD can only lend an ear.
Be cautious about getting involved or they will blame your DD

Poor girl

@2bazookas
What planet are you on? Did you not see the original post stating that this young woman's account had been hacked?
Have a

I agree 100% with the DD getting counseling and seeing what financial support there may be for her.

However, if the financial support isn't enough to see her through or the debt would be enormous, I think I'd also have her consider the 'long game' as far as what her parents are saying she must do. How long is the course? Will she have a degree that is marketable at the end of it? If I only had 18 months to complete and was pretty sure I was marketable at the end of those 18 months I might be tempted to comply just for the sake of getting through my course with no debt. Then I could get a job and give them 2 fingers up. If it's a 4 + year course, that probably wouldn't be a viable option.

I'm not saying what her parents are saying is right. It 100% is NOT. But maybe she can play them at their own game, grit her teeth, and be financially independent at the end of the gam.

Doesn't surprise me. I have friends who met at uni and kept their relationship secret until their parents died for this reason although not sure the plan had that not happened. They've been happily married for over 10 years and get on well with both families. I had another friend at uni who was from a Sikh family and it was very sad, same situation I think and she chose to be cut off. She should try and negotiate a third option. As for your involvement you can help your daughter to be a good friend but otherwise it's not really your business.

This is none of your business.

@supersop60 your DD’s friend should speak to pastoral staff at her uni for advice. Her parents sound disgusting and controlling.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

This is none of your business.

Would you really not be concerned about a friend of your daughter, who you have known for a decade, being terribly upset about her parents behaviour towards her? OP isn't ringing the parents bollocking them or kicking up a fuss, she's worried about someone she's watched grow up and is asking for advice on ways she might be able to help. I would hope most people would be kind enough to give a shit about someone they've known and liked for ten years.

Don't listen to those condoning the parents' actions or saying it's none if your business OP. Your gut instincts are right, and you are right to want to support this young woman as best you can.

I work with vulnerable 18-25 year olds and Uni students and this is a major issue. A pp was right when they said that Student Finance will actually support her much more if she is "estranged" from her parents. She would need Student Support Services to help her navigate the financial aspect but there are bursaries they can access for help with living costs, laptops, accommodation etc. Your support (only as much as she is willing to accept from you) would be massively helpful for her.

In no way should she relent to their wishes, if she wants to live her life independently. She is an adult. But an adult who needs some support. There have been excellent recommendations on this thread. Do help her as much as she will allow.

@supersop60

DD has just told me it was her friend's birthday yesterday, and they didn't contact her at all. Her brother (16) rang to say HB, but he doesn't know what's going on.

Wow, they really do love a bit of religious-based, self-righteous control & emotional blackmail, huh?! I really can't imagine ever being this cruel to my child.

Are they planning on making her have an arranged marriage? Ort at least insisting on a Pakistani Christian man? How awful to raise a child in a western way then put these awful caveats on life later on! I really do think she is better cutting ties now and building a life for herself away from them, as hard as that would be without the support of family.

Unfortunately, although an adult due to her age she remains somewhat dependent on them until she has graduated and is working, eg where does she go in the summer when uni is closed if she can't go back to parents? Does she have friends she can stay with?

Poor kid.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

This is none of your business.

Wow! What a fountain of empathy you are!!

Fuck me they sound lovely. It’s abuse, let’s call it what it is.
So many people victim blaming here.
If a man was doing this to his wife you wouldn’t be saying the same. She’s also 20!! Not 12!
She is entitled to a private life.

Point her toward Southall Black Sisters. This girl needs some properly experienced advice and support. I'm glad she has your and your DD's friendship. She must have a world of conflicting feelings I imagine.