Shocked by DD's friend's parents.

[supersop60]

I'm seeking advice that I can give to my DD's friend. I have never come across a situation like this, and I'll try to be clear.
DD's friend is at Uni. She, like a normal student, has had a few relationships and has recently met a new man. She has discovered that her (D)M knows about this man, by logging onto her daughter's Instagram account!
All hell has broken lose with the parents. Friend has brought shame upon the family etc. They have now issued an ultimatum - either her (D)F moves to Uni town and friend lives with him for the remainder of her course, OR she is cut off from the family altogether.
I'd like to ask MN what your views are, and what help might be available to this poor girl.
For background, the family are Pakistani Christian and have lived in the UK for most of their married life.

[Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor]

@AlternativePerspective

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor But she won’t be emotionally independent because they won’t allow that to happen. And living with her father means that her whole life will be policed. Her friends, where she goes, who she’s with, in time she will have to give up all of that and then independence will be even harder to come by.

And while at 20 financial independence is difficult, it is by no means impossible.

Do we say to a SAHM in an abusive relationship that she shouldn’t leave because she will find it impossible to gain financial independence in her situation? No we encourage her to seek help to find that independence so she can free herself.

This is no different. She’s not a child, she’s 20.

Oh no I don't think she should live with her father. Just fib that she's dumped the guy.

And sometimes the SAHM does need a bit if time to find a job and save up.

Its horrible situation anyway OP and maybe it would be best if she just cuts them out now and forges her own path. At least she has a good friend in your DD and in you.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

Domestic abuse charities will five advice about local agencies and resources for her.
These parents are unfortunately not putting their DDs best interests first and are dressing up their misogyny and pride by convincing themselves and no doubt their wider contacts that they are thinking of her education, reputation, spiritual well being etc.

[ProfessorSlocombe]

I don't think she was indiscreet. Her mum hacked into her phone from 150 miles away and read her private messages. I think that is actually a crime.

It is, but would need a complaint and determination to push it through, and even then is unlikely to result in more than a telling off.

Much better to ensure it can never happen again.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

She has also now changed all her passwords etc.

I'm not suggesting for an instant that this was the wrong thing to do, but if they're so determined to control her it'll probably make them even worse - as you're finding out, a "western lifetsyle" sometimes doesn't count when it comes to things like this

It's good that she's already having counselling, but yes, student services will probably help too (and she's certainly going to need it)

[Bluetrews25]

I would say to her that I was horrified and shocked at the way this is going, and that I would help and support her in any way that I could. If I was able to offer her shelter during the holidays then I most certainly would. I would also want to assist her with her finding support networks to navigate a safe way through this. And finally I would assure her that there was no way I would help her parents control her and would not be a go-between. Her parents have burned that bridge.
And I'd give her a big hug (covid permitting)

[endlesswicker]

@tara66

Perhaps her DP think a boyfriend will be too much of a distraction from her university studies. This does happen.

And perhaps her parents are controlling and abusive. This does happen as well.

[00100001]

LOL at the lack of understanding of some cultures

[Curioushorse]

Sorry, but if anybody is reading this post (don't want to sabotage your thread, OP!), I'm just been on the Southall Black Sisters website again, and it's just reminded me what an amazing organisation they are. They are women helping women, just supporting them through domestic violence, forced marriage, issues with religious fundamentalism and culture clashes. Yeah, they're great. I'm going to donate because they must have been working really hard during lockdown.

[pointythings]

@00100001

LOL at the lack of understanding of some cultures

One can understand and condemn. Which in this case would be appropriate. Some things are not worthy of acceptance, and coercive control of adult women is one of those things.

OP's friend should definitely contact the organisations mentioned above and OP should focus on offering support for her friend should she decide to cut off her controlling family. I hope she does exactly that.

[HollowTalk]

@2bazookas

Her parents strong opinions must have been known to their daughter so what was she thinking of, to be so indiscreet they found out. Just like all those married people who leave their phone lying about with incriminating messages from their lovers.

Not exactly - in fact it's the complete opposite.

You are blaming the victim in the first case. In the second case with the married people who are being unfaithful, they are the perpetrators, not the victims.

[supersop60]

Thank you, everyone. I have made a note of the organisations mentioned and will pass them on. DD has told her friend she is always welcome here, and there will be a bed for her if she needs it, covid or not.

[Viviennemary]

You need to keep out of this family business. I would recommend to the girl that she should see a counsellor at the University to talk things through.

[Cpl1586407]

@pointythings maybe that poster is referring to some of the "omg so shocked and horrified" posts, which while honest I suppose, show a lack of understanding. The DD here is probably a bit freaked out that her mum actually did hack her account, but tbh if it was me, I'd expect that my dad would try something like that. It's not very shocking to me.

Also there's an assumption that the DD wants to be out on her own and cut her parents off. At that age I couldn't have even fathomed cutting my parents off, just not the done thing, they could have disowned me, not the other way around.

[00100001]

I mean that it's not as simple as "just cut them off" or "venture out in your own".


It's a completely different culture with regards to family, extended family etc.

[Sittingonabench]

There are wider issues to consider. Abuse of this kind can be really tricky with complicated consequences whatever action is taken. Her 16 yr old brother may be forced to cut contact and conditioned to see her in a negative light, destroying a living relationship of support. Her parents may well be very supportive in other areas of her life but they have been conditioned to be controlling in this respect. It doesn’t make it ok and I agree she needs to get away from the controlling nature but to do it sensibly she may need to really think logically. What does she rely on her parents for? Is it financial only - then I would make a stand now. Is it support and genuine loving relationships - then she needs to diffuse the immediate situation and slowly set boundaries around control and their expectations. For example she says she will have a break from boyfriend and will live with df for a month or 2 but with the aim that he can learn more about her life, not that he can control it and so that he can meet the bf if she’s serious about him without them being in a relationship. Families and cultural norms can be so difficult to navigate and she has my deepest sympathy for being torn between them.

[Redburnett]

Because of the cultural issues the best people to support the friend would be more enlightened members of her own community, perhaps older relatives/family friends who might be able to influence her parents.
It is very difficult for people with different cultural backgrounds to give appropriate advice in this sort of situation, other than to assert the young woman's right to make her own decisions about her adult life.

[IFoundMyselfInThisBar]

Poor woman. I’m glad she has your daughter and you looking out for her. I hope she’s ok. 💕

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

Similar happened to a friend of a friend.

She had, in the end to choose between her own path in life or her family

Her university at the time were tremendously helpful and supportive, in terms of protection and options but this was 20 years ago.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

@00100001

LOL at the lack of understanding of some cultures

Yeah you can “understand” why recognising that it is fundamentally just a form of misogynistic ABUSE. Which this poor young woman does not have to put up with from anyone.

[B33Fr33]

To say "Oh but it's their culture" is to imply that culture is abusive. They've gone too far. They are controlling cunts not livi g concerned parents.

[oil0W0lio]

coercive control is a criminal offense, we should not have to tolerate cultural practices which are against our laws

[00100001]

.not saying it's right.

It it really really isn't as simple as some people are implying. 🤷‍♀️

[Cpl1586407]

@00100001

.not saying it's right.

It it really really isn't as simple as some people are implying. 🤷‍♀️

Agree. For a lot of ppl it's really not as simple as "just cut them off"

[pointythings]

I agree it isn't simple. But offering a place to stay and signposting to organisations who understand cultural pressures will help OP's friend choose her path. Ultimately it's up to her what she does, but OP and her DD are allowed to feel horrified about what is happening here. Just because this is the family's culture doesn't mean it has to be accepted or approved of.

[pollylocketpickedapocket]

@tara66

Perhaps her DP think a boyfriend will be too much of a distraction from her university studies. This does happen.

Bollocks it’s control. And you wouldn’t be making excuses for a white father.