Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

Do you drive?

I’m sorry? Why do you ask?

I’d start planning my way back into work with a view to leaving him.

Typical tight selfis

Coz if you don't then yes, a good winter coat is essential

I don’t have a car

Of course a winter coat is essential, especially as the only thing we can do right now is walk! And £39.99 is a bargain. Tell him you are not Victorian paupers who deserve to shiver in the frost - your self esteem is higher than that and being short of money doesn't mean you should neglect essential self-care if at all possible. Then tell him Subject Closed. Never ever ask his permission or discuss these things with him. For your toddler, maybe buy two sizes of the same coat so he doesn't even notice.

You're being financially controlled and you are not wrong to but a new coat.

If you don't have a car then you fucking well need a good winter coat . Cheap bastard.

Are you happy in your relationship? Is this what you want for your life and for your children to grow up with?

I have a car and still consider a winter coat an essential.

Typical tight selfish got, I'd spit in his dinner next time. Its winter you need a coat simple as that. £40 quid for a decent coat is nothing. Glad you found one and let your miserable get over himself.

Thanks, yes I walk everywhere unless dh gives me a lift but be is working through the week so me and my 2 young dc will walk. I am upstairs on my own and dreading going down to see him. I will put my big girl pants on and do it soon.

Does he have life insurance OP?

How tight is money?

What does he say if you mention the money he has spent on himself?

He is making me feel so frivolous like I’ve bought a piece of jewellery or a watch or something. I feel so sick now every time I look at the coat.

Yes a winter coat is an absolute essential. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking your basic comfort is a frivolous luxury

Well clearly a winter coat is an essential, £40 is an excellent price and he's a hypocritical arsehole who buys for himself and resents new clothes for growing kids.

I'd like to know more about how and why you became a SAHM. Nothing would justify what he's doing but I'm trying to work out if he's one of the ones who wants you not to work so that he can be the final authority on money or a different variety of hypocritical prick.

I think he might be financially abusing you. In any case he sounds very unpleasant. This is why I’ve always worked at least part time (now full time) so no man can ever come up with this stupidness to me.

He's got a fucking cheek sitting in his nice warm car expecting you to go without a coat and you need to tell him this in no uncertain terms

He sounds awful OP. A winter coat and children's shoes are essential.

Sending hugs to you OP. I found this is very sad for a women that she even can not buy a coat without be littled by her partner.

I guess your DH doesn't see your contribution to the family as a SAHM, essentially your DH needs to understand that SAHM is a job as well. You are scarifying your career to spend time and look after your kids which is most admirable from my opinion. I am a full time career woman and i am not sure I will be brave enough to scarify my career when it comes to it. So you have done it amazingly.

Do you guys have a shared account that you budgeting or do you just ask money from him when needed?

I suggest maybe you can sit down together and budget for the household, you can add clothing into the budget as well, for example, budget £100 per month (or whatever amount) for clothing, if you didn't spend that month just rolling onto next month. This way, he can not complaining that you spend money on clothes that you don't have or needed else where.

See if you guys can talk about it and solved it without hurt each other's feelings. Good Luck OP.

We have a house and he makes a decent income but we have a little debt since having the dc (we are paying it off and it isn’t too bad). Yes financially we could be better but we get by and I didn’t feel like my coat would make a huge difference to things. I could see his point if I was constantly spending on frivolous items but I’m not.

Tell him you will no longer engage in conversation with him about the coat. If you can't do that, take it back if it's making you miserable.