Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

So you're not allowed to spend anything whilst you both pay off his debts.

Honestly OP he sounds like a prick and a shit father. Please please start planning for a life without him.

I was a SAHM for a few years and my DH would never ever have treated me like this. Over the years I've been on MN I have come to the conclusion that women should always keep their career/job going when they have children and never have more children than you could afford to bring up as a single parent. And I have an absolutely lovely DH who earns loads more than me. But I could afford to bring up my one child alone if I had to.

What a tight controlling fucker! What is it with men who control their wives when they become sahm. I mean I know they realise their wife/partner is more vulnerable when not earning but do they really sit up in bed and think "Right! now I can control her!"

-5 here this week and he reckons you don’t need a decent coat? Is he batshit? Yet he can buy headphones? Bet he has a nice car and phone, too.

Ah but they always present themselves this way to the outside world - salt of the earth, lovely bloke, do anything for anyone etc etc

My other used to call these sort of blokes "street angels, house devils"

Stop justifying the coat. You don't have to, you have the right to be warm.

He is being abusive over money and this constant controlling, belittling behaviour. You need to wake up to that.

If you are not in a position to leave now, start looking at driving lessons, jobs, training, so that you can leave the abusive sod.

I think that you are going to get precisely nowhere by talking to him which will hopefully crystalise further the need to leave in your own mind.

He is quite happy as he is and enjoys seeing your discomfort in near penury and scrabbling about justifying every penny you spend. He is not going to want to hand over any power and control in this relationship to you.

You are being financially abused and probably emotionally. That makes him a bad father. You should look again at the funding as your 3 year old should get 30 hours if he earns under £100k and over something like £20k. You really deserve a better life than this. You are important.

I wanted to say those things but I knew it would be pointless and dh would just respond with ‘they were cheap’, ‘it wasn’t a winter coat which cost 40 quid’ etc and annoy me further.

The response to that one is "No, they were a load of tat that together cost more than 40 quid."

Might a job in the evenings be a possibility?

The balance of power is all with him as it so often is for a SAHP. Start making moves to take some back.

🙋‍♀️Happy to provide an alibi if he accidently gets pushed falls down the stairs

I didn't need to read on to find you are a SAHM - its a classic. He sees you as a domestic appliance and anytime you spend money on yourself he resents it - like resenting spending money fixing a dishwasher etc. This is financial abuse and you are vulnerable. I hope he sees how wrong this is and your relationship improves but I would find this unforgivable.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

I didn't need to read on to find you are a SAHM - its a classic. He sees you as a domestic appliance and anytime you spend money on yourself he resents it - like resenting spending money fixing a dishwasher etc. This is financial abuse and you are vulnerable. I hope he sees how wrong this is and your relationship improves but I would find this unforgivable.

Quite.

His words here betrays what he thinks about you.

You don't mention it, but I assume that he has clothing that is adequate for his environment and that he has purchased clothing as needed for himself in the years since your DC were born. I would have very slightly more sympathy with his point of view if he was struggling through with clothes/shoes etc that are the wrong size or not fit for purpose, but I really doubt that is the case.

You say that he doesn't like you as much as when you first met, and I suspect that's because you don't subsidise him the way that you used to so that he now thinks of you as a drain. Which is very unfair as presumably you both made the decision to have DC and it's not your fault that the childcare that would have made it financially viable for you to work fell through.

I think you sound as though you would rather be working, not just because of the extra income, and if you were it would put you on a more level footing with him in his mind. Could you find work during the hours that he doesn't work, weekends etc?

Also, if you have nice coats that you know you won't ever fit into again then sell them, they're no use to you hanging the wardrobe. Keep the money aside from the main pot just in case you need anything else that you don't want to have an argument with him about.

tell him " ITS A FUCKING COAT. STOP BEING SO TIGHT"
jeez, how is a coat not essential. Especially if you havent got a new one for ages and didnt have one that fitted properly. Thats a really good price too. Tell him to fuck off. Its cold, its winter and you needed that coat

[quote Megafedup]@Bluntness100 we looked into it as we weren’t eligible and only for the 15 hours. Oh maybe because I’m not in full time work.
We discussed it awhile back and it wasn’t worth our while because what I would earn wouldn’t cover childcare costs for younger child.[/quote]
Going back to work isn't really about that, though, it's to stop you becoming financially dependant on someone else.

Which you have done, and this is the result, he berates you for any purchase whilst he still buys things.

My advice would be to get back to work ASAP and start earning your own money, then split the childcare costs between you and see how much each of you has left then. Don't go into it with the mentality is that all YOUR earnings go towards the childcare.

where did the magic coat some from?! warm, nice looking good quality and for £40? send us the link!!

in all seriousness i think you need to have a word with dh (and can see that you're going to which is good). for him to begrudge you something that you will get the use of, haven't spent a fortune on and is an essential item is madness.

my dh got a bit funny with me for spending in the next sale for the kids - i bought a load of stuff for them for the summer in the sale (which they will need) as well as stuff they could layer up and wear now. he had no clue how expensive things are. until he went and bought things for them himself.

maybe suggest that if he wants to moan about the cost of your coat, he buys clothes, does food shop and all shopping from now on. they he will realise how much things actually cost and realise that you haven't been extravagant with the coat.

for what its worth id be superbly riled up if dh kept badgering about something i'd bought. so unfair.

Life's too short to be emotionally manipulated for buying a fucking coat.

Get back to work and unless he has a golden cock I would seriously suggest evaluating if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with!

I think your plan to get back to work is a good one
i am in my late 40s,2 of my close friends marriages have broken up.and the tales of financial abuse that are now coming out are horrific

They had both been SAHMs ,husbands on the face of it were supportive of that

You are supposed to be equal partners,he is not your dad or your boss

When you say that what you earn wouldn't cover the childcare costs - are you assuming that ALL of the childcare costs would be coming out of your salary?

Another way of thinking about this is - if he earns £100k and you earn 10k, (just keeping the maths simple, sorry if you're also a high earner OP) then his salary should be covering 90% of the childcare costs.

However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.)

He sounds like a dick who's moved swiftly into financially abusing you now that you're a SAHP.

I'd make it clear in no uncertain terms that his attitude is completely out of order, he owes you a sincere apology and an attitude readjustment, because your marriage cannot survive his behaviour.

He gets treats but you don't get necessities?

A winter coat is a necessity. Especially in this country when you're walking children around outside in the cold because you don't even have access to regular transport.

Children's shoes and clothing are necessities. And make it clear that purchasing said items don't come out of your allocation of any money, they come out of family money. Or the 'family' will be split into two.

Tell him he's being a twat and stand up for yourself. Frankly, I'd tel lhim to start investigating childcare costs because you're going to get a job as soon as possible to protect yourself against his twattishness.

where did the magic coat some from?! warm, nice looking good quality and for £40? send us the link!!

Uniqlo had a good sale, their down jackets were down to £39.99. Not saying that's where Op got hers!

You need a coat more than he needs moisturiser ffs.he is B U

If you can, list everything that he's bought recently and when he says that you could have bought shoes for the DC if you didn't have a new coat you can immediately come back with moisturiser/beer/treats etc.

I think he knows how much things are as he manages to spend plenty on himself. I think he thinks that the money he earns is his money and for no-one else because he is so important. And that every penny you spend on yourself and the children means less for him. So of course he would see you go without.

Even when I had very little money I always bought myself and DS a good winter coat. That and shoes are crucially important.

I would be making plans to work and then leave.

It's clear cut financial abuse. What an utter, controlling wanker!