Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

Even if you own a car, a winter coat is always an essential item. Assuming you’re in the U.K, it’s hardly renowned for its hot and dry weather!

Is he always so tight fisted and controlling? He sounds like a twat.

It seems you’re skint and financially struggling. This causes stresss in most people. There is no joy in poverty. It’s not ok but it can make people react like you husband has when you buy something that isn’t food or paying the bills. Relying on one wage is no ones fault.

I don’t understand why you need to wait to go back to work till the kids are in school though. You can get free nursery hours and go back three years before that. I think you need to plan to do that.

‘How do you split your money? Instead of going off on one why didn’t you ask why he gets non-essentials like headphones and new face products and you don’t get a warm enough coat?

If money is extremely tight I wouldn’t have spent £40 on a coat, you can get great second hand things for a lot less. But if he’s shopping for himself with no thought to your finances you should be able to as well and shoes and clothes that fit your growing child are obviously essential, though they don’t need to be very expensive. ‘

You are right maybe I should have looked for the coat on eBay. I had a look but I would be paying close to what I did for the new one and for something a bit worn by the time factored in delivery costs. If I could have gotten something similar I would have definitely. I a,ways price around and get the best deals I can for the best item I can.
I wanted to say those things but I knew it would be pointless and dh would just respond with ‘they were cheap’, ‘it wasn’t a winter coat which cost 40 quid’ etc and annoy me further.

@Bluntness100 we don’t qualify for free hours, only the 15 standard over 5 days for the eldest and would need childcare for the baby that would cost.

How much is your husband earning if you don't qualify for free hours?

Do you have full access to family finances OP?

A man who begrudges his wife a cheap coat and shoes for his children? Would he like other people/family to know this about him?
You need money of your own and a plan for leaving.

You say he's a good dad but also say he'd leave your kids in shoes that are too small, and he's punishing you for needing to be warm during winter he's not the catch you think he is

@MirandaMarple

Tell him you will no longer engage in conversation with him about the coat. If you can't do that, take it back if it's making you miserable.

She should take back a coat she needs in winter during a lockdown with no transport to appease a financially controlling partner? Great advice!

@RB68 yes exactly that. I do feel irritated that dh hasn’t trusted my judgment as I only ever buy the best quality for the best price available on essential items. He has known me for a lot of years and I’ve never been frivolous, me being frivolous is buying a pair of earrings on eBay for a pound! Since having the dc I only literally buy what we need. The account is joint which is the weird thing. The joint account was Dh’s idea when i was pregnant with dc1.

Are you in England? No sane person would go out without a winter coat in this weather! Don’t let him control you, or make you and DC go without things you need. I’m with him on staying out of debt. But remind him that you helped him out of debt, so you know what you’re doing.

@Megafedup

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely comments. I wasn’t sure if I was in the wrong but just knew I felt very upset. I did shout and I know that was wrong but he has just constantl went on about it. I think sometimes am I going crazy but then centre myself think it is a winter coat not a diamond ring! The irony of the situation is when I met him he had a lot of debt which I took on when we moved in together and helped him pay it off! I think because if that time in his life is is scared of debt and I understand that and he doesn’t like the small amount we have currently wanting it paid off which I do understand. He keeps saying if we didn’t have that than the purchase would be fine but at the same time this is a winter coat, I don’t understand what he thinks I should wear instead!

I would be reminding him really firmly about his own debt and the fact that you worked together to pay it off. Tell him that you provide the childcare/he works - it's a fair trade and that you're not going to put up with being spoken to like this.

Do you have access to household money OP? An account for joint stuff - and also one for yourself? You're entitled to half of the disposable income once bills, etc. are paid.

I agree with PP too - look at your future and working outside the home possibilities.

Husband has behaved like a shit - a divorce would teach him a hard lesson but, that's a way away presumably. For you.

Sorry op I think you misread. When your youngest is two won’t you get free nursery? I’m questioning why you need to wait till the youngest is five?

He sounds like a dick.

A good father wouldn't see his children in too small clothing or the mother of his children without winter essentials which a coat absolutely is regardless of whether you have a car or not.

And £39 for an adults coat is a bargain.

He is buying himself clothes, electronics and personal grooming items, there is clearly money available.

He is not a good father

He is not a good partner

He is abusive and controlling.

Start looking for a way to get back into work and leave the tight-fisted controlling bastard.

you'd get CMS payments from him till the children leave education. So you'd be quid's in anyway compared to right now.

do you have access to all bank accounts?

He is a good father to the dc

Unfortunately, that phrase is the gold standard of mitigating excuses when some poor woman knows in her Heart she’s landed herself with a POS.

I think what you actually mean is ‘barely adequate as a father or as a human being‘

And no, you shouldn't have to buy second-hand! Does he wear second-hand clothes?

OP this sounds awful. I was a SAHM for years but I didn't have to justify my spending like it sounds as though you do. How are things generally? Has he always been like this or has he got something going on? I am not trying to justify his behaviour at all by the way, he is entirely out of order. I just wondered if he's worried about his job or something.

@Megafedup

He is making me feel so frivolous like I’ve bought a piece of jewellery or a watch or something. I feel so sick now every time I look at the coat.

Oh love, this isn't right. No one should make you feel like this. Is he controlling in other ways?

Sadly I think he is being financially abusive to you ,as others have said here. £39.99 is an absolute steal IMO .I dont see why it matters if you have a car or not you still need an outdoor coat! I think some men dont seem to see being a SAHM as a job and this needs addressing .You would be earning a fortune as a Cook ,Cleaner,Nanny and do on! All done for free for his "Highness" Tell him this and explain why you need a budget to include clothing for you and DC as well as him!

@MoltenLasagne he earns too much to qualify for free hours or tax credits. We get child benefit that most people get. We have alittle debt which eats up money every month which we are working at paying off.

@Bluntness100

Sorry op I think you misread. When your youngest is two won’t you get free nursery? I’m questioning why you need to wait till the youngest is five?

Sorry that should say three,

I thought everyone was entitled to free thirty hours if they worked two weeks out of three and earned min wage? Unless your partner earns over 100k? Which doesn’t seem to be the case here?

My God £40 is nothing for a good winter coat that will probably last you a few years.
Cannot imagine having a husband who thinks this is a luxury.
What an absolute prick.
Op now is the time to lose your shit!!

[quote Megafedup]@MoltenLasagne he earns too much to qualify for free hours or tax credits. We get child benefit that most people get. We have alittle debt which eats up money every month which we are working at paying off.[/quote]
So he earns over 100k a year?

Thank you everyone for being so lovely and understand. I appreciate all of your advice more than you know. His answer when i mention budgets for clothes etc is that we can have a budget for these things when the debt is gone.

understanding*