Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

How did the talk go @Megafedup ?
Are you aware of all the incoming/out goings ?

Sorry OP, he's being incredibly mean, I can't imagine many husbands being comfortable with their wife being without a winter coat. £40 is a good deal.

I think a proper sit down budget talk needs to be had, list all outgoings and how much you can afford to spend on stuff going forward.

But to be honest it sounds like he is financially controlling you and you might be better off without him.

This isn’t really about the coat, it’s about how he treats you if you do something he disagrees with. Me and DH might have the odd disagreement on what is or isn’t essential but it requires an adult conversation. It doesn’t require being antagonised and bullied.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

A coat is essential, as are the children’s’ shoes. Moisturizer isn’t.

He sounds unhealthily controlling.

It's all very well saying you need the coat and it was a good price (ditto the kids' stuff) but as you also said, you knew you couldn't afford it.

You both need to sit down together and agree on a budget and understand what your financial priorities are (which should absolutely include costs and kids' clothes, but possibly secondhand if circumstances dictate). He shouldn't be spending money on things like headphones if you don't have a coat that fits and your kids need shoes, but if you don't have a financial plan that you agree then that's where you end up.

If you go on the money saving expert site they have really good advice and tools to help you. Personally I found using a budgeting app that synced with my husband's phone improved our marriage. I am also a SAHM and he gets stressed if I spend money, but now as long as it's budgeted expenditure he doesn't care anymore. Before it was money worries and feelings of lack of control about finances coming out wrong.

It's all very well saying you need the coat and it was a good price (ditto the kids' stuff) but as you also said, you knew you couldn't afford it.

@Hollywhiskey I don't think OP's said that at all. A suitable coat for the weather is an essential and so she rightly saw it as a justifiable spend- and it's not getting them in further debt or anything as far as we know.
It's her husband who's claiming they can't afford an essential item for OP while buying headphones, moisturizer etc for himself.

possibly secondhand if circumstances dictate

As PPs have said, that'd be great if charity shops were open, but they ain't.

There are so many red flags here OP that I do agree with PPs that you will benefit greatly frm going back into work sooner rather than later. Its not easy and you may not see the benefits for a few years but there are so many women on here a few years down the line from you who's husbands have gotten worse (they have no reason to improve their behaviour) maybe another kid, no access to independant funds, isolated from their support network and stuck.

He needs to shape up or you need to plot an escape plan.

Thanks everyone, really appreciate all of your comments and have taken every one on board. Me and dh have had a good sit down and talk. We have been through all of the finances and i stressed to him i cannot go on like this. I told him we both need a set amount for clothes etc each month and that it is to be moved into a separate account. He has agreed and said he has been very stressed at how out of control he has felt because things have been spiralling, he said he felt he had done the best with the finances but had been worried too and gratefulof a fresh set of eyes. I told him how upset it was making me and finally we seem to have a good plan and proper budget for 'easentials'. I told him things would infact spiral more without a budget for things we need rather than saying we cannot have them then needing it all at once. Similar to what @hollywhiskey said dh said he is fine spending money but when budgeted for properly; he worries otherwise. Thank you holly i will mention the app to dh as that sounds really helpful.
I have since had him comment positively on the coat and some clothes and shoes i have bought today for the dc!

essentials*

I hope everything goes to plan op , and that this has genuinely been out of character behaviour from a stressed person.

Please don't be afraid to post again if you need to though.

Good luck.

Oh and i wont be letting him off the hook easily either.I have told him it is finacial abuse which he didn't like and that what kind of man moans when it is easentials for his dc too and i told him yes we have to tighten our belt but that doesn't mean he cant be happy when we do buy things and that he doesn't have to be miserable. He has since been commenting nicely so hopefully i will see a change! I think this talk has been needed for awhile.

Hi OP, that sounds positive. You both need to be financially responsible but you also need the freedom to buy things you need/ like so long as you're reasonable about it. You're a SAHM not an indentured servant.

I also told him that things like his headphones can come out his budgeted allowance and that his purchases can now be tracked too! He os definitely wishing he hadn't complained about the coat now i think!

I'm sorry but this is financial abuse, yes you need a coat. He does not need headphones or moisturiser, and you do not need to be spoken to like a child.

@StephenBelafonte

Do you drive?

Irrelevant

Thanks guys, yes exactly! I told him he was treating me like a little girl. I think he definately got the message. I'm hoping stress caused his moment of madness as he has been grumpy lately which i told him too. Hopefully now things will improve abit.

It is true when they say MN is great for advice because all of you really helped me today. Thank you again; you're such lovely people.

Good result, well done.

He is definitely wishing he hadn't complained about the coat now i think!

I still don't like the sound of him based on this thread, but please let us know how things go. xxx

I just realised, he sounds like Mark Drakeford.

Definitely LTB.

Glad things have gone well but i do worry this will be a cycle.. you madexa litvif excuses for him in your messages.

Just watch things carefully

I hope you also mentioned the hypocrisy of him allowing you to help pay off his personal debt earlier in the relationship... something to help drive the point home of you only being a team financially when he benefits him financially!

Break the zip on his coat.... see how long he lasts ..

I am glad to hear your talk was positive. Sometimes we just need that bit of perspective and key points to go and defend yourself with of which you can/do get from threads such as these.