Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

Jeez ... you need a coat ffs! I find it hard to believe you have coped this long without one ! It's freezing , I often wear three! £40 for a decent warm coat is nothing!!

Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear.

You are in an abusive relationship with your H and he is financially abusing you. Financially abusive men are not just solely financially abusive either and there is also verbal and emotional abuse present in your relationship. I would think he can and does buy what he wants to without any input from you (and indeed from your post he does).

Lockdown periods aside, when was the last time you had a haircut or has your eyesight tested?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Would you be willing to speak to Womens Aid; they will also be helpful to you. If you can go into town and go to Boots ask for Ani. The staff will then direct you into one of their consultation rooms where you can access domestic violence support services.

Keep the coat, this is an essential item and it should not be returned.

Not accepting that your children need clothes which fit is disgusting. My toddler is on a mad run of growth spurts and has grown out of the last lot of clothes we got her in 6 weeks. I tend to buy them secondhand on eBay but even that costs money.

How do you split your money? Instead of going off on one why didn’t you ask why he gets non-essentials like headphones and new face products and you don’t get a warm enough coat?

If money is extremely tight I wouldn’t have spent £40 on a coat, you can get great second hand things for a lot less. But if he’s shopping for himself with no thought to your finances you should be able to as well and shoes and clothes that fit your growing child are obviously essential, though they don’t need to be very expensive.

He’s obviously not happy with you being a SAHM and this won’t be the last you hear of it so you need to think about going back to work if your family can afford childcare.

Please make a plan to leave, whether you go through with it or not.
What he is doing isn’t normal.

This is insane! Of course a warm winter coat is essential! Especially wandering at a snails pace after a toddler who presumably gets outside for a daily run around. The idea that you don’t need a warm coat is absolute madness. I don’t know if you’re UK but it’s freezing recently here. Please don’t feel sick when you look at the coat. You need it. Feel angry! I’m so upset for you. His behaviour is so unreasonable and controlling

You should be feeling sick when you look at his headphones etc, not when you look at your necessary clothes. Seems he thinks his family are another of those luxuries which you pay for once and then they don't cost anything going forward. You are all human beings, not just him!

And £40 for a decent coat is extremely good value

He's a selfish arse. But you know that.
Don't engage in any more discussions about the coat. But do NOT take it back, you need a coat and £40 is really reasonable.

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely comments. I wasn’t sure if I was in the wrong but just knew I felt very upset. I did shout and I know that was wrong but he has just constantl went on about it. I think sometimes am I going crazy but then centre myself think it is a winter coat not a diamond ring!
The irony of the situation is when I met him he had a lot of debt which I took on when we moved in together and helped him pay it off! I think because if that time in his life is is scared of debt and I understand that and he doesn’t like the small amount we have currently wanting it paid off which I do understand. He keeps saying if we didn’t have that than the purchase would be fine but at the same time this is a winter coat, I don’t understand what he thinks I should wear instead!

Unfortunately this is a common theme on MN.
The man happily says sure, let's have kids and you can be a SAHM, then turns into a financially controlling, bitter dickhead.

Sorry about the typos, I’ve gotten myself abit upset and still upstairs as have left dh and dcs downstairs.

I don’t understand what he thinks I should wear instead

He doesn't care because he's not a nice person.

The sahm part wasn’t planned originally and I sort of fell into it due to our free childcare source falling through. I struggled at first but have gotten used to it and will look for employment when dc are in school. I am going to do some online courses and try to brush up on my skills in the lead up, I’m aware it won’t be easy and I will have to start at the very bottom.

Men like this hate women a bit.

Yes OP, a winter coat is essential.

No, you shouldn’t be being ‘told off’ by your husband for buying one, especially so cheaply. No, you shouldn’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells. No, you shouldn’t ‘dreadI’ going upstairs in your own home. No, it’s not fair he buys things for himself but doesn’t let you do it.

What else does he do that upsets you OP? Because I’ll be damned if the above is all.

That’s the thing daydream if you met dh you would think he was one of the nicest people you could ever meet. He has changed so much and I don’t recognise him anymore when it comes to how he treats me. He definitely resents me and I can feel it.

@DioneTheDiabolist

Does he have life insurance OP?

That made me laugh out loud!!!

Thats a good plan OP. Make sure any childcare costs are shared between you both.

@Megafedup

That’s the thing daydream if you met dh you would think he was one of the nicest people you could ever meet. He has changed so much and I don’t recognise him anymore when it comes to how he treats me. He definitely resents me and I can feel it.

Ah but they always present themselves this way to the outside world - salt of the earth, lovely bloke, do anything for anyone etc etc

You know different

This is financial abuse btw. I would investigate getting back to work ASAP if I were you

@Megafedup

That’s the thing daydream if you met dh you would think he was one of the nicest people you could ever meet. He has changed so much and I don’t recognise him anymore when it comes to how he treats me. He definitely resents me and I can feel it.

If you think the original good guy is still in there then I would suggest its worth a really frank heart to heart about how you've got where you are and how you're feeling. But do carry on with your plan to re enter the world of work.

He sounds like a peach.

My ex was like this - sucked the joy out of every single purchase, necessary (e.g. new kettle) or otherwise (birthday present for niece).

It took me a very long time to break free from that feeling that I needed his approval for everything. In fact I still have it and have to consciously tell myself it's OK 1) to buy things 2) to get enjoyment from things I buy and 3) it doesn't matter if I am the only one who likes it.

It sounds like you were better off in many ways, especially financially, before him. Did you have a career before?

It wouldn't hurt to get legal advice. You may be better off divorced from him

Thank you @therearefourlights it really is just the money thing mainly. However has been very grumpy but I know he gets tired, and stressed with work. I find his moods do bring me down abit at times as he can sulk and be very quiet at times. He is a good father to the dc and soft with them but is he emotionally supportive to me? No. He is very into himself if that makes sense, and how he is feeling and has to be reminded to think of others. When I first met him he was so happy and carefree and I know house and children brings responsibilities and stress. It seems like I’m living with a completely different person. We have been together since we were young for a little context.

This is horrible. It's not at all normal that he treats you like this. It's not even about the coat. It's about control and is likely abuse. Please speak to someone you trust in real life.

I would start talking about proper budgets and personal spending that is necessary but your choice on what it is spent on. people who are not good at money management often thing don't spend larger amounts but then fritter on coffee and small items without realising that larger items are truly essential and a winter coat is fine. Having said that all bar one of mine was second hand purchased and or free but not quite suitable etc. I have a grey pure wool which is a bit old fashioned but good for formal events like funerals and my own £40 bargain which I also love and DH didn't blink an eye even though at the time we were really tightly budgeted he trusted me not to waste money. I then have about 10 dogwalking coats which are all v tatty and I need to cull lol