Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

He sounds like a pathetic financially abusive dickhead. Wear the coat and enjoy feeling how you do in it. He is a grade A idiot. Do not return the coat or make apologies about buying it. You need a winter coat, you got one. End of story. If he wants to spend all his time discussing a coat then he seriously needs to get a hobby and a life.

@Megafedup

Thank you everyone for being so lovely and understand. I appreciate all of your advice more than you know. His answer when i mention budgets for clothes etc is that we can have a budget for these things when the debt is gone.

And did you refuse to let him spend on anything or budget for anything like clothes for himself when you were paying off his personal debts?

Can you go back into work OP?

@Bluntness100 no where near that

do you have access to bank accounts and money?

You are being financially abused.
How much does he earn? What access to money do you have?

He is financially abusive, OP. Don't waste the rest of your life on him.

He sounds just like my ex. Who just like you describe, was outwardly lovely to everyone but behind closed doors was manipulative and controlling.
I wasn't allowed to spend a penny on myself or our DS, yet he would go out and buy treats for himself and gamble. I wasn't allowed to work as he wanted to keep the control over me.
It all started when DS was born and spiralled from there. It got more serious too.
I would get out the relationship asap, it's no way to live. You don't have to justify buying yourself a coat, which is a necessity not a luxury.

[quote Megafedup]@Bluntness100 no where near that[/quote]
Then you’re eligible for thirty hours free nursery when your kids hit three.

@frazzledasarock that is an excellent point and one I have never thought of.

£40 for a really decent coat is very good value. Good winter coats can easily be in excess of £100 so you’ve found yourself a good deal there and you aren’t taking the piss at all. Your warmth, comfort and health aren’t negotiables IMO. Same for the children and clothes and shoes that fit - it’s just something that you absolutely have to pay for unfortunately. It’s a priority. Seems like you have your priorities in order but he doesn’t.

I feel like you could be being financially controlled here and you may be happier if you can get a job and have your own money, or leave. But honestly I know it’s not always as simple as that.

What happens if you suggest sitting down together and making a monthly budget?

X on savings
X on debt
X on children’s clothes/activities
X fun money each
X on food

Something like that?

How much debt can you be in that you cannot afford a new coat FFS? Debt plan schemes will normally factor in a reasonable amount for Clothing ,Childrens shoes and so on .

Keep the essential coat and ditch the non-essential, financially controlling twat of a husband OP.
You shouldn’t need permission or approval for a £40 winter coat or children’s shoes.

@Bluntness100 we looked into it as we weren’t eligible and only for the 15 hours. Oh maybe because I’m not in full time work.
We discussed it awhile back and it wasn’t worth our while because what I would earn wouldn’t cover childcare costs for younger child.

[quote Megafedup]@RB68 yes exactly that. I do feel irritated that dh hasn’t trusted my judgment as I only ever buy the best quality for the best price available on essential items. He has known me for a lot of years and I’ve never been frivolous, me being frivolous is buying a pair of earrings on eBay for a pound! Since having the dc I only literally buy what we need. The account is joint which is the weird thing. The joint account was Dh’s idea when i was pregnant with dc1.[/quote]
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you having a new coat!!

No, you shouldn't have to look on Ebay.

Do not back down!

You are walking on eggshells around him, worrying about his moods, and feel you need to justify perfectly ordinary actions.
Financial abuse is using money to control another person. What he is doing is financial abuse. It also sounds like he is angry about the debt and using it as an excuse to verbally abuse you.

Have a look at The Freedom Program;
freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/dominator-mr-right.pdf

Good lord OP he is awful. An inexpensive winter coat, and he berates you for it? This is emotional and financial abuse.
How have you ended up with someone so awful?

Fwiw, if I needed a winter coat I'd just pay for it out of our joint account. DH wouldn't blink unless I went mad and spent £££.

I realise your situation is different since you're financially stretched, but you really do need to sit down with him and agree a reasonable spending budget for you both for each month. Just because you're a SAHP and there's not much money doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to buy things that you need/want for yourself. It just means that you need to be more careful than most people. But a coat is a necessity so, in my mind, that should come before most of his and your discretionary purchases. If he's unwilling to do this and give you some spending freedom within the limits of your finances, then you are being financially abused.

Long-term, work and earning your own money is the way back to "freedom" (at least in a financial sense), so definitely think about how you can manoevre yourself so you're in a good position to go back to work, even part-time.

Thank you @chestnutshell and to pp’s I am going to suggest to dh we make a plan today as the one he has obviously isn’t working.

As previous posters have said he is not a good father .
Good fathers do not begrudge buying suitable seasonable clothes and shoes that replace worn /out grown items (particularly footwear) for rapidly growing children.

Good fathers do not begrudge the mother of their children a warm winters coat.
Good fathers do not do the above while also treating themselves to non essentials.

Ffs it’s a coat - we have recently had very cold weather and you do not drive you need a coat - it’s not a pair of Jimmy Choos or a mink bikini.

As others have said you are probably in an abusive relationship.

Get back into work, you put the DC into nursery and both pay nursery fees.

He is not someone who will take financial care of his fmaily. he will make your life a living hell, much like he is currnetly doing, it will only escalate.

Get back into work first.

I'd then transfer every fucking penny from the bank accounts to my own account pack the kids up and leave and get child maintenance sorted through CMS.

He's a shit father, a shit human being and husband.

£39.99 is less than I would budget for a new winter coat, and I am certainly not a person who spends a lot on clothes - almost everything I get is second hand or from the supermarket.

Yes, it is necessary if you don't want to freeze your arse off for at least 4 months of the year.

I would expect a winter coat to last at least two years, longer if good quality (and my weight stays the same!), so the price per wear isn't likely to be very high.

Your husband is being ridiculous.

A warm winter coat in the freezing cold weather we've had lately is most definitely essential.

Your DH is a twat. New headphones certainly aren't essential. Tell him to send them back.

The important thing is whether you're both treated equally re finances. If he can spend on discretionary items without seeking your permission... so can you without seeking his.

The obvious answer is to each have a personal spending budget each month (kids clothes not included - those come out of the joint), but I see he's not willing to do that while you're in debt. So if you don't get discretionary spends... neither does he.

If he says his were cheap, so it's ok... he's talking about a small discretionary budget. Ask him how much is ok to spend each month? You get that too.

Do you have access/sight of bank accounts money, family finances?

Bin the tightwad.