Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

...but there's a wider issue here, which is that you both see the finances as his to control. They're not.

You should have equal access to the accounts, and make decisions on spending arrangements as a couple. He's not the dictator.

Thank you everyone for being so lovely and understand. I appreciate all of your advice more than you know. His answer when i mention budgets for clothes etc is that we can have a budget for these things when the debt is gone.

@Megafedup As you know, that is bollox. Clothes are a necessity.

I will come back and update later after I have had word with dh about a plan and having some money aside for essentials esp for the dc. I will let you all know how it goes. Thank you all for the sensible and well thought out advice I have received; I am very grateful for all of the time you have taken with your replies.

Jeez! What have I just read? A man begrudges his wife an essential winter coat which only cost £40?!?

I’ve just spoke to DP and he agrees with me - your husband is a piece of shit.

You need to get yourself back into work (and he shares the childcare costs) and figure out what you’re going to do from here.

Instinct is screaming LTB so I really think it is ducks in a row time. I’d also be letting friends and family know what he’s been saying. He can only keep this ‘nice guy’ persona going if you continue to lie for him. Let others see him warts and all.

OP, you really deserve better than this.

Of course a winter coat is essential, his headphones and moisturisers aren't.

I think when people are talking about getting cheaper second hand ones they are probably mostly thinking about charity shops - you could normally find coats there for a tenner or less if you were lucky (area dependant). But at the moment all those shops are shut/difficult to get to with little children and no car. That leaves e-bay which, as the OP points out is great if you want to buy a 150 pound cout for 50 pounds but not great for her needs.

"we can have a budget for these when debt is gone" - well that like saying you can have a budget for food when the debt is gone. Some things are essential - childrens clothes, winter coats an food all qualify. Honestly there are so many issues here.

Do you see his pay and have full access to all of the bank accounts? What youre saying about money doesn't seem to add up. If you don't have free childcare hours then he's is a higher earner, but you're in debt and he says you don't have enough money for shoes for your kids. He really is so worried about money that he wants to see his kids without shoes like a Victorian pauper?

I suspect he's syphoning of money into a private savings account.

Btw, they are as much his kids as yours so he should be paying towards shoes and childcare. If you'd stayed working then long term benefits such as pension and pay rise would have helped you. He's nicely got you reliant on him and then grinding you down over every penny.

Does he have a coat? If he cared that much he could probably try ebaying that couldnt he (but I bet that would be a ridiculous suggestion)

I hope he is open to a plan. I'm not sure a man who refuses to accept the need for coats or shoes is going to be reasonable.

I really feel for you, OP. My ExDH refused to give me money for a bra after I lost several stone. I was a SAH mum without a joint account. He said I was selfish because he had just bought a BMW. I left him a few weeks later. Someone who can't recognise or accept the basic needs of others is no one to be in a partnership with.

@Megafedup. Don't forget that the happiness a good, warm coat brings is incalculable. If DH begrudged me a warm coat, I would moan so much and so continuously that he would soon change his tune and buy it himself for me. I'd also steal his and, if he complained, remind him that it was him who said we couldn't afford two coats.

So when he had personal debt before kids, he was happy to treat is as joint debt and let you help pay it off. And you didn't feel entitled to question his purchases including essential ones like, say, a £40 coat.

But now you have actual joint debt from your joint life and the cost of having children, he feels entitled to question your purchases including essential ones like a £40 coat to keep you warm.

Is he kidding?! So the burden of his personal debt was yours to share without question and the joint debt is yours to share with him acting as the gatekeeper to money.

OP, he's a prick. At best a selfish, hypocritical bad partner. At worst financially abusive and cruel.

If I was you, I would be checking what I was entitled to if I left him. He sounds like a passive aggressive bully. I wouldn't want to have kids growing up around that especially as it reveals a thinly veiled misogyny - whatever the money situation is at any one time, he feels he should get the final say.

Hi OP. In your situation, I would get out a copy of the bank statement and highlight all of his 'cheap' personal purchases, add them up over the course of a month or two, just to check out how cheap they really are, compared to a bargain of a much NEEDED winter coat, in winter!

I wasn’t sure if I was in the wrong but just knew I felt very upset

He is financially controlling you. He's using your emotions as the means of control.

There is something that you need to understand about emotions: they are never wrong. And if you express them calmly to your partner they should be respected. Even the difficult and unwelcome emotions.

If you are unable to express your feelings to your partner for fear of repercussions, the relationship is unhealthy, and you need to leave. It doesn't matter who is 'wrong' and who is 'right'. There are no external rules regarding emotions, so if you feel crap, that has to be your guide.

I thought everyone on under £100k was eligible for some free childcare, because it's good socialisation and a change in environment for DC so it doesn't matter if you don't work, you still get it?

Anyway. OP, of course a modestly priced coat is essential and you should both have equal spending money after the essentials have been covered. You're looking after his DC while he's at work and probably a lot more cooking, cleaning and laundry than he does so are more than pulling your weight.

Is his complaint that he sees new looking coats in your wardrobe and thinks you can wear one of them?
And, if you do have new looking coast in your wardrobe that you'll never wear again, why not sell some of them to offset the cost of the new coat?

Fuck 'do you drive', you deserve a coat either way.
Fuck 'get yourself back into work to find a way to leave', just leave and get some advice from CAB on what you're entitled to.

You deserve better.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He is not a good father to his DC if he treats you, and in turn them, like you are all being treated. He is the Dictator in your house and such men can come across as quite plausible to those in the outside world. I would think that perhaps one or two people you know have their own private based suspicions about your H.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
Ultimately your relationship is over because of the abuse he metes out towards you and in turn your DC who are also seeing this at first hand. This is no legacy to show them. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what do you think they are learning here?. Would you want them to be treated as you are by their partner in their own adult relationship, no you would not. But currently at least, you are showing them that this is still acceptable to you on some level.

I would also think he will actively try and stop all your attempts to get back into the workplace. He will not co-operate with you here on any level because he is abusive. Silent treatment and sulking are also examples of emotional abuse, such men are rarely if ever only financially abusive.

When we had small children we were in debt and it was very stressful. DH didn't want to even look at the money. So I wrote a budget, shared it with him and it did get better. It sounds like you have enough to cover the essentials, and if course a coat is essential. He's a complete dick having a go at you, particularly if he's still spending on himself.

You need a joint budget that you both agree is fair, covers essentials for everyone and pays off debt asap. If your partner isn't up for that and continues to berate you spending on essentials I would make a plan to leave.

This is why I never considered being a SAHM (among other reasons) - I would never allow a man to tell me what I could and couldn't buy. £40 is nothing for a coat! Wear it and enjoy it.

Who ran up the debt, I wonder?

He is being controlling and abusive. You need a warm coat. He gets to buy things he wants/needs and you don't? I don't think so!

OP hasn't responded to the questions about whether she has access to money or bank accounts.

She sounds like she hasn't got a clue how much money her H is earning.

A new winter coat for £40 - the rest of the first paragraph is irrelevant - there is no need to justify it. You as an adult, aware of your financial situation, decided you needed it rather than just wanted it.

I would think you both need to sort out a budget - setting aside a certain amount every month for clothes shoes etc for the family and what you don't spend one month rolls into the next and then you have cash at hand if the kids or either for you need big expenses (not that a £40 coat is a big expense).

Essentially I think you need to get back in control of the finances. Just because you aren't working outside the home, doesn't mean you are not equally contributing to the family.

He’ll find finances are a lot fucking worse if you have to pay for emergency childcare if you come down with pneumonia.

Because that’s all he sees you as, isn’t it? Some sort of free childcare/maid/chef? Because although there are some special bastards who treat their employees like he’s treating you, surely nobody - however much of a year- can disregard their PARTNER’S comfort and health in that way?

When was the last time you went to the hairdressers, had a dental checkup or visit the opticians for an eye test?. I would think even lockdowns aside, you have visited none of these places within the last two years or if you have its been very much a one off visit. I would think he gets his haircut far more often than you do. Same with dental and opticians appointments (if applicable.

Good luck with the talk. Of course you should be able to buy yourself a coat and shoes for the kids without being made to feel bad. Just make sure whatever he promises during the chat that he actually follows through with it.