Dh says a winter coat isn’t essential?

[Megafedup]

It all started when I bought myself a new winter coat costing £39.99. I never buy myself anything and it is extremely high quality for the price and will last for years (a rare find). I haven’t bought a new coat in years and the one I had that I have worn repeatedly was falling apart (it was well worn.) The others I own that are more new looking but again had for years and don’t fit anymore (not since I’ve had kids and lock down etc.) Although I am losing weight I will never be that size again! I really loved the coat and feel more like me and really nice in it (a feeling I haven’t had since having dc) and losing a lot of confidence. I tried it on and my husband just frowned and couldn’t say anything nice.
DH has done nothing but complain about the fact I bought this coat when we are tight for money, I see it as an essential because I need a warm coat for the cold. Now when i say my child needs a new pair of shoes as has outgrown the ones he has my husband will shout ‘well you bought that coat!’ I feel extremely upset and angry to the point I blew up at him this morning as so sick of him constantly berating me for the coat. I realise I was wrong and shouldn’t have lost my temper but I can’t bare anymore of his under the breath comments about it. I have explained endlessness how I needed the coat and realise we don’t have the money. However he has bought himself new clothes recently yet he doesn’t bring that up only my coat. He will also buy new headphones, moisturisers etc (albeit cheap) but on a whim and his purchases add up for himself yet that is fine. He will find money I’ve noticed when it is for things he wants. I am walking on eggshells and feel like a little girl getting told off on the rare occasion I buy something (even essential items for the dc.) The whole situation is really getting me down and I am sick of having to fight and argue for essentials for the dc too. Every time my toddler goes into the next size up it all starts again. I think dh would leave dc in 2 sizes too small if he had his way and never seems to notice when anything new is needed so I am always the bad guy.
For context I am a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. Sorry for rambling on and thank you if you got through it all.

[quote Megafedup]@RB68 yes exactly that. I do feel irritated that dh hasn’t trusted my judgment as I only ever buy the best quality for the best price available on essential items. He has known me for a lot of years and I’ve never been frivolous, me being frivolous is buying a pair of earrings on eBay for a pound! Since having the dc I only literally buy what we need. The account is joint which is the weird thing. The joint account was Dh’s idea when i was pregnant with dc1.[/quote]

He doesn't actually think you're being frivolous, even though that's what he might say. The issue is that he sees it as HIS money, so he resents you spending it. Even though you are contributing to the household by providing childcare (which he would otherwise have to pay for!)

He sounds selfish as well as financially abusive. Start making a plan ASAP to get back into work so you can leave him.

Like a pp I am also concerned this will become a cycle. This is financial abuse and coercive control. And it's not about a coat.

In 2003 I visited the UK was struck by how COLD it was & bought a H&M winter coat for 40 pounds. It was so warm & lasted 15 years before I replaced it (and it was still in wearable condition)

It was a necessary purchase in your country that's for sure. You are allowed to buy it & love it.Don't be ashamed of the fact you had to buy yourself something to keep warm - the cost per wear will make it worth the buy.

Your husband is a dickhead & as you say, bet all his little treats add up to over 40 pounds.

Rolled my eyes at him having to buy headphones - to me that is a complete luxury purchase.

I could never live with someone like this.

I'd be careful OP. Sometimes partners say oh I'm sorry then they're back at it.
My dh is/was like yours. And my financial abuse started like you described. My dh earns over £100k so I don't even get dc benefit as it's inconvenient to dh to sort the taxes out, apparently

You must get a job. Without one you are trapped. If you were in a loving caring relationship you may get away with being a sahp but this isn't that. It's good you stuck up for yourself but I would work to protect yourself. If you work dh can contribute towards childcare be that financially or otherwise.
It really is the only way to balance things out. And also to prevent you from further isolating yourself.and I'll bet money your dh will tell you you can't afford a job or it's better that you're at home because otherwise 'everything would go on childcare'.

And regardless it is still better even if all the money is going on childcare because you're a lot less vulnerable to the abuse op.

@squishysunshine you do know that by not claiming the CB that you are not getting your pension stamps.....

That sounds like a good outcome, @Megafedup - hopefully if he can see the finances are under control he'll stop flipping out over random purchases that you've made in future.

Thanks @combatbarbie I was a sahm for less than a year, things got really bad (dh saying why have a used another bin bag when I could have squashed the rubbish down more etc using too much dish soap when doing the washing up)
If anyone is interested you can check your personal pension with hmrc online. I haven't ever not worked a whole year so it's fine without dc benefit.

As soon as I became a sahm I realised this was no way to live, I actually went to a solicitors to talk divorce and the solicitor told me it would look better if I got a pt job. Once I got my pt job things got better. I now get my salary paid into my own account I recommend this OP find a way and don't let dh tell you it's because of childcare you can't work. It's shouldn't be like this.