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Original poster

A guy I have been seeing for 3 months didn’t do anything for me on valentines

247 replies

lovewarandroses · 15/02/2021 12:09

Hi guys I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive or if i’m justifiable in feeling this way ... so I met a guy who I thought was amazing three months ago on a dating app ...the thing is I see him once every week but what I’m pissed off with is the fact that he only texted me happy Valentine’s... he didn’t arrange to meet up with me .... do I have a right to be annoyed or am I overreacting??? I really wanted to spend Valentine’s with him and I feel let down .....

OP posts:
Hubblebubble75 · 16/02/2021 10:09

I never said anything about sex being a reward?! It’s not the1950s but not everything is meant to change completely when it works. I’m all for equality, of course, I’m a woman why wouldn’t I want that! Jeez. Equality, as in matching what he does in those early days - initiating dates, ringing him, sending him gifts etc doesn’t give you a chance to figure out if he can be bothered enough and likes you enough to make those things happen by himself. When you know he can and he does like you - go for it by all means. My dh and I have a very equal relationship, I knew by date 4 he really liked me as he was arranging dates, wanting to meet up several times a week, calling me and bought me a birthday gift. So after I was sure of his feelings I reciprocated and organised meet ups etc
I really don’t agree that someone who is romantic and does those gestures is probably a narcissist - what tosh !

MissingLinker · 16/02/2021 10:19

@Hubblebubble75

I never said anything about sex being a reward?! It’s not the1950s but not everything is meant to change completely when it works. I’m all for equality, of course, I’m a woman why wouldn’t I want that! Jeez. Equality, as in matching what he does in those early days - initiating dates, ringing him, sending him gifts etc doesn’t give you a chance to figure out if he can be bothered enough and likes you enough to make those things happen by himself. When you know he can and he does like you - go for it by all means. My dh and I have a very equal relationship, I knew by date 4 he really liked me as he was arranging dates, wanting to meet up several times a week, calling me and bought me a birthday gift. So after I was sure of his feelings I reciprocated and organised meet ups etc I really don’t agree that someone who is romantic and does those gestures is probably a narcissist - what tosh !
So, you don't think there'd be an issue with both partners expecting this? Not out of selfishness, necessarily, but out of a misplaced idea that it was the role of the other person to prove their love and devotion before they themselves should bother? By all means look after yourself at the start of a relationship and don't throw yourself at the first person who looks at you, but you can't then be put out when they do exactly the same thing.
SimonJT · 16/02/2021 10:20

So after I was sure of his feelings I reciprocated and organised meet ups etc

This isn’t equality, this is game playing and treating yourself as an object to be won. No ides why you would choose to treat someone in a way that you yourself don’t want to be treated.

unicornsarereal72 · 16/02/2021 10:23

I'm not one for a fuss. But it is important to me to be remembered. A card and my favourite biscuits. Shows someone cares and is thoughtful. But this goes both ways. Speak up to what your expectations are.

Hubblebubble75 · 16/02/2021 10:26

It’s not game playing - i wanted time be sure of his feelings first through evidence of them. Why is it game playing to look after yourself?
I get really annoyed with the game playing crap - it’s having some self worth.

SimonJT · 16/02/2021 10:28

@Hubblebubble75

It’s not game playing - i wanted time be sure of his feelings first through evidence of them. Why is it game playing to look after yourself? I get really annoyed with the game playing crap - it’s having some self worth.
It is standard game playing. Choosing to treat someone in a way you yourself aren’t willing to be treated is also very unpleasant. Your actions shows that if he looked after himself in the same manner as you you would have left him.
Hubblebubble75 · 16/02/2021 10:33

Whatever equality in romance people speak about just does not hold true between men and women at the start. If a guy likes you he will show it and make an effort. It’s as simple as that.
If he doesn’t want to put in the effort then he isn’t interested. This is traditionally the case and is always the case!
Men and women are different , sorry if that’s not woke but we are. The way we act in romance and life is different, there are thousands of books on our differences.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2021 10:35

@Hubblebubble75

Those shuddering on here etc are the same people giving crap advice to posters about chasing guys who make no effort. I’ve seen hundreds of posters doing this on threads and then the op gets hurt / ghosted etc when the guy doesn’t reply. If she had actually looked at his initial behaviour then she had the answer herself. If a guy asked no effort he isn’t into you. Good luck though to those of you who do that 👍🏻 You’ll take the cruddy blokes off the market hopefully
Get control of yourself and calm down. Not one person has suggested chasing a guy, not one. We can all read the thread and seeing that, no one is stupid enough to read your post and think “oh gosh really” we can all see it’s not true

Peoooe are saying you should treat others like you yourself would wish to be treated, that you start off as you mean to go on, on an equal footing. Playing games and treating someone in a way you’d personally find it unacceptable to be treated is not ok behaviour

Then lashing out and saying if you behave equal to your partner you’re chasing someone who is making no effort is frankly quite silly.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2021 10:37

@Hubblebubble75

Whatever equality in romance people speak about just does not hold true between men and women at the start. If a guy likes you he will show it and make an effort. It’s as simple as that. If he doesn’t want to put in the effort then he isn’t interested. This is traditionally the case and is always the case! Men and women are different , sorry if that’s not woke but we are. The way we act in romance and life is different, there are thousands of books on our differences.
Your still missing the point and making stuff up

No one said you should be with someone who doesn’t put in an effort. What was said was you should put in equal effort. Have an equal voice.

Hubblebubble75 · 16/02/2021 10:38

@Bluntness100 you haven’t understood but never mind

SimonJT · 16/02/2021 10:40

@Hubblebubble75

Whatever equality in romance people speak about just does not hold true between men and women at the start. If a guy likes you he will show it and make an effort. It’s as simple as that. If he doesn’t want to put in the effort then he isn’t interested. This is traditionally the case and is always the case! Men and women are different , sorry if that’s not woke but we are. The way we act in romance and life is different, there are thousands of books on our differences.
Ah, so you’ve read thousands of books that are sexist crap. Men and women are different, sadly some parents teach their daughters that they are little princesses deserving of attention, rather than teaching them to be equal. Teaching a girl to simper and wait while a man is in charge is very very irresponsible.

You’re still happy to treat someone in a way that you think is unpleasant.

Hubblebubble75 · 16/02/2021 10:41

Im saying this guy HASN’T put in any effort. That’s the point. If he had tried to meet on Valentine’s, Sent her a card, or had sent a text with something better than ‘happy Valentines’ jeezzz (how impersonal !) then go for it. At the moment his effort seems to be as far as meeting once a week for sex ( probably)

Hubblebubble75 · 16/02/2021 10:43

No it’s teaching women to have respect , boundaries and love themselves. It would save a lot of women from the shite behaviour on these threads that’s for sure!

SimonJT · 16/02/2021 10:43

@Hubblebubble75

Im saying this guy HASN’T put in any effort. That’s the point. If he had tried to meet on Valentine’s, Sent her a card, or had sent a text with something better than ‘happy Valentines’ jeezzz (how impersonal !) then go for it. At the moment his effort seems to be as far as meeting once a week for sex ( probably)
He has put in more effort than the OP, the OP hasn’t even bothered to communicate effectively.

You think he is not putting in effort, yet the OP is putting in even less and you don’t find that problematic.

Suagar · 16/02/2021 10:45

@Hubblebubble75

Those shuddering on here etc are the same people giving crap advice to posters about chasing guys who make no effort. I’ve seen hundreds of posters doing this on threads and then the op gets hurt / ghosted etc when the guy doesn’t reply. If she had actually looked at his initial behaviour then she had the answer herself. If a guy asked no effort he isn’t into you. Good luck though to those of you who do that 👍🏻 You’ll take the cruddy blokes off the market hopefully
100% this. If the OP and this guy she's "seeing" who's she's a booty call for, end up in a proper relationship, you can just see her several years down the line complaining he's dragging his feet about proposing. I've come to realise some people just have no ability to read clear signs that are obvious to others. Unfortunately it's almost like these women WANT their time to be wasted and have their hearts broken. There's no talking them out of it. It's like feminism never happened for them and they impulsively feel the need to let men use them and have relationships on the man's terms.

Also that's a good point, since they are women out there intent on choosing and wasting time on crap guys, it means there are more good men available for the women who want them. In the end everyone gets what they want.

SimonJT · 16/02/2021 10:46

@Hubblebubble75

No it’s teaching women to have respect , boundaries and love themselves. It would save a lot of women from the shite behaviour on these threads that’s for sure!
No, it teaches women that not only are they prizes to be won, but also that they are not allowed to ‘make a move’ or have equal control until they have dutifully simpered enough to please man.

Your method also teaches boys not to have respect, boundaries or love for themselves.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2021 10:46

Hubble equal effort means just that. Equal. Putting rh same level of effort in each, he is putting in a lot more effort than her. She doesn’t suggest dates, she doesn’t offer to meet up, she says she got him a card, she doesn’t say she actually gave it to him.

The point peoole are trying to make is after three months she should be at the point where if she wishes to see him she should be saying so. Not sitting waiting for him to always suggest it and making no effort other than saying yes and turning up.

Cadent · 16/02/2021 10:48

Hubblebubble75

*Those shuddering on here etc are the same people giving crap advice to posters about chasing guys who make no effort. I’ve seen hundreds of posters doing this on threads and then the op gets hurt / ghosted etc when the guy doesn’t reply.;

This is such bullshit. Can you post an example of a thread where someone has given advice to chase a guy who makes no effort? Confused You say there are 'hundreds' so this must be easy for you to do?

SimonJT · 16/02/2021 10:48

It's like feminism never happened for them and they impulsively feel the need to let men use them and have relationships on the man's terms.

It is like feminism never happened when women are advocating for women to sit and simper instead of effectively communicating and having an equal footing.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2021 10:49

No, it teaches women that not only are they prizes to be won, but also that they are not allowed to ‘make a move’ or have equal control until they have dutifully simpered enough to please man

This. Relationships should always be equal. We are not little women waiting patiently for men to decide if they want us or not. Scared to use our voices, to make demands, to dictate our needs ans wants. No woman should be told she should be sitting on her hands, keeping her mouth shut and waiting for a man to decide if and when he wants to see her.

That’s why everyone is objecting to yout posts. Relationships need to be equal. They need to start equal and stay equal. Telling women to sit and home and shut their faces and wait for the man to decide if and when he deems to see them isn’t ok,

Cadent · 16/02/2021 10:50

No, it teaches women that not only are they prizes to be won, but also that they are not allowed to ‘make a move’ or have equal control until they have dutifully simpered enough to please man.

Not to mention the obligation it places on women to continue to see a man, just because he has been taking her out, paying for dates etc.

Hubblebubble75 · 16/02/2021 10:50

I’m sure when the op sees him she’s putting in effort to show how much she’s enjoying time with him.
She was hoping he’d increase from weekly to more frequent meet ups. Why should she have to tell him? If he likes her - he should feel the desire to see her more often. He should want to increase the meet ups. Op wouldn’t have the anxiety to start this thread - she started it because he isn’t showing he’s keen at all. She’s now asking him to meet up - she’ll probably end up driving all the meet ups and texts etc now so not equal at all and still anxious because she doesn’t really know if he actually likes her or is just getting his jolly while he waits for someone he likes better

MissingLinker · 16/02/2021 10:51

I think SimonJT has put it more neatly than I have. You are expecting someone to behave in a way which you wouldn't behave yourself before you decide to put the effort in.

Men and women are different. Obviously.
But neither have innate mind reading abilities to know what their partner wants for Valentine's Day. And neither has the edge on remembering to text your partner to meet up.

Cadent · 16/02/2021 10:52

@Hubblebubble75

I’m sure when the op sees him she’s putting in effort to show how much she’s enjoying time with him. She was hoping he’d increase from weekly to more frequent meet ups. Why should she have to tell him? If he likes her - he should feel the desire to see her more often. He should want to increase the meet ups. Op wouldn’t have the anxiety to start this thread - she started it because he isn’t showing he’s keen at all. She’s now asking him to meet up - she’ll probably end up driving all the meet ups and texts etc now so not equal at all and still anxious because she doesn’t really know if he actually likes her or is just getting his jolly while he waits for someone he likes better
oh sweet Jesus.
Hubblebubble75 · 16/02/2021 10:54

@cadent certainly , there are loads

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1820948-Should-I-text-him-first

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