A guy I have been seeing for 3 months didn’t do anything for me on valentines

[lovewarandroses]

Hi guys I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive or if i’m justifiable in feeling this way ... so I met a guy who I thought was amazing three months ago on a dating app ...the thing is I see him once every week but what I’m pissed off with is the fact that he only texted me happy Valentine’s... he didn’t arrange to meet up with me .... do I have a right to be annoyed or am I overreacting??? I really wanted to spend Valentine’s with him and I feel let down .....

Obviously not all the advice 🤦‍♀️ Good luck though !

So when he messaged you saying he can’t wait to see you did he say when?

@AgentJohnson

and who in their right mind would be upset if a man gave you a box of handmade Belgian chocolates.

Er, me. Generic gifts for a bullshit day don’t impress me.

Contrary to popular belief not every woman thinks Valentine’s Day is something to be celebrated. The pressure on men to perform for such a shameless commercial event is laughable.

I think it’s telling OP that you expected a grand gesture from him but you only bought him a card, entitled much. If you don’t want to be disappointed, then you need to be explicit with your expectations.

God, why is it the woke brigade have to make everything so miserable

I am sure you'll find someone, or even have found someone equally as determined to suck the joy out of any bit of fun we get to have.

Yeah we have agreed to meet this Friday .... I’m really happy ... I really like this guy ...

Seriously?

You are right to have standards that you expect him to meet, but you need to let him know what they are to give him a fighting chance!

He probably assumed you weren't bothered either as you didn't mention anything.

Hone your communication skills on these small things or you'll really struggle with the big ones.

@lovewarandroses

He just messaged me saying he can’t wait to see me ... I’m excited ... I didn’t end up asking him when we are meeting as he messaged me before I could do that ... thanks for the advice from now on I will be like I’m free on xyz, fancy meeting up ... and see what he says .... I’m taking all the advice on board so thank you all ...

Good for you. You should always set out to have an equal relationship. Expecting men to make the first move at the beginning is one thing, albeit not something everyone agrees with, expecting a certain level of effort is also a good thing. But being passive, waiting to be asked, not communicating, three months down the line, is not good. Not even slightly.

Always aim for equal effort. Equal say. An equal voice. That’s how relationships are successful.

I have never understood Valentines to be anything other than a gimmick, traditionally a day for Clinton Cards! Its all s bit...cringe. I wouldn't base how he feels about you on this at all. I've been seeing someone nearly a year and didn't get him anything for Valentines (he bought me something ) and honestly this has zero to do with how I feel. I forgot it was even the day, so your bf did better than I did. Only very few millennials I know celebrate this.

Good for him.

Ignoring the ridiculous commercialised nonsense of Valentine’s Day would win him a gold star from me. It shows he isn’t a sheep and is capable of thinking for himself.

@AgeLikeWine

Good for him.

Ignoring the ridiculous commercialised nonsense of Valentine’s Day would win him a gold star from me. It shows he isn’t a sheep and is capable of thinking for himself.

But if a reach,,😂 it could be he’s a lazy bastard, a tight one, or he was fed up of doing the leg work. I don’t think there’s enough info to decide his motivation,,

I think the first Valentine’s Day is kind of special- it’s one of your first chances to show you care, even if it is in a commercialised way. After that, when the relationship is more established you can say it’s a crap day and you won’t bother. But in the first year missing it is a bit like saying you don’t care much.

But anyway - hope all goes well from here on OP

@Honeyroar I think the first chance to show how much he cares is how he treats you but maybe that's just me...

If he’s not meeting expectations just up your texting, phone calls, demand more time together .. that’ll make him like you more ..

Sorry but this is just childish. Do you think women are prizes to be won then? What hope do you have of having an equal relationship —a partnership —if one partner is expected to put in all the effort and the other to just sit there looking pretty? Effort works both ways.

Yes you’re right, it’s just a kind of PDA, I suppose. Probably just a quirk for me. I don’t care a not about valentines nowadays, it always have in the early stages!

@AgentJohnson

and who in their right mind would be upset if a man gave you a box of handmade Belgian chocolates.

Er, me. Generic gifts for a bullshit day don’t impress me.

Contrary to popular belief not every woman thinks Valentine’s Day is something to be celebrated. The pressure on men to perform for such a shameless commercial event is laughable.

I think it’s telling OP that you expected a grand gesture from him but you only bought him a card, entitled much. If you don’t want to be disappointed, then you need to be explicit with your expectations.

This. If someone who had genuinely got to know me for three months got me some trite card and a bouquet of flowers, it would suggest he really, really hadn’t been listening.

Seriously? You make a whole thread about how this has upset you.

Now he messages to see you on Friday night & you will put all your feelings aside & just grateful he is paying you attention.

This is desperate behaviour!

Also what is the bet that sex & drinking occurs on Friday?

Do you know where he was on Sunday?

If you guys are playing it so cool that you're not even meant to mention V day then this is a shag buddy, you're barely dating.

The sneeriness on here about cards, chocolates and flowers makes me chuckle - so many women bending over backwards to prove that they are somehow mysterious and special and thus above such "trite", "generic", "shameless commercial" gifts. It's all very Gillian Flynn "cool wife", isn't it?

I bloody love a bouquet of flowers and the fact that DH gets me one every year proves how well he knows me.

@MintySpice

If he’s not meeting expectations just up your texting, phone calls, demand more time together .. that’ll make him like you more ..

Sorry but this is just childish. Do you think women are prizes to be won then? What hope do you have of having an equal relationship —a partnership —if one partner is expected to put in all the effort and the other to just sit there looking pretty? Effort works both ways.

Yeah I think we are pretty special actually. I never went out with the lazy guy that couldn’t be arsed at the start of a relationship- because he’ll be a lazy arse husband ( like so many on mn) op was a putting in effort , she’s going on dates and I’m sure being lovely and she got him a card for valentines. He is doing nothing . I assume they are just meeting at his or hers for sex ( please correct if I’m wrong op?) Or a quick park walk before sex. He couldn’t be arsed with a day that he had the opportunity to at least ask about meeting or send a card. Yeah he sounds like a real catch. Not enough women value themselves - there’s being equal WHEN he shows you he is really into you and then there’s being desperate and chasing after someone who hasn’t shown those things. With my dh I organised dates when he had shown me his effort and intentions first. It’s not game playing, it’s looking after your heart, looking after no 1 - yourself. I never worried about being ghosted, being mistreated or would they remember my birthday. Who wants to be with a guy who doesn’t care and doesn’t put any effort in at the start!

What if both have that attitude of looking after number 1 though? I agree with others that it sets a precedent for the relationship and often not in a good way.

The sneeriness on here about cards, chocolates and flowers makes me chuckle - so many women bending over backwards to prove that they are somehow mysterious and special and thus above such "trite", "generic", "shameless commercial" gifts

I bloody love a bouquet of flowers and the fact that DH gets me one every year proves how well he knows me.

That's great but why can't you accept that someone else doesn't love a bouquet of flowers? And flowers would show how much a person didn't know them? It's not sneeriness. Its difference.

I personally do think that flowers and chocolates are unimaginative. To me, it's the equivalent of watching Saturday night telly because that's what people do; or blokes who go to the pub every Satirday to watch the football because that's what men do; or watching reality TV because that's what everyone does without actually applying any thought to it - is that what I like?

Commercialised romance.

To me, romance is about doing little things for someone that make them feel seen, heard and special. Things that show you've noticed them and want to make them feel cherished.

If flowers do that for you then that's great. They don't do it for me.

That's not because I'm 'cool' or denying myself something I'd secretly love. Its because i genuinely don't think that a bunch of flowers is the epitome of romance. It would say nothing about what a person knew of me.

Would I be rude or ungrateful? Of course not, but i would be a bit disappointed that they'd spent their money on flowers and not something that showed they really knew me.

I'm not sue why it's so hard for some people to understand that people like different things. And that's kinda the point...

@CavernousScream

I think that after three months, someone who has any serious potential as a long-term partner would probably either make at least a token gesture or mention that they’re not into Valentine’s Day. Did you do anything for him?

I agree. card and/or flowers is pretty normal, or else be up front and say you don't do it.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

The sneeriness on here about cards, chocolates and flowers makes me chuckle - so many women bending over backwards to prove that they are somehow mysterious and special and thus above such "trite", "generic", "shameless commercial" gifts. It's all very Gillian Flynn "cool wife", isn't it?

I bloody love a bouquet of flowers and the fact that DH gets me one every year proves how well he knows me.

And the response of 'cool girl' or 'cool wife' which so often greets posters who don't think love is a giant pink teddy bear holding a heart and a bunch of supermarket blooms, or whose response to their significant other having female friends isn't hysterically territorial suggests a real sense of threatenedness on the part of those who say it.

And suggests they fail in basic comprehension, even of a dimwit thriller. Gillian Flyyn's 'Cool Girl' is a male invention, a male fantasy woman who likes everything the male inventing her likes, and never complains.

Are you in fact suggesting that the women who have expressed indifference or actual scorn towards Valentine's Day cards that say I LOVE YOU BEARY MUCH or SUCKER FOR YOU or UNLIKE MY BIG TOE I WANT TO BANG YOU ON THE COFFEE TABLE are doing so because they are desperate to fulfil a putative male desire not to buy pink crap?

@gutful

Seriously? You make a whole thread about how this has upset you.

Now he messages to see you on Friday night & you will put all your feelings aside & just grateful he is paying you attention.

This is desperate behaviour!

Also what is the bet that sex & drinking occurs on Friday?

Do you know where he was on Sunday?

If you guys are playing it so cool that you're not even meant to mention V day then this is a shag buddy, you're barely dating.

Sorry Op I have to agree with this. You were pissed off he hadn't made any effort on Valentine's day, you felt let down, you were reassessing the whole relationship and doubting your future together.

Now after receiving a text saying He can't wait to see you (he didn't specify when) all your feelings are forgotten, you're excited and really love him.

Start communicating properly with him; make your feelings known, tell him you were disappointed he didn't send you a card on VD because you like that sort of thing.
I know he's a few years older than you but that shouldn't mean the dynamic is so skewed that he calls all the shots and you're ridiculously grateful for anything from him.

If he doesn’t put in the initial effort because he’s looking after no 1 and expects the woman to - then he wouldn’t be the one for me or any other woman hopefully. Too many woman want to chase and show as much equality as possible in those early days. Romance isn’t like work or society in general, it really should be the guy laying his cards on the table before you do, there’s no case for ‘ tell him you miss him , want to meet up, tell him you want clarity on where this is going’ etc etc if a guy likes you - you’ll have no doubts and don’t need to do any of this anxious wondering or worrying . You know because he SHOWS you !

@Hubblebubble75

If he doesn’t put in the initial effort because he’s looking after no 1 and expects the woman to - then he wouldn’t be the one for me or any other woman hopefully. Too many woman want to chase and show as much equality as possible in those early days. Romance isn’t like work or society in general, it really should be the guy laying his cards on the table before you do, there’s no case for ‘ tell him you miss him , want to meet up, tell him you want clarity on where this is going’ etc etc if a guy likes you - you’ll have no doubts and don’t need to do any of this anxious wondering or worrying . You know because he SHOWS you !

OP

Please don’t do the above creepy game playing.