A guy I have been seeing for 3 months didn’t do anything for me on valentines

[lovewarandroses]

Hi guys I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive or if i’m justifiable in feeling this way ... so I met a guy who I thought was amazing three months ago on a dating app ...the thing is I see him once every week but what I’m pissed off with is the fact that he only texted me happy Valentine’s... he didn’t arrange to meet up with me .... do I have a right to be annoyed or am I overreacting??? I really wanted to spend Valentine’s with him and I feel let down .....

Are you in fact suggesting that the women who have expressed indifference or actual scorn towards Valentine's Day cards that say I LOVE YOU BEARY MUCH or SUCKER FOR YOU or UNLIKE MY BIG TOE I WANT TO BANG YOU ON THE COFFEE TABLE are doing so because they are desperate to fulfil a putative male desire not to buy pink crap?

I think she is.

I suspect she'd also shudder in horror that I didnt have a big white wedding and that, not being a girl who had spent her entire childhood dreaming of her wedding day, I got married during a camping weekend, at a registry office and with no guests other than the witnesses. Which was my choice. My husband would have been well up for a big fancy do!

In fact, it was his inability to accept that I didn't want teddies and chocolates all the time that contributed to us splitting up. We just weren't compatible. He wanted to buy the pink crap but I didnt want to receive it.

Clearly you're just in denial, @SorryStateOfAffairs, and are now mourning the absence of a big white meringue, a squad of bridesmaids, and a choreographed first dance routine from your life. Not to mention an annual giant teddy holding a heart.

As am I, given that we got married in my lunchbreak and both went back to work afterwards. I adore my husband, and I'm delighted we're married, but I can honestly say I have given more thought to which film to see than to our wedding.

@Hubblebubble75

If he doesn’t put in the initial effort because he’s looking after no 1 and expects the woman to - then he wouldn’t be the one for me or any other woman hopefully. Too many woman want to chase and show as much equality as possible in those early days. Romance isn’t like work or society in general, it really should be the guy laying his cards on the table before you do, there’s no case for ‘ tell him you miss him , want to meet up, tell him you want clarity on where this is going’ etc etc if a guy likes you - you’ll have no doubts and don’t need to do any of this anxious wondering or worrying . You know because he SHOWS you !

Shudder.

[quote elenacampana]@coronaway

Definitely. Some of the responses here show how miserable some women are 🤣.[/quote]
Or even how so many women just expect to sit on their arse and have a man do everything for them.

If you can’t even make a suggestion of what to do then there is something very wrong.

Or even how so many women just expect to sit on their arse and have a man do everything for them.

Yes!

Tbh, it's really irritating to read the posts suggesting that he should be making the effort to she is the prize etc. At some point (and by 3 months you should have reached it) that, an an autonomous person with agency in your own life, you should be communicating what you want and need.

Those shuddering on here etc are the same people giving crap advice to posters about chasing guys who make no effort. I’ve seen hundreds of posters doing this on threads and then the op gets hurt / ghosted etc when the guy doesn’t reply. If she had actually looked at his initial behaviour then she had the answer herself. If a guy asked no effort he isn’t into you. Good luck though to those of you who do that 👍🏻 You’ll take the cruddy blokes off the market hopefully

@SorryStateOfAffairs

Or even how so many women just expect to sit on their arse and have a man do everything for them.

Yes!

Tbh, it's really irritating to read the posts suggesting that he should be making the effort to she is the prize etc. At some point (and by 3 months you should have reached it) that, an an autonomous person with agency in your own life, you should be communicating what you want and need.

I do agree by three months in , it should be an equal partnership - I’m not saying the woman is a total drip doing nothing. However , ops guy is seeing her once a week and what is he organising really ? What effort is he making ? He had a chance to do something on Valentine’s Day. If they are having sex when they meet - well there’s a big incentive for him once a week! He doesn’t seem to have shown he’s that into her at all. That’s my point. Once he shows that - absolutely fine to be putting in effort yourself as you’re on safe ground. When you start putting in tonnes of effort and organising dates etc you’ll always feel anxious ‘does he actually like me??’ because he’s never demonstrated that before you started forcing the issue.

@Hubblebubble75 A woman or man putting no effort in should expect zero effort in return. The OP had chosen to put in little to no effort, she shouldn’t expect anything else back.

What effort should she have put in? It’s a weekly meet up, she hasn’t clarified what effort he’s put in but guessing it’s ‘wanna meet up next week?’

@Hubblebubble75

What effort should she have put in? It’s a weekly meet up, she hasn’t clarified what effort he’s put in but guessing it’s ‘wanna meet up next week?’

She hasn’t organised a single date, she also hasn’t bothered with basic communication.

I’ve seen hundreds of posters doing this on threads and then the op gets hurt / ghosted etc when the guy doesn’t reply

Oh I totally agree. But there is a difference between chasing someone who clearly isn't interested and communicating your own relationship needs.

However , ops guy is seeing her once a week and what is he organising really ? What effort is he making ?

He might not be making much effort but it's still.mpre than she has made.
Which is zero.

Happycat1212

“.... And people usually want to spend Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend so they know they are not seeing anyone else, for the pp asking why she wants to spend it with him 🙄”

Really? “I want to spend the day with you because I don’t trust you”

When you start putting in tonnes of effort and organising dates etc you’ll always feel anxious ‘does he actually like me??’ because he’s never demonstrated that before you started forcing the issue.

Again, I don't disagree at all. But, again, there is a big difference between being the one who always organises and pushes for dates and communicating very basic relationship wants/needs after 3 months.

After all, as this thread has shown, women have very different thoughts and expectations of Valentine's Day and 'romance'. If his last couple.of girlfriends didn't do it, why would he automatically assume this one did?

That's not to sy I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, just that if you passively wait for someone to guess your relationship needs that's exactly what they're going to he doing - guessing. With no guarantees of getting it right.

If you express your needs and they don't act on them, then you have your answer.

I'd be disappointed too. 'Happy Valentine's' is fairly meaningless - not exactly 'will you be my Valentine?'. I can see why the guy is single and childless at 39. I don't think romance is that dead and buried.

“.... And people usually want to spend Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend so they know they are not seeing anyone else, for the pp asking why she wants to spend it with him 🙄”

That isn't why I would want to spend any time with anyone

I don't think romance is that dead and buried.

Of course it isnt but, for a lot of people, VD doesnt symbolise romance.

@DenisetheMenace

Happycat1212

“.... And people usually want to spend Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend so they know they are not seeing anyone else, for the pp asking why she wants to spend it with him 🙄”

Really? “I want to spend the day with you because I don’t trust you”

I can’t breathe 😂

@SorryStateOfAffairs it's an opportunity for a small gesture, as in words. The commercial aspects can be ignored completely. If someone is interested in you romantically, rather than just physically, and has any sort of emotional intelligence.

If this help.
One of my children is in a new relationship around 4 months. He cut a bouquet from his garden to give with a person note/short love letter. She made a card and cake/pudding. They went for a walk and ate fish and chips.
It sounded sweet and normal.

If someone is interested in you romantically, rather than just physically, and has any sort of emotional intelligence

But then surely they would be doing things on other occasions too?

It sounds far more to me that some people see it as a sign of validation that anything else.

He cut a bouquet from his garden to give with a person note/short love letter. She made a card and cake/pudding. They went for a walk and ate fish and chips.

Now that sounds quite romantic! And certainly involved more effort than a bouquet of flowers and some chocolates.

@Hubblebubble75 You're making it sound like sex is something a woman gives a man as a reward! It's not the 50s anymore, we're equal now or that is what we've been striving for.

To me someone who goes all out on the stereotypical romantic gestures is far more likely to be a misogynistic narcissist than someone respectful and loving.

@SorryStateOfAffairs Yes, other occasions too. VD being a traditional occasion to do so. Sending a text 'Happy Valentine's' is meaningless - to mark the day but not an interest in the person it's sent to. A very empty gesture.

Yes, I'd agree that sending a Happy Valentine's Day text is an empty gesture but not marking the day at all means nothing on it's own.

To me someone who goes all out on the stereotypical romantic gestures is far more likely to be a misogynistic narcissist than someone respectful and loving.

I would agree with this.