A guy I have been seeing for 3 months didn’t do anything for me on valentines

[lovewarandroses]

Hi guys I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive or if i’m justifiable in feeling this way ... so I met a guy who I thought was amazing three months ago on a dating app ...the thing is I see him once every week but what I’m pissed off with is the fact that he only texted me happy Valentine’s... he didn’t arrange to meet up with me .... do I have a right to be annoyed or am I overreacting??? I really wanted to spend Valentine’s with him and I feel let down .....

[SimonJT]

@Hubblebubble75

I’m sure when the op sees him she’s putting in effort to show how much she’s enjoying time with him.
She was hoping he’d increase from weekly to more frequent meet ups. Why should she have to tell him? If he likes her - he should feel the desire to see her more often. He should want to increase the meet ups. Op wouldn’t have the anxiety to start this thread - she started it because he isn’t showing he’s keen at all. She’s now asking him to meet up - she’ll probably end up driving all the meet ups and texts etc now so not equal at all and still anxious because she doesn’t really know if he actually likes her or is just getting his jolly while he waits for someone he likes better

If you actually believe any of that, thats a huge worry.

Are women allowed to do anything in your world?

[Bluntness100]

She was hoping he’d increase from weekly to more frequent meet ups. Why should she have to tell him? If he likes her - he should feel the desire to see her more often

I’m actually sure you’re on the wind up now. No one could really think this?

[Cadent]

@Hubblebubble75 where are people on that thread telling the OP to chase a guy who's not interested?

[SimonJT]

[quote Hubblebubble75]@cadent certainly , there are loads

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1820948-Should-I-text-him-first[/quote]
Well done, you found people who support immature game playing.

[Crackerofdoom]

DH and I have been together for 17 years, married for 13 and since a few weeks after we met.

If I have one piece of advice to give to anyone based on my experience it is to tell your partner what you want. So much energy is wasted in trying to second guess the other, not communicating what you want and being hurt that they didn't anticipate your wants and needs.

I don't do Valentines day because it feels like another arbitrary day where we have to do certain things in order not to fail at being in a relationship.

But if it is a date which matters to you, communicate this.

DH doesn't get a birthday gift from me because he doesn't care about his birthday and would rather get himself things when he needs them.

However, he knows that I like to receive something, even if it is token and therefore he always gets me a little gift.

[Hubblebubble75]

No the point of that thread was the guy didn’t bother to message her again - sign he’s not thinking about you and not interested. She was told again and again to text him and ask him out - that he was shy etc . She did and he told her he wasn’t interested. If she’d simply looked at his actions she had her answer.
Look at a guys actions when you start dating - simple. It’s not gameplaying

[Hubblebubble75]

And men and women are different and that’s not sexist ( are we not allowed to say we are different anymore either!)

[Same4Walls]

@Hubblebubble75

And men and women are different and that’s not sexist ( are we not allowed to say we are different anymore either!)

Different in many ways yes buy surely equal in a relationship which is what is currently being discussed?

[Onelifeonly]

This all seems over-hyped to me. The OP isn't sure this man really likes her, some people have given her advice to communicate more with him to find out. She's happy with the advice and has taken it. It may or may not end badly.

Back in the day (being ancient now!) I worked out whether a man liked me from his attitude and actions. If I got the message from these that he wasn't that into me, I gave up. If I got the message he was AND I was into him, I continued with the relationship. Maybe I did let him make the first moves, but I made it clear I welcomed them.

Maybe it was a good thing MN didnt exist then as it all seems so tortuous now. I had several LTR before marrying, but don't recall having the "are we exclusive?" conversation ever - we just knew.

As for 'romance' - let people have their own definitions. We are all different. There's no need to criticise others over it.

And as for whether a person does or does not value VD as a concept - that is so insignificance a consideration. Did someone really say a relationship could never succeed if the man didn't mark the first VD? Maybe he has experience of women who sneered at it. Maybe he's not sure of his gp's feelings or views. Maybe he is anti capitalism. Maybe he feels her lack of mention of it is a sign she's not interested. Who knows? How can any of us know his motivation?

[Cadent]

@Hubblebubble75

She didn't chase him! She asked him if he fancied meeting up again and he said no. I would much prefer that to days of wating to see if he gets in touch. Why be so passive?

[SorryStateOfAffairs]

Hubblebubble75

You indicated in an earlier post that your husband made all the effort up to date 4.

The OP is 3 months in.

He is the only one who has made any effort at all so far.

At what stage do you think a woman should be equal in the relationship?

[Hubblebubble75]

By effort I mean - arranged dates - booked a nice meal in a restaurant, bought me a card and present for my birthday , asked about meeting more often , wanted to check diaries to try and meet me on any free days etc the only effort I made was going on the date and hopefully being great company!
I knew he really liked me by date 4 so I was comfortable and secure to invest in the relationship more fully.
I think too many people like to play the equality card. It’s not about that. There are plenty of jerks out there ( just look at mn stories!) trying to have sex etc without being committed and playing women. Why not look after yourself ? You can get rid of these jerks quickly by looking at how they act early on instead of drifting for months and getting a self esteem battering.
This op is three months in and she’s still anxious because he’s not really shown her he’s interested. You can argue neither has she , but in real life We know and have all seen if a guy is interested he will do the organising and show he’s keen early on. Even the shyest guy (I’ve been out with one) was able to ask me out and organise things to show me his feelings for me and that he had to see me and was thinking about me.

[Bluntness100]

@Hubblebubble75

By effort I mean - arranged dates - booked a nice meal in a restaurant, bought me a card and present for my birthday , asked about meeting more often , wanted to check diaries to try and meet me on any free days etc the only effort I made was going on the date and hopefully being great company!
I knew he really liked me by date 4 so I was comfortable and secure to invest in the relationship more fully.
I think too many people like to play the equality card. It’s not about that. There are plenty of jerks out there ( just look at mn stories!) trying to have sex etc without being committed and playing women. Why not look after yourself ? You can get rid of these jerks quickly by looking at how they act early on instead of drifting for months and getting a self esteem battering.
This op is three months in and she’s still anxious because he’s not really shown her he’s interested. You can argue neither has she , but in real life We know and have all seen if a guy is interested he will do the organising and show he’s keen early on. Even the shyest guy (I’ve been out with one) was able to ask me out and organise things to show me his feelings for me and that he had to see me and was thinking about me.

I have no idea what you’re talking about, it’s been three months, they see each other every week, every single one at his organisation. She’s done nothing, not one thing apart from sit passively waiting. Even you didn’t do that three months in

Why are you fighting so hard she has to? No one can say this man hasn’t made an effort. He’s made all the effort. He organises, he proactively texts, he asks her out, he does every thing and for three months

When you yourself decided four dates was enough and you’d make some effort why are you telling this woman that 12 dates isn’t enough and she still shouldn’t be doing anything? You’ve even told her she’s not allowed to tell him she’d like to see him more often.

[Norwaydidnthappen]

This may come as a shock to you but some people don’t actually like Valentine’s Day, I am one of those people. I genuinely have never bought anything for Valentine’s and I don’t expect anything either, it just feels so forced and pointless.

I think you’re overreacting.

[Hubblebubble75]

@bluntness100

1. they meet once a week - he’s never tried to meet her more even though no one has anything to do in lockdown (and she wants to meet him more than once a week - hopefully he’s feeling the same if he likes her and therefore could have asked) At the beginning of dating dh ,on date 1 , he asked to see my three time’s the following week when he thought I was free . He asked when I was free and because he liked me once a week wasn’t enough.
   
2. My dh planned dates and showed thought in them. Op hasn’t come back to show what organising a date is from this guy but if it’s simply him asking to meet up - that’s no effort (especially if sex is involved!)
   
3. my dh saw me on my birthday and bought a small gift and card. This guy never mentioned meeting on valentines , text her something I might text a girlfriend ‘happy valentines’, showing no feelings at all.
   He’s not showing in his actions from date 1 through to now that he’s actually keen. In contrast my dh showed on dates 1,2,3 he couldn’t wait to see me and he thought about me constantly.
   And to those saying they don’t do valentines etc , even if the op felt like that - she would hardly be offended by a card or him meeting up with her on that day. It doesn’t seem like she discussed whether she did valentines or not- so why didn’t he err on the side of caution and get her something small or at least spend the day together . If he thought she was that uninterested in valentines why even bother texting ‘happy valentines’ . If he didn’t believe in the day then why did he even reference valentines?

[Fr0zenPeas]

It is early days
It seems that you both put zero effort into Valentine's Day
This should be the honeymoon stage

I don't think that you are into each other enough

[pixiecircles]

In contrast with a lot of people on this post, I think that on a day where so many people are made to feel special, people who make zero effort at all (without prior discussion that "we won't/don't do valentines" for whatever reason) should be cut loose, particularly during the period where you are getting to know each other.

If he doesn't want to make an effort on a day where you are going to see so many displays of affection, small and large, why would he choose to leave you out? what effort is he going to make the rest of the year?

I know people choose, as a couple, not to celebrate it, or (as we do) give little tokens, but that comes with a discussion about it first.

Just my personal opinion. I do believe this goes both ways too of course. And yes, I believe in making each other feel special the rest of the year too of course.

[TrainingAim]

I think 3 months in for big romantic might seem a bit OTT to many, so hard for him to get this right.

Some people just don't do Valentines but if it's important to you you need to tell him that.

Is he a decent bloke in other ways? I know people here will disagree, but IME the grand gesture types often aren't. In fact, the man responsible for my most romantic valentines ghosted me only weeks later.

[Hubblebubble75]

I think thoughtful gestures are more important then grand ones. It doesn’t have to be 12 red roses - but spending the day together, getting a card, a gift that’s cheap but is an ‘in joke’ between you, cooking dinner etc At least some gesture of romance is a good sign, anything other than a text basically

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

they meet once a week - he’s never tried to meet her more even though no one has anything to do in lockdown

No one has anything to do in lockdown? Except working as normal if not furloughed, then it's dark once the most common work hours are over and we are not supposed to meet inside, so many people are still only free at weekends...

[Bluntness100]

in contrast with a lot of people on this post, I think that on a day where so many people are made to feel special, people who make zero effort at all (without prior discussion that "we won't/don't do valentines" for whatever reason) should be cut loose, particularly during the period where you are getting to know each other’s

So you think he should have binned the op?

[pixiecircles]

@Bluntness100

in contrast with a lot of people on this post, I think that on a day where so many people are made to feel special, people who make zero effort at all (without prior discussion that "we won't/don't do valentines" for whatever reason) should be cut loose, particularly during the period where you are getting to know each other’s

So you think he should have binned the op?

Did you miss the part where I said it goes both ways?

[pixiecircles]

@Hubblebubble75

I think thoughtful gestures are more important then grand ones. It doesn’t have to be 12 red roses - but spending the day together, getting a card, a gift that’s cheap but is an ‘in joke’ between you, cooking dinner etc At least some gesture of romance is a good sign, anything other than a text basically

Yes this is exactly it. Doesn't have to be huge, just something to show each other that you're thinking of each other is nice, imo

[Bluntness100]

Did you miss the part where I said it goes both ways?

So that’s a yes? They should have ended it. Because neither made an effort?

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Yes this is exactly it. Doesn't have to be huge, just something to show each other that you're thinking of each other is nice, imo

OP didn't do this either. I don't know if people are being deliberately obtuse when they neglect to acknowledge this...