A guy I have been seeing for 3 months didn’t do anything for me on valentines

[lovewarandroses]

Hi guys I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive or if i’m justifiable in feeling this way ... so I met a guy who I thought was amazing three months ago on a dating app ...the thing is I see him once every week but what I’m pissed off with is the fact that he only texted me happy Valentine’s... he didn’t arrange to meet up with me .... do I have a right to be annoyed or am I overreacting??? I really wanted to spend Valentine’s with him and I feel let down .....

[Hubblebubble75]

@youvegottenminuteslynn she bought a card , I guess in the hope they’d meet. He didn’t suggest meeting. I’m sure people will now say ‘oh may be he had a card too but also didn’t give it as op didn’t make it clear she wanted to meet’ but someone has to take a lead and for valentines it should have been him. I highly doubt he got a card and his text was rubbish - so he didn’t even get that right.
Women need to stop making excuses for guys that can’t even get basic romance right 🤦‍♀️

[Cadent]

I think men and women need to stop making excuses for anyone who sits there like a lump, waiting to be entertained and dined and romanced.

No one is owed any of those things by virtue of their sex. It all sounds so transactional in your world Hubble.

[Hubblebubble75]

It certainly isn’t transactional in my world thanks. By having some self esteem and not running after people that aren’t interested in me, by not accepting a lack of romance - I now have a wonderful attentive husband, who makes me feel loved and cherished every day. I’m not crying into my cornflakes because he forgot my birthday or anniversary or Valentine’s Day yet again. I’m not priority no 10 in his life. I found out in the early days he was a good guy who put effort in for the right person. I hope I put equal effort in every day since then.
I wanted him (and others) to take the lead at the start because I firmly believe men show their interest in actions. I was not a lump or expecting him to do all the work once I could see he liked me . I’ve said this time and time again . Don’t worry just keep banging the same drum any way

[pixiecircles]

@Bluntness100

Did you miss the part where I said it goes both ways?

So that’s a yes? They should have ended it. Because neither made an effort?

All personal opinion. I appreciate that so early on it might be hard to voice what you want or expect but I think they're not well matched if the OP is expecting something and he doesn't think it's expected of him. I think Valentine's Day, even though it's so commercialised etc etc, if nothing else does show whether your views on this sort of thing, the effort that you expect, and how much you like each other are aligned or not.

In this case I'd suspect they're not. Not that I have to explain my personal opinion 🤷🏼‍♀️

Op, regardless, the question really is how do you feel. It's not upto anyone else whether you think you're being unreasonable or not.

[lovewarandroses]

We meet once every week ... and also let me clarify one thing .. me and him have not had sex and we do spend the night either at his or at mine... so I know that he is not after sex .... just thought I would clarify ... and also I don’t know why this makes me look desperate when I genuinely like this guy and I’m happy that I’m going to see him ... if he was with someone else on Valentine’s Day then it will all come out in the end ... I’m not going to dump him for this as I have genuine feelings for him .... I learned a lot by the advice that I have been given on here ...so thank you for all your input and advice ......

[Hubblebubble75]

@lovewarandroses I’m glad he’s not just ‘hooking up’ with you for that reason. I understand you like him, but you weren’t happy about valentines and I think you need to at least have a chat about it - so he understands your expectations. I certainly don’t get the attitude

if he was with someone else on Valentine’s Day then it will all come out in the end ... I’m not going to dump him for this as I have genuine feelings for him .

Erm so you’ll carry on and await a revelation at some point? It doesn’t matter because you like him too much right now. I found this line really odd as if you’re so besotted he can do no wrong now

Just because you like someone don’t let it cloud your judgement. Look at his actions from now on, be clear about what you expect and make sure you’re treated well and not perpetually anxious about his feelings for you. Good luck !

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

I’m not crying into my cornflakes because he forgot my birthday or anniversary or Valentine’s Day yet again.

Neither are those of us who are in genuinely happy relationships that were equal from day one!

What an unpleasant way of speaking about other women you have. A strange schaudenfreude about them being unhappy if they make different choices to you. How odd.

I take no pleasure in, and feel no smugness about, other people being unhappy. One of the things my partner and I have in common along with mutual respect and equality from the start.

Horses for courses, eh?

[Hubblebubble75]

@youvegottenminuteslynn there are so many daily threads on here of women taken for granted who still chase after rotten men and have always done so and put up with rotten behaviour, lack of romance and so on. There are so many Ltb responses on here - when many women should have set the boundaries straight up and not put up with starting a relationship with some of these people. They could have seen how lazy, how self centred, how little he esteemed them if they’d let him do some work at the start of the relationship.
Great your relationship is different but I see plenty on here and in rl where the woman bags a numpty

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

There are so many Ltb responses on here - when many women should have set the boundaries straight up and not put up with starting a relationship with some of these people. They could have seen how lazy, how self centred, how little he esteemed them if they’d let him do some work at the start of the relationship.

Yes, because men famously never charm partners, love bomb them or pull the wool over their eyes and then become increasingly unpleasant over time do they? Never works that way.

Comments tantamount to victim blaming on top of everything else you've said = indicative of a deep rooted judgement of women who don't adhere to a rigid gender stereotype that is acceptable to you.

I'm not sure you realise how unpleasant your tone is when you speak about other women. Something for you to think about maybe...

[Hubblebubble75]

Yes you are right it is possible to have that happen - I agree there are some nasty people out there and I do feel sorry for those women that are hoodwinked thinking someone is lovely when they turn into someone else later. I’m not talking about those.
I’m talking about a large number of women who put up with poor behaviours like lack of romance and laziness and I think it starts at the start. I’m not talking about women being abused or beaten or things that narcissists hide and then suddenly emerge after a year of being lovely. I’m talking about behaviours that are evident from the very start. They get asked ‘was he always like this’ - yeah he’s never made a big deal about my birthday, he’s never pulled his weight, yeah I’ve always had to drive him everywhere etc etc

[Suagar]

@Hubblebubble75

By effort I mean - arranged dates - booked a nice meal in a restaurant, bought me a card and present for my birthday , asked about meeting more often , wanted to check diaries to try and meet me on any free days etc the only effort I made was going on the date and hopefully being great company!
I knew he really liked me by date 4 so I was comfortable and secure to invest in the relationship more fully.
I think too many people like to play the equality card. It’s not about that. There are plenty of jerks out there ( just look at mn stories!) trying to have sex etc without being committed and playing women. Why not look after yourself ? You can get rid of these jerks quickly by looking at how they act early on instead of drifting for months and getting a self esteem battering.
This op is three months in and she’s still anxious because he’s not really shown her he’s interested. You can argue neither has she , but in real life We know and have all seen if a guy is interested he will do the organising and show he’s keen early on. Even the shyest guy (I’ve been out with one) was able to ask me out and organise things to show me his feelings for me and that he had to see me and was thinking about me.

@Hubblebubble75 every single woman who has had relationships with men who were actually keen on them and wanted something more, totally understand what you describe. Yikes - I feel really sorry for those women who think men who leave you uncertainty anxious about how they feel about you is normal! Men show you who they are through their actions not words. They pursue what they value and what they want. It's not rocket science.

His lazy Valentine's day text (when she didn't previously say she wanted just a text) was him doing the minimal effort required to maintain his weekly booty call service. I'm quite surprised at the posters who are arguing with you and missing the point completely. .

The nature of this forum means it will attract a disproportionate proportionatio of women who are in/have been in dysfunctional relationships and/or have low self esteem so the OP's situation with a ambivalent guy probably just sounds normal to those posters.

Unless she's looking for a casual thing, any woman with normal self esteem and self respect would have seen straight through this guy's actions over the last 3 months and VDay and would have saved herself any further time wastage on a guy unworthy of her. Why lower yourself to be some man's weekly booty call if that's not what you want? Have more self worth ladies!

[Suagar]

*uncertain

[DenisetheMenace]

SorryStateOfAffairs

I don't think romance is that dead and buried.



Of course it isnt but, for a lot of people, VD doesnt symbolise romance.“

Erm, the opposite in my day

[Cadent]

@Suagar

I’m quite surprised at the posters who are arguing with you and missing the point completely

I think it’s you who has missed the point. For a start, OP hasn’t slept with him.

[CatAndHisKit]

Suagar do you realise that the OP hasn' had sex with him yet?
always useful to read Op's posts before going into a tirade!

[CatAndHisKit]

hasn't

[yvanka]

@DenisetheMenace

Happycat1212

“.... And people usually want to spend Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend so they know they are not seeing anyone else, for the pp asking why she wants to spend it with him 🙄”

Really? “I want to spend the day with you because I don’t trust you”

Hahahaha

[supercali77]

Firstly I think everyone's being a bit harsh with the 'what did you do for him ' craic. Its a cultural norm for the man to peacock some romantic displays at valentines. Or are we really thinking men love giant teddies and chocolates? The stereotypes are annoying yes but the frigging holiday isn't about women romancing men. Secondly, a few years back I started seeing someone not long before valentines and it was awkward as hell. So I just did an image on my phone (a joke) drew a bad heart and sent it via WhatsApp. He found it funny and printed it out and brought it round in a frame. Fact is. Its bloody awkward when you're not a) the kind of person that subscribes to v day. B) haven't been seeing someone long. Etc.

[saleorbouy]

Yes you are over reacting. You're judging a guy who you've had a happy relationship for three months with over his reaction to a sentimental day of dictated displays of affection. Personally I don't celebrate it as I find spontaneous displays of affection and romance much more telling of true feelings.
Of course you might feel a little disappointed but he did acknowledge the day just not in the way you imagined, incidentally what do you do for him to celebrate your love for him?
Don't get tied up in forced commercial emotion, concentrate on your true emotions as a couple it will be much more beneficial to your long term relationship.

[SmileyClare]

After ten pages you reveal you don't have a physical relationship with this man? Is that your choice? Most 40 year-old men would want the relationship to have progressed after 3 months (ime.) I think the fact that this relationship is still in its very early stages of talking and holding hands would have altered the responses.

Valentine's cards all reference love/celebrating your love and as supercali says, that's a bit awkward and premature when you're not there yet with this man, have only met a handful of times and the relationship hasn't really moved forward much.

It's been said already, but there seems to be a huge lack of communication between you. I expect he sent you a happy Valentine's text because you sent him a card; a sort of reciprocal thanks. Perhaps he was surprised that you felt that way if you haven't been forthcoming with how you feel so far.

I wonder if you lack experience in relationships? This reminds me of my first teen relationship where we were awkward, spent most of the time second guessing each other and getting crossed wires and didn't discuss how we felt or what we wanted. I'd spend hours agonising over his messages and trying to find hidden meanings in things he'd said.

[DoubleTweenQueen]

I always thought Valentine's Day was the opportunity to express an interest in someone/a new relationship, and not for established relationships - although commercialism has pushed that aside?

[Unicornamy]

OP what has happened since Valentine’s Day? Has been in touch? What was his tone like? Ok not sure why some people are saying 3 months is not enough time! I’ve been seeing someone since the end of Jan and he sent me flowers and a nice expensive hand cream set as he knows I’m into those.
Maybe he’s not the type to celebrate Valentine’s Day?
I think this should be an opportunity to communicate and let him know what’s important to you. Don’t make it a whole lecture just put it out there.