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Original poster

To think this is financial abuse/control

372 replies

Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 00:22

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

OP posts:
rosiejaune · 12/02/2021 01:22

Well obviously he is being controlling by maliciously going back to court for no good reason. But at their age they won't be sent to live there full time if they don't want to. And you could just represent yourself; there is no obligation to have a solicitor/barrister.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 06:25

@rosiejaune I wish it was that simple! I need a bloody good barrister because he has manipulated/frightened them into saying they want to be with him more. It's a huge fight.

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 06:26

It's just control and revenge tactics st every opportunity.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 12/02/2021 06:30

It sounds awful but I tend to think of financial abuse as being something within the home, rather than something outside. I agree with previous poster, represent yourself and stop spending money on legal fees. There will be trained professionals involved to establish your children’s views.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2021 06:35

No it’s not financial abuse op. As an adult you’re responsible for your own costs, and you need to provide for your kids for fifty percent of the costs.

Taking you to court repeatedly is potentially controlling or abusive, but it would need to be looked at from both sides as to why he wants the kids more and feels the need to do this. For example is he simply an arsehole making you suffer or is there real concern from his side.

He is not your partner, he isn’t financially abusing you because you are responsible for your own finances. The court is something else.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 06:39

Thanks both. Do either of you have any experience of the family courts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 06:40

@Bluntness100 Definitely the later. History of DV.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2021 06:41

No it’s not financial abuse.

If he thinks there is legitimate reason for going to court then he is well within his rights to do so. Any woman on here would be advised to do the same, especially if the DC are saying they want to live there.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 06:42

Also may I just point out (I feel it's very important) that just because he is no longer my husband does not mean he cannot be abusive.

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 06:44

@AlternativePerspective Have you heard of something called Parental Alienation? Would you be happy to send your children to live with someone who is psychologically abusing them?

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NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/02/2021 06:48

Leaving aside the court situation it isnt financial abuse for a better off spouse to want 50/50 of their children, thus paying no maintenance. He isnt required to top you up financially because he is better off, you are no longer married - how much he earns is not relevant to you. It's even less relevant that he has a partner not earning.

Lots of children don't do any extra curricular activities and maybe he doesnt think they are necessary. If you can't afford them on 15k dont do them. You say he won't share clothes or uniforms - does he buy them for the children for the time they are with him/to have at his house? If you mean you buy them all and he does not contribute whatsoever then that is of course very unreasonable.

It's not unusual for boys in their teens to be quite keen to live with dad, especially if dad has the big house & lots of money. But as a pp said the court will have professionals who are very good at identifying what they really want.

AnnLouiseB · 12/02/2021 06:49

Whether or not it strictly falls within the definition of financial abuse, it is clearly abusive. He is attempting to control and hurt you using the only tool he has left - your children. He knows you can’t / won’t simply roll over and give up on having at least 50% custody, so he is using his considerably larger financial reserves to drain your resources and emotionally exhaust you.

I don’t know what the solution is because not fighting for your children clearly isn’t an option, and he knows that. But I’m very, very sorry that he is doing this to you Flowers

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 06:50

A little of the flavour of him...

The decider to leave for me when when he took my purse out of my bag so I couldn't buy food. At that point I was shattered because I'd been sleeping on the floor. I'd also been locked out a few nights' previously because I hadn't met my "curfew" of 10pm.
The very last words he said to me were: "If you leave me I'll leave you penniless, bitch, and you will never see your kids again."

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 12/02/2021 06:53

You should post in legal op. I think there is something you can get written into the court order to stop him repeatedly taking you to court all the time.

Can you speak to WA? He is controlling you through the children.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 06:54

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland He shares nothing. At all. I disagree with you. A good dad would look at the bigger picture rather than just the legal one. Why would you have your kids miss out? I would understand his actions a little more if I wasn't working but as I have said, I am. It's another revenge tactic because I dared to leave him.

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 06:55

@NeilBuchananisBanksy Thank you. WA are unhelpful sadly. I do have an excellent medical professional supporting me though (thank goodness).

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Bluntness100 · 12/02/2021 06:57

Op the thing is, no matter how much of a piece of shit he is. It’s been seven years and you are financially responsible for yourself and your share of the child costs. It doesn’t matter if he says he will leave you penniless, the issue is you’re effectively earning min wage, and so is your partner. That’s why you’re both skint.

The court issue yes, that is abusive and cunty if he’s just doing it to abuse and control you, but in general day to day living you are not entitled to more from him. I’m sorry, 💐

AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2021 06:58

Thing is OP no-one here knows the circumstances.

It may well be a control tactic on his part, but that doesn’t make it financial abuse.He has nothing to gain financially here, even the amount of maintenance he would gain wouldn’t make it financially worth while

gobackanddoitproperly · 12/02/2021 06:59

He has found a way of limiting access to your money by making you tip it all into the legal system while not even being married to you. With the added bonus of arguing it can't be financial abuse because he's not married to you...it isn't happening in the home...because you're responsible for your own finances etc etc. Clever him.

Honestly, the propensity for people here to bend over backwards to see the arsehole point of view is astounding to me sometimes.

'Topping her up' financially doesn't mean NOT dragging her back to court multiple times. What a hideous thing to say.

Maybe he doesn't think extra curricular activities are important? Maybe, just maybe, he is a prick?

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 12/02/2021 07:01

I have a massive amount of sympathy for your situation and agree with you that just because a person leaves an abusive relationship it doesn’t mean the abuse stops completely- why would it? My ex still uses some of the same tactics he used to use on me while we were together and we haven’t been for a few years now but not ones that would financially cripple me. I can’t imagine how exhausted and fed up you are with it all.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:03

@Bluntness100 We will agree to disagree. If I was the higher earner with four sports cars on the drive and both my ex-husband and his partner were working ft to pay the rent and make ends meet I would, as a decent parent, make sure my kids as decent a life as possible at BOTH homes. I would not use finance as a stick to beat the other parent with.

OP posts:
ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 12/02/2021 07:04

@gobackanddoitproperly

He has found a way of limiting access to your money by making you tip it all into the legal system while not even being married to you. With the added bonus of arguing it can't be financial abuse because he's not married to you...it isn't happening in the home...because you're responsible for your own finances etc etc. Clever him.

Honestly, the propensity for people here to bend over backwards to see the arsehole point of view is astounding to me sometimes.

'Topping her up' financially doesn't mean NOT dragging her back to court multiple times. What a hideous thing to say.

Maybe he doesn't think extra curricular activities are important? Maybe, just maybe, he is a prick?

Agree wholeheartedly with this. It seems so obvious to me what this man is doing to the OP and yet there’s a plethora of people lining up to see things from his side. Ugh.
DunravenBadger · 12/02/2021 07:08

[quote Oldat40]@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland He shares nothing. At all. I disagree with you. A good dad would look at the bigger picture rather than just the legal one. Why would you have your kids miss out? I would understand his actions a little more if I wasn't working but as I have said, I am. It's another revenge tactic because I dared to leave him.[/quote]
It sounds exhausting but not financial abuse. As others have said, you really could represent yourself. What do you mean by "why would you have your kids miss out?" On what? Do you mean the extra curricular activities? Maybe he doesn't feel they're necessary and doesn't feel they are missing out by not doing them. Not everybody feels they're needed. He doesn't need to share anything with you. If you have the kids 50:50, you're both responsible for providing for them on your own time. It's also irrelevant how much he earns vs. How much you earn. You're divorced, he doesn't have a financial responsibility towards you now.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:09

He also takes CB for one son which he has to pay back. He would rather the government have it back then let me have it for the benefit of his child.

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Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:13

I think some of you are missing the point. Yes his money is his own, but is it reasonable of him to take back the settlement awarded in court so we can't buy suitable housing (which is what it wss meant for). As these savings are now going on legal fees.

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