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Original poster

To think this is financial abuse/control

372 replies

Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 00:22

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

OP posts:
CC2021 · 12/02/2021 07:14

@Oldat40 but he's not taking back the settlement. You are choosing to use it, you could represent yourself. Maybe he genuinely feels the DC want to be with him and feels it's in his best interests. He's perfectly within his rights for fight for what he feels is best for your joint DC.

Tohaveandtohold · 12/02/2021 07:15

The thing you need to understand is that the reason why you left him was because he was useless. You can’t expect him to do the decent thing to make sure the children have a better quality of life with you.

He will want them to have more fun with him so they will want to live more with him. At the age your sons are, I’m not disputing that he is manipulating them but teenagers especially when they are boys always want the flashy things their peers have, they want to live in flashy houses, etc and if their dad is promising them these if they live in his house more then they’ll in most situations want that too.

Your ex is so unreasonable but that’s why he’s an ex and you are now responsible for how you want to handle this. There’s no point constantly fighting and depleting your savings for 50/50 custody if the children won’t back it up because at that age, you don’t need to be paying higher than the odds on lawyers as the courts will take what they want into consideration.
It’s up to you if you want to keep spending your savings really .

CC2021 · 12/02/2021 07:15

Feels it's in their best interests I meant.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:17

To add, my eldest has said that he has agreed with dad that any maintenance I would pay isn't needed right now so it would go into an account for when he's old enough for uni. Dad could may be put it towards a nice car that will impress his new friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:21

I can almost certainly tell you if they go to him I will see them less and less to the point of hardly ever. He will just ramp up the manipulation. He already tried to use scare tactics years ago by suggesting to them my fiancé "could" be a paedophile.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 12/02/2021 07:23

@Oldat40

I think some of you are missing the point. Yes his money is his own, but is it reasonable of him to take back the settlement awarded in court so we can't buy suitable housing (which is what it wss meant for). As these savings are now going on legal fees.
Not missing a point. I see you choosing to spend your money on legal fees you cannot afford. You don’t have to do that, you are entirely in control of what you do with your money, that is why no, it is not financial abuse. People that are being financially abused are not in control.

I think it is possible that the boys might like to live with their father, the professionals involved in the case will speak to them alone and get to the bottom of it.

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:27

@Aprilx To suggest they spend more time with an abuser scares the crap out of me tbh.

OP posts:
Crikeycroc · 12/02/2021 07:28

I’m sorry things continue to be so hard. I’ve read many of your threads about the situation with your ex husband and sons.
The courts are just another means for abusers like him to exert power and control. Primarily he wants to hurt you by to taking your children away from you but it does of course deplete your savings.

Doyoumind · 12/02/2021 07:29

OP you are getting responses from people who don't know what they are talking about. I was in an abusive relationship and I agree that he is depriving you of money and your sanity through his actions. None of this is for your DC's sake.

This time round it might be worth considering self representation. It could show the imbalance of power and reveal the bullying. It's a risk but you need to make them see the real situation here. I have self represented and it is scary but you've been to court four times before and know the drill.

Crikeycroc · 12/02/2021 07:30

Who is supporting you in real life? Are CAFCASS involved?

FloconDeNeige · 12/02/2021 07:32

He sounds like an arsehole but as others have said, his earnings aren’t relevant here. If you don’t like the difference in lifestyles that your kids experience between the two households, the solution would be for you to look at alternative, better paid roles in order to provide for them. Not expect your ex to make up your ‘shortfall’ so to speak.

Also, I don’t get the comment about only having one bathroom? Seriously, this is not a hardship. We had one bathroom for five of us growing up and nobody gave it a moment’s thought. Owning property is also not a right. If you can’t afford if then you have to rent, like millions of people do. Just because your accommodation is rented doesn’t make it unsuitable.

He might be a nasty piece of work but you still seem to feel entitled to his cash. If he’s that unpleasant, why would you want it anyway?

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:33

Thank you @Crikeycroc.
I hope this doesn't sound strange, but honest answers...would those of you saying it might be in the best interests of the kids to be with him for more time...would you still say that if I told you he'd be physically violent towards me in the past?

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:35

@FloconDeNeige Plesse point me to the parts of my posts which have indicated I am "entitled to his cash"?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 12/02/2021 07:35

@Doyoumind

OP you are getting responses from people who don't know what they are talking about. I was in an abusive relationship and I agree that he is depriving you of money and your sanity through his actions. None of this is for your DC's sake.

This time round it might be worth considering self representation. It could show the imbalance of power and reveal the bullying. It's a risk but you need to make them see the real situation here. I have self represented and it is scary but you've been to court four times before and know the drill.

So you have come up with exactly the same suggestion as us other posters that don’t know what we are talking about. Thank goodness for your insight.
ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 12/02/2021 07:35

Not missing a point. I see you choosing to spend your money on legal fees you cannot afford. You don’t have to do that, you are entirely in control of what you do with your money, that is why no, it is not financial abuse. People that are being financially abused are not in control.

I think it is possible that the boys might like to live with their father, the professionals involved in the case will speak to them alone and get to the bottom of it.

Genuine question: have you ever gone through the family court system? Have you ever gone through it against someone who is abusive and who can afford very good legal representation when you can not and had to listen to people say “it’s fine, just represent yourself”? Have you ever had to wait months on end for whoever is representing your children’s side to get their shit together only to find out that they are useless and even got the kids names wrong in their report Hmm ?

OP, incase you didn’t know I absolutely do believe you are being intentionally financially drained by this bastard. The comment to your children about how your current partner “might be a peadophile” is obviously disgusting as well. Poor you and your poor kids.

rwalker · 12/02/2021 07:38

Being harsh you need to move on you've had a settlement .His finances now are nothing to do with you .

FloconDeNeige · 12/02/2021 07:40

[quote Oldat40]@FloconDeNeige Plesse point me to the parts of my posts which have indicated I am "entitled to his cash"?[/quote]
Here;

If I was the higher earner with four sports cars on the drive and both my ex-husband and his partner were working ft to pay the rent and make ends meet I would, as a decent parent, make sure my kids as decent a life as possible at BOTH homes.

PurplePansy05 · 12/02/2021 07:41

What representation did you have before, OP? Did you lose the proceedings, did he not have to pay the costs? I'm a bit confused why you've used all of the settlement money for this and haven't recovered it?

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:42

@Doyoumind It is an excellent point you make but when I self-represented once before about an entirely different matter it didn't go well.
I'm also suffering badly with PTSD as a result of the ongoing trauma (still on bloody waiting list for therapy) so don't think I would be mentally strong enough.
Hats off to you, though Smile

OP posts:
gobackanddoitproperly · 12/02/2021 07:44

It is relevant how much he earns and I've always been bemused at the 50:50 = no maintenance thing. Why wouldn't you want to ensure you kids had a consistent lifestyle? Unless of course, you were a manipulative, abusive ex.

Oblomov21 · 12/02/2021 07:44

I too feel the OP has been given a hard time.
He's clever OP. Now you've spent your house deposit on legal fees and will probably never mortgage again. And he'll take you to court again. Because he can.

I don't know what the technical legal terminology is. But he fact such an abusive man can't be stopped after the 5th, 6th, 7th legal case is shocking.

Thanks
Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 07:45

@PurplePansy05 Costs very rarely recovered in family court proceedings. He has applied for change of custody before and was unsuccessful.

OP posts:
CC2021 · 12/02/2021 07:46

OP the courts don't care if someone has been abusive to the adult. They only care if the other parent is abusive to the DC, which he is not.

For the PP saying we don't know what we are talking about, I have been in an abusive relationship so actually do know what I'm talking about. But thanks for making a snap shot judgement based on us disagreeing with you.

gobackanddoitproperly · 12/02/2021 07:47

@PurplePansy05

What representation did you have before, OP? Did you lose the proceedings, did he not have to pay the costs? I'm a bit confused why you've used all of the settlement money for this and haven't recovered it?
Nope. Sorry, no 'gotcha' moment there. She quite reasonably expects he should fund his kids. Not her. It's very simple.
CC2021 · 12/02/2021 07:48

@gobackanddoitproperly no, it's not relevant. He doesn't have to financially support his ex for the rest of her life (or even until the DC reach adulthood). If OP is so concerned about the standard of living provided at her house, she could always let the DC live with Dad like they want to. But of course, she'd rather feel entitled to be propped up by her ex instead of taking financial responsibility for herself.