To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

@converseandjeans The answer really is he does anything he can to hurt me. He is still very angry at me. He is furious I have a fiancé and has told the kids they cannot attend our wedding as it would be disrespectful to him. He knows if he won more custody it would hurt me.

Converseandjeans she really does not have to spend the money on legal fees.

Let's all be mindful that we only ever hear half the story on mnet. She says he "has manipulated" the boys into wanting to live with him and that's why she is defending her right to keep 50/50. But what if actually they really do want to live with dad? He might be an utter bastard husband but it could be they see a totally different side of him as a father, especially if he is well off and has a lifestyle a teen aspires to.

A relative of mine had a marriage break up. He had worked & paid for everything, she never had, it had been a sore point as he had paid for her to do a specific course leading to a career she said she wanted, only for her to then refuse to try and get a job. On divorce he gave her the family home with no dispute. He allowed her to have majority of the care of the children (which was what she wanted) and paid a huge amount of maintenance. She still spent years criticising him to their children. As the children entered their teens and became more financially aware they realised how much he was doing for them and they chose to spend more time with him. He continued to pay maintenance regardless. She never got a job and as a result was much worse off than him, and now that the children are in their 20s she is struggling badly financially. If she was posting on here she would describe him a an utter bastard purely because he is well off financially and she isnt.

Reality is we have no idea what the other side of OPs story is. He sounds like a controlling bastard but we just dont know.

This is why MN and particularly AIBU is so useful as it offers a far more objective view from strangers with no skin in the game.

AIBU is famously fully of snarky fuckers. What utter nonsense.

He sounds very manipulative OP which must be very hard, but you need to move on for both your and your dc's sake. There will be many things that he can afford for the dc that you cannot, as hard as that is to swallow it's the reality.
Can I ask why you thought WA were unhelpful?

Oldat40 why is he so angry at you? Hes no worse off without you, if anything sounds like he has come out of it all far better than you, so what's driving him being so angry at you?

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Oldat40 why is he so angry at you? Hes no worse off without you, if anything sounds like he has come out of it all far better than you, so what's driving him being so angry at you?

Abusers don't like to lose. They'll destroy you because they're obsessed with making sure you haven't won by leaving them and getting away.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Because "good wifey" humiliated him by leaving her perfect and very loving husband.

@HmmSureJan And this.

For FUCKS SAKE!

What the fuck is this forum for? Is it here to help and support fellow mums who are suffering because we all have some empathy and idea of what they are going through? Not least because we might be going through similar ourselves if we’d had the bad luck of an abusive ex?!

Or is it a place to pick them apart, question their motives, their experience, tell them that they’re doing it all wrong and generally make them feel like shit? Because, really, we can all go to real life for that kind of negativity and judgement.

OP, of course he trying to continue the abuse, through the kids and through the disparity in your wealth. Try to survive without the lawyers if you can. The courts will see you love and provide for your kids. Try to put him out of your head because this is exactly what he wants.

@breatheslowandtrust WA are good at listening but can't really offer much else.

For those doubting the OP, if you had read her previous threads under previous names (I recognise the situation) you would be horrified. Everyone saying ‘represent yourself’, how confident would you feel knowing you’re up against a barrister who charges £1000’s per hour? Unless, you happen to also be a barrister. He has taken her to court KNOWING that she’ll have to use the settlement to pay for it, KNOWING that will then mean she can’t afford things and so, as pp said the kids just see the flashy house/cars/clothes.

Dad won’t pay for extras, not because he doesn’t see the value and not because the kids don’t want to but knowing the OP will have to fund it all. For this saying the he might not see the value - so what? If his kids like doing horse riding/karate/tennis what sort of parent prevents it, unless they genuinely can’t afford it or can’t make it due to work etc.?

OP, I don’t know what to suggest. I’ve been following your story on here and it honestly makes me so angry what you’ve been through.

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls Thank you so much and you are right All of this is naturally causing a strain on my relationship with fiancé and I know I have to minimise that as best I can as of course that will be a part of the game playing.

Prior posters have been right to say try to resist the games. Dont spend your money on lawyers - there are family court advisors trained to assess things like parental alienation and at 11 and 13 your boys will be old enough to hold their own views.

People on here are trying to help OP move on. In a situation with 50/50 what he earns is simply no longer relevant to OP and whether he has a partner earning is really none of her business.

Your best bet OP is to go to the legal threads and get as much advice as you can on defending your 50 50. And try and focus on yourself. You have probably 20 or 30 years left of work, lots of time to develop a career for yourself. Increasing your own income will do far more to get you a house than being angry and the settlement money that is gone now. The best way to free yourself from his financial control is to have your own money and use it how YOU want.

It sounds very draining it won't be forever. If you are earning £15k would you be eligible for social housing without the new partner? Would you be eligible for legal aid without savings with earnings of £15k. If yes spend the savings.
It is a shit situation.
My friend died years ago his home was left to his next of kin his DS his ex continually brought his parents to court for any cash she needed clothes, holiday, rent deposit she had legal aid, they eventually put it in a trust his DM can access directly through a solicitor for clothing/trips/holiday's until the DS is 18.

How he lives in comparison to you is a separate issue, DC will see he is a miserable sod.

You are fighting a losing battle.

He has ensured any money you received has been spent. He's hell bent on revenge.

I'm not sure why if he earns that much that you weren't awarded suitable housing as part of the divorce but that's been and gone.

You have to decide if you want to continue to play his silly games or write a letter to the court to explain what he has done, is doing and how his behaviour is affecting you. Document Superdad, document that he would rather pay back the child benefit than you have it etc etc. Self represent, explain that what you received in the divorce you'd hoped to use to get a home and haven instead spent it on a lot of legal fees.

I'm so sad for you.

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls

Grow up, this IS real life. Not some fluffy, fantasy land of rainbows and kittens, where everyone only ever says exactly what you want to hear. That does nobody any favours.

This board is known for very frank and sometimes brutal appraisals of an OP’s situation. The delivery is at times overly harsh, but don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

There are other boards available with a more kid-glove approach. The OP chose to pose her question here.

@ChrissyPlummer Thank you. I''m getting some good MH support finally which I think is helping. I am just so tired.

@Emeraldshamrock Sadly not as joint income over the threshold as we both work ft.

Chrissyplummer but OP can't afford horse riding/karate/tennis on 15k income. Not everyone values these things. My DH was dragged along to piano lessons for years by a parent who was blinded to the fact that he had no interest and was not much good at it, it was a colossal waste of money.

The settlement alone is not why OP is not well off. OP is not well off because she does not earn very much money, it's a reality of the situation and OPs energy would be better spent on improving her own earning potential.

@AlternativePerspective - Financial abuse isn’t about making money for the abuser, it is used as a control tactic , as the victims life and freedom is curtailed as they have no money.

As to the people who have said OP is working in a minimum wage job - it is highly likely that she stayed a home with the children for years and quite probably was prevented from working of training. In the same way, his desire to have the children more is highly likely to be an attempt to punish and control the OP because she dared to escape from him. I don’t need to have met him to figure that part out - this is how men like him operate , and they pretty much operate to a script, I have heard the same stories so many times that I could finish the women’s sentences for them; it is as if they are talking about the same man.. but they are not!

OP, it absolutely is abuse, you must be exhausted. Please try women’s aid, or a similar local organisation again. Maybe you just didn’t click with whoever was your caseworker last time

It is a form of financial abuse OP, I was there years ago with my ex who thought it was hilarious that he qualified for legal aid and I had to part fund mine so 'it stopped me blowing his daughters tax credits on going out and being a slag'.

Luckily for me at the 3rd hearing for the same shit, the judge saw what was happening and said if he took anything back to court unless their had been some serious concerns raised by outside agencies he would order that ex pay the full cost of his legal aid certificate.

Obviously this doesn't apply here, but I would definitely get your barrister to raise the issue of repeated court hearings as a form of abuse and manipulation. I'd also call his bluff and try and over rule the 50/50 arrangements and go for 70/30 in your favour based on approaching GCSEs and parental alienation. He's an abusive cunt of a man.

@HmmSureJan

Wind your neck in.

[quote FloconDeNeige]@HmmSureJan

Wind your neck in.[/quote]

No. I don't think I will.

@wifterwafter Because he was setting up his own business and gave most of the shares to his family until we divorced. He convinced courts he was only earning £22k PA. His background is finance.