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Original poster

To think this is financial abuse/control

372 replies

Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 00:22

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

OP posts:
NotSorry · 12/02/2021 08:17

@HmmSureJan

Absolute cunts on this thread, utterly determined to find fault with the OP for reasons I cannot fathom, except that they're just cunts. This is why I would never start a thread on MN these days. Absolute clear cut case of dreadful abuse and revenge driven parental alienation and OP is fearful she will lose her children permanently to her abuser and all many of you can do is shrug and say "his money is nothing to do with you, despite him constantly dragging you to court and maybe they want to live with him anyway . This place is a complete shit hole at times.

I'm sorry OP it sounds utterly desperate Thanks

Completely agree

OP you are staying remarkably calm in the face of such hostility on this thread.

I hope you can pick the wheat from the chaff as there is some good advice on here

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 12/02/2021 08:20

[quote Oldat40]@ItsJackieWeaverBitch Definitely. Both kids been assessed and suffering from significant attachment issues. Youngest possible PTSD (same as me) and eldest showing traits of Aspergers. It breaks my heart.[/quote]
You have all really gone through so much already and he’s still not letting up. He clearly doesn’t feel he’s won yet. And he hasn’t and I don’t think he ever will- you’re clearly made of tough stuff.

Btw have the kids ever had any type of counselling or therapy? My situation was/is a little different to yours but my ex was trying to sever whatever bond my daughter and
I had long before I left him and took the kids. She had counselling with a someone who specialised in children who’ve been abused so not only was the woman very clued up on parental alienation it really helped my daughter sort through things in her head and with an adult who she could trust and we are now very close years later. She still speaks to her dad (doesn’t see him much) but his tactics do not work on her anymore.

Theunamedcat · 12/02/2021 08:20

How old are the children

Do you get dla for them? (No you don't need to tell him about this)

Could you let them go get somewhere smaller and quit your job (because I fucking would if men can do it so can women)

breatheslowandtrust · 12/02/2021 08:21

Oldcat in the family court the judge will rely on professional diagnoses and opinions. They won't give much weight to one parent simply saying "the PTSD/attachment disorders are her fault".

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 08:22

@CC2021 Everything he demands is purchased twice and he will not share between houses. This includes all clothes, PE kits etc. So they have two lots of PE kit, two lots of trainers etc

OP posts:
FloconDeNeige · 12/02/2021 08:23

@HmmSureJan

You can’t possibly know that this is an ‘absolute clear cut case of dreadful abuse’ as we only have the OP’s POV. Now, I fully appreciate that’s all we’ll ever have and there’s a reasonable expectation to take what they say at face value. However, nobody is objective about their own situation, least of all in emotionally-charged ones such as here.

This is why MN and particularly AIBU is so useful as it offers a far more objective view from strangers with no skin in the game. Oftentimes, this demonstrates that the picture is probably less black and white than presented and indeed that there may be faults or inconsistencies with the OP themselves.

I don’t doubt that the ex-husband here is an arsehole, but that doesn’t mean the OP herself is entirely devoid of fault, responsibility or agency.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 12/02/2021 08:24

@HmmSureJan

Absolute cunts on this thread, utterly determined to find fault with the OP for reasons I cannot fathom, except that they're just cunts. This is why I would never start a thread on MN these days. Absolute clear cut case of dreadful abuse and revenge driven parental alienation and OP is fearful she will lose her children permanently to her abuser and all many of you can do is shrug and say "his money is nothing to do with you, despite him constantly dragging you to court and maybe they want to live with him anyway . This place is a complete shit hole at times.

I'm sorry OP it sounds utterly desperate Thanks

I’m with you on that. Fucking hell.
RandomMess · 12/02/2021 08:24

I thought when finances were so different the lower earn still could claim a limited amount via CMS?

I hope your DC are getting good therapeutic support.

Thanks
Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 08:24

@breatheslowandtrust But I can't prove they are his? Of course I know they are but he presents as charming as is believed. He even refers to himself as "Superdad".

OP posts:
Bulldoglady · 12/02/2021 08:25

@Oldat40

I think some of you are missing the point. Yes his money is his own, but is it reasonable of him to take back the settlement awarded in court so we can't buy suitable housing (which is what it wss meant for). As these savings are now going on legal fees.
He didn’t take the settlement back, you spent it on legal representation. You didn’t need to do that. Once the settlement was paid to you it was in your power to do what you say fit with it.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/02/2021 08:25

If he isnt providing them any uniform at his house turn this on him.

When they go to his don't send the uniform you have bought. Let him explain to the school why he hasnt got them any.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 12/02/2021 08:25

Was the child benefit part of the financial settlement?
I'm not sure there is good advice as there is little solid information in the OP. What where the last family court cases? How was financial settlement resolved?

passthepoutine · 12/02/2021 08:25

Please get this moved to relationships. I think you'll get more helpful replies.

converseandjeans · 12/02/2021 08:26

Some really strange responses here. He's taking you to court so you spend all your deposit money on legal fees so can't afford to buy a house. He knows what he's doing.

I don't have any advice but to be honest he sounds awful.

At no point has OP suggested he supports her. She just doesn't want to spend money on legal fees that should be used for a house deposit.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/02/2021 08:26

Also OP I think you need to be realistic unless you are in quite a cheap part of the country you stood little chance at affording a mortgage on an income of £15k, even with a settlement for deposit

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 08:27

@RandomMess They are yes, I'm paying for mediation therapy for all of us.

No. Nothing vis CMS. Another huge reason he wanted 50/50.

OP posts:
ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 12/02/2021 08:28

@Theunamedcat

How old are the children

Do you get dla for them? (No you don't need to tell him about this)

Could you let them go get somewhere smaller and quit your job (because I fucking would if men can do it so can women)

Definitely if the children don’t already receive DLA do consider applying for it.
CC2021 · 12/02/2021 08:28

[quote Oldat40]@CC2021 Everything he demands is purchased twice and he will not share between houses. This includes all clothes, PE kits etc. So they have two lots of PE kit, two lots of trainers etc[/quote]
Okay so he has purchased things for his house? In which case, he's not doing anything wrong and you're clutching at straws here.

OhioOhioOhio · 12/02/2021 08:29

There are so many posters here who don't know your circumstances.

breatheslowandtrust · 12/02/2021 08:29

NoIDont that is terrible advice, you feel the children should be punished to get at the father?
OP the burden of proof isn't on you, if the children as you say have PTSD/attachment issues then they should be under CAHMS or some sort of therapeutic MH service. They will be the ones that the court relies on for expert opinions.

converseandjeans · 12/02/2021 08:31

C2021

I think the uniform is a minor issue. Just to highlight the level of control.

The main issue is being taken to court & the financial and emotional strain it is causing.

Why can't he accept 50/50?

Original poster
Oldat40 · 12/02/2021 08:31

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Hence why I put it into savings. I have a fiancé now so two incomes. And I hope this doesn't come out as wrong, but we both are older so have older parents and will inherit one day. I am also hoping to gain promotion before too long so our financial situation will improve a little. My fiancé has just got a promotion too which has helped.

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 12/02/2021 08:32

I don't think its necessarily true that 50/50 care = no maintenance. And I think you can go to court at any time to review child maintenance costs.
Basically if you are 50/50 I think you can theoretically claim off each other so you probably would end up with some maintenance.
Play him at his own game and threaten court for money. Hopefully he will wind his neck in a bit.

breatheslowandtrust · 12/02/2021 08:32

converseandjeans the OP does want him to support her by providing for more than the 50:50 that he already does. The OP is bringing in that her fiance is financially tied to an ex, which really isn't the exhs problem at all.

dontdisturbmenow · 12/02/2021 08:33

You won't get useful replies because we only hear your side of the story and in such highly emotive matters, the truth is rarely black or white, which is why ultimately, the court ruling is considered the closest to it.

In such circumstances, the children are always the victims because they become just pawns to their parents power games. Their views, opinions, feelings are systematically deemed to be the manipulated outcome of the other parent rather than their own.

The best thing you can do for your children is to let go of the anger, blame and wish for revenge. Whatever damage he might be doing to them, you not adding to it by fighting will be what means the most to your children.