To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

The courts offered 50/50 because they deemed that neither you nor him had good reasons to be able to offer your children better care than the other. The judge saw you on equal par and the fairest arrangement for your children.

A judge is not going to amend an arrangement unless there are significant, evidencial evidence that one parent is causing some harm that mean the children would benefit from spending more time with one parent.

Even if it is the wishes of the children, the judge will ascertain the reason for this. Dad has more money so it's more fun there and there are no rules are not going to be deemed good reasons to amend an arrangement that has been in place for 7 years.

So why are you worried?

@FloconDeNeige

This board is known for very frank and sometimes brutal appraisals of an OP’s situation. The delivery is at times overly harsh, but don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

OP, you don't give enough information to establish any abuse either in the marriage or after. I am not saying he wasn't abusive, but there is nothing in your post that would confirm it. The only reason why I am saying it is the court will think in the same lines. You say your sons have special needs. Are they diagnosed? When you got divorced, did he hide assets from you? Does he really have the children 50/50?
Unless he was hiding his assets during divorce and he doesn't have kids half of the time then I am afraid there is nothing controlling/abusive in his behavior.
You say you couldn't afford to buy 3 bed post divorce, why didn't you buy 2 bedroom? Why you keep working part time? If it is due to special needs of your children you need them to be diagnosed.
Otherwise it sounds like a grabby bitter ex wife, who never bothered to find a full time job who wants more and more money from her ex after years post divorce. I must say the fact you mention your current partner not earning enough looks very bad. How exactly it is relevant? Why do you expect your ex to be responsible for that as well?
I stand corrected if he has indeed hidden his money during divorce, your kids are in need of constant supervision and require your full time presence

@HmmSureJan

Crack on with the immature name-calling then. Go you!! 🤣

This thread is infuriating. My xh is exactly same. They stop at nothing. And to those pps who speak of the children being the real victims. Ffs. You have no idea the hell we were in. You have no idea of how hard it is forcing your screaming child away for the week when they don't want to go and you know exactly why. Op you have to represent yourself in court next time. That's my plan too.

I think I recognise your situation from previous posts, OP - do you have a small baby with your new partner? If you are that poster, your ex is incredibly abusive and spiteful. And he's undoubtedly damaging your boys.

I understand if you don't want to link to previous usernames, but some more of the history might help PPs understand your situation.

You and your partner are doing exactly the right thing for your kids in fighting to retain 50:50, even though it's eating through your savings (and your sanity!). You need to have as much influence on their development for as long as you can.

@Oldat40 he has a screw loose, some people are just born evil. The way he treated you in the relationship was disgusting and controlling and because you have left him he's now draining you of the little money you have purposely by taking you back to court time and time again. Truth is he probably actually doesn't even want the boys full time but he's so consumed with trying to hurt you and control the situation nd ultimately have the last say. He's a narssist in its fullest. Do not obviously drag the boys into it but do they not remeber how dad treated mum at all? Loop at the end of day mum is mum no one can take your place and its you they will always end up running to. They need to decide who they want to live with am sure it will be you. Do not spend any more of your money on court costs, do not play his games. Legally no he isn't abusing you by taking you to court, but we know it's his way of abusing you still. You need to take control of your life do not let him sabotage any more of it. Yes i agree with him ha inf a fair bit more money if the is certain things you can't afford for the boys morally he should by them. Why would you want your kids to miss out, that's just weird as a parent to not help if you can

@Goatscheesewithhoney Correct. He only allowed me to return one day a week as he wouldn't cover childcare for more than that. Anything I earned I had to pay him "towards the mortgage".

@Iwonder08 - He gave her a CURFEW and punished her. What part of that is not abuse?!

OP, please get this moved to relationships. There appear to be some really ignorant people on this thread and there is a frightening amount of victim blaming:

Op left her DH 7 years ago when her children were 6 & 4. She has had 7 years of time with children at school and time when they are at their Dads for training/education. That's a lot of opportunity to improve your earning potential.

OP if he is a controlling abusive cunt the way to free yourself is to take away his ability to do it. Earn your own money. In a few short years your boys will be adults and he will have nothing to hold over you. Focus on making the rest of your life good for yourself. Stop giving him your attention.

I rarely post but I’m shocked at responses on this thread.

OP it sounds shit and I really feel for you.

I have no first-hand experience to offer you but are you keeping everything in writing? Contact by text/email, record everything said considered to be manipulative, abusive or untrue, either to you or DC (or anyone else), noting if there’s anyone who can corroborate this.

If it was me, I’d be looking at ways to tackle the lack of evidence in court and reviewing legal aid as priorities.

[quote FloconDeNeige]@HmmSureJan

Crack on with the immature name-calling then. Go you!! 🤣[/quote]
Well hopefully you'll stop talking absolute shite and opining on matters - abusive relationships - you clearly have very little understanding of and I won't need to.

Wow, there are a lot of posters falling over themselves to justify an abuser.

No, this isn't 'financial abuse' it's plain ar$eholery.

I can't offer any advice - sorry.

@Iwonder08 he stole her purse so she couldn’t buy food and gave her a 10pm curfew. What about that is not abusive?!

Oh OP I recognise your story right away and its clear that you are still struggling with the intial decision to leave him and have a new baby

Yes he was and still is being very abusive to you and your children. All you can do is keep moving forward

@Iwonder08. I work ft. We were in a damp and mouldy privately rented 2 bed for years as that was all I could afford. Now with fiancé we are in a three-bed which is quite important now eldest nearly 14 and needs work space away from younger brother.

Honestly, the propensity for people here to bend over backwards to see the arsehole point of view is astounding to me sometimes

This. The problem is, the majority of people have never been there and don't understand the lengths some people go to to mess up the lives of their exs. Mine is still at it 12 years on - the only thing that keeps us on a more even keel is that he is currently unsuccessful financially so hasnt' been able to use the courts to abuse me but he certainly did in the early years of our separation - in our case it included trying to secure having a baby he openly told the court wasn't his (and who he refused to do a dna test on, despite it being court ordered) live with him as well as our two toddlers when he hadn't had a scrap of interest in their day to day routines and activities.

There is very much an assumption of 'no smoke without fire' on mumsnet. People assume that you must be in the wrong if the children are saying they want to live with their father largely because they can't understand why a parent would coerce and abuse their children into hurting the other parent for them. Unfortunately, there are people out there who hate their ex more than they love their children and believe that marriage vows last forever. The constant beating down on someone really does take it's toll and can be hard to get out of.

And yes, when it involves one parent spending money they really don't have to defend themselves or ensure that the children have the basics in life it really is financial abuse. I have had no maintenance in 12 years and have paid full childcare, including childcare on my ex's time which he was happy to use. However, when I tried to do it so that he paid for his time and I paid for mine, he would simply not bother picking the children up leaving me in a difficult position and ensuring that I was unrealiable from a work perspective - his aim was basically to put me in financial jepoardy. So I paid for full time childcare and the problem went away - or rather, he found other ways to abuse me. I am lucky in that I could afford the extra - something else that pissed him off! You should have seen his reaction when I dared to buy a brand new car!

OP - I am sorry you are going through this and even sorrier that there are so many people who can't see the bigger picture. But that's his aim, I guess. You're the unreasonable one. Hang on in there - your children are getting to an age where they will start to vote with their feet. They may go to him for a while but just remain consistent and constant and they will return.

I hope this thread is a cautionary tale to women. Dont ever rely on a man financially! If anyone stops you working, leave immediately.

@AnnLouiseB And sadly this is why I need help with my biggest regret in life - not staying until he hit me. The ongoing mental torture is far, far worse.

It is a form of financial abuse OP

Can be. But it isnt necessarily.

I returned our family court case to court myself 3 or 4 times. Mostly because ex was a feckless twit who didn't like being told what to do even by a court and I needed to get court orders enforced. Unless I could teach him that you make and agreement you stick to it mine and the kids lives became impossible. That wasn't financial abuse.

Theres no information in the OP. She just wants a rant and a handheld. Mumsnet is good at that. If you ask for it.

If you ask AIBU, you are actually asking mumsnet to look at what you are saying critically. And is doesn't take long to notice the OP has more holes than a sieve.

As a result advice like take it back to court for more time is pointless. Theres no point the kids are old enough for CAFCASS to consider their views. Yes it may seem kinder than you need to move on but its deeply unhelpful.

OP please get this moved to legal or divorce; the contemptuous replied on here are pointless.

You have no idea the hell we were in. You have no idea of how hard it is forcing your screaming child away for the week when they don't want to go and you know exactly why
How do you know what other posters have experienced? I too could claim that my ex was financially abusive by refusing to pay maintenance but playing mind games with the kids so that if I'd gone to the CSA he would have told them that mummy was mean, that I had plenty of money but demanded he game me some and now he had nothing, was losing weight because he couldn't afford food and he couldn't have them because he didn't have any money to look after them.

I went along with all his manipulative games just to protect me kids and allow them to have a close relationship with their dad and I have no regrets because one chose of their own accord to have nothing to do with him and the other two just tolerate him having gage perfect the type of person he is, but at least, as children they had great times with their dad because I took it all on my shoulders.

The best parents are the selfless ones, those who prefer to step away from the fight, adjudicate and let their kids make up their own mind in time.

In OPs case, it sounds that it is the boys choice to spend more time with their dad.

OP - there is something called a vexatious litigant. Someone who repeatedly commences merit less legal actions for the annoyance factor. It is possible to get an order preventing them from claiming, but I’m not sure if that would be possible in cases involving children and claims about their welfare. Worth looking into though.

I see it as a form of financial and emotional abuse. He knows you are having to spend your savings for court. It's controlling and it stops you from getting on with your life.
I've seen this before with a family member. Her ex kept taking her back to court even though he had full access to the children but he wanted more (to get his maintenance payments down). She got into so much debt, she had to start representing herself. It becomes a form of harassment, IMO.
I'm sorry you are going through this.